


Νήνεμος

by SeeCee



Category: Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Heartache, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 18:41:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 55,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5977152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeCee/pseuds/SeeCee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was only one kiss. One alcohol-fueled mistake of a night. But Edmund can't forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. διαφθορά

**Author's Note:**

> This is my attempt to go for a 20k fic. I plan to update at least once a month, let's see how that goes.
> 
> Enjoy!

"I wish I didn't love you so much. No, I don't though; that's not true. I am glad I do. I don't know what to say except that it tore the heart out of my body saying goodbye to you."  
\- Vita Sackville-West in a letter to Virginia Woolf, 28 January 1927

'This is not how it's supposed to be.' Edmund thinks as he sits down on the back porch. The relatives and acquaintances, the family friends are all bustling about in a hushed manner. Clinking spoons on saucers and talking among another in low whispers. Peter and Susan are completely composed and their smiles sad but grateful as they accept condolences after condolences. Lucy's sniffing is attended to by several aunts. The sky is a brilliant blue, their parents are dead and this is not how it's supposed to be.  
Edmund isn't crying but he rests his head on his knees and tries to be as small as an 18-year old can be. Then there are footsteps. Someone sits down beside him and tentative fingertips land on his shoulder. When he doesn't flinch away, Peter begins to stroke his back.  
And then Edmund does something he normally wouldn't allow himself. He scoots closer to Peter and buries his face in his brother's neck. Peter's arms instantly close around him.  
"I'm sorry." Edmund murmurs. "But just for a little while."  
Peter doesn't say anything and just holds him tighter. For the first time today Edmund lets out a deep breath. His hands claw into Peter's solid back and combined with the warmth where their skin touches, Edmund feels safe again.  
In the next moment there is another body joining their embrace. Peter lifts his arm to gather Lucy close, as well. Then Edmund feels Susan huddling close at his back. He seizes her hand and before long the siblings all cry together, mourning their insurmountable loss. Edmund hides his face deeper in Peter's shoulder, where his scent and the total darkness console him. He can not bear these joyous, gleeful sun rays.

That night they talk about Narnia again. Something they haven't done in a long time.  
Susan drains the water out of the sink, while Edmund clears away the last dishes. She dries her hands on a towel, the subsiding blurbs from the sink the only noise, and keeps a watchful eye on Lucy. She has been crying on and off for the past days, even now she is quietly snivelling, seated on Peter's lap. He holds her, his cheek planted on top of her head and whispers gently. Susan and Edmund exchange a glance as he hangs up his soggy dish towel. But there is nothing to say. Edmund averts his eyes again. Then Susan grabs a few cups and Edmund the kettle.  
"Have some tea, okay, Lu?" Susan asks, sitting down at the kitchen table. Lucy sniffs, her face flushed and puffy, but nods. Susan smiles maternally and Peter keeps rubbing her back.  
"Shouldn't you be heading home soon, Susan? Thank you." Peter asks, accepting his own cup.  
"No, I told Andrew I'd stay here tonight. I don't really want to leave, yet... " She answers, gazing into her tea.  
"You know... " Lucy sniffles. "When I was first called to the headmaster, I thought I'd die. Because I knew. I just knew something terrible had happened. But even now that I'm so heartbroken and devastated and can't stop crying, I can't help but feel comforted 'cause I know just as well that we'll be together again."  
"What do you mean?" Susan asks what Edmund doesn't have to. He knows what Lucy is getting at, had thought about it, too.  
"Narnia." She answers simply. Peter throws Edmund a swift glance, one that Edmund breaks just as fast.  
"They're with Aslan now. And I just thought, you know, that that was maybe the reason why we were allowed to go there all these years ago. Maybe Aslan knew that this would happen."  
"And he didn't want us to lose faith." Peter finishes.  
"Yes." Lucy agrees. "And so maybe the reason why we were never called back was also because Aslan knew I wouldn't be able to take it. To lose Narnia over and over again and after that even lose my parents. I wouldn't have been strong enough."  
“None of us would have, I guess... “ Peter agrees thoughtfully.  
“I miss them so.” Lucy sniffs and her eyes are all wet again. “Mr. Tumnus and the beavers, King Lune and all his family. I miss everyone we knew. But not just that I even miss my dresses and my dagger. Sometimes, I miss Narnia so bad I even wish I could go to council meetings again.” She closes sheepishly.  
Both Edmund and Peter chuckle at that.  
“I know how you feel.” Edmund says. “It's so painful because it's never gonna happen again. We always thought we'd go back someday but seems like this is it.”  
“I don't think we should lose hope. One day we may yet be called.” Peter says and smiles at Edmund. “It's not over until we give up and forget.”

The next day Peter moves back in.  
"I know we already talked about it." Says Susan, handing Edmund a box. "But are you guys really sure I shouldn't come back, too?"  
"Nonsense, Susan." Edmund says, heaving the box higher up on his hip. "You'll be married next month. You have other things to worry about than us."  
"And you know Peter." Lucy chimes in, taking Edmund's position. "He'll make sure we eat three times a day and change our underwear."  
"Yeah, at least twice a month!" Edmund jokes before entering the house and leaving the still debating Susan behind.  
"But- "

"I never thought I would move back into my old children's room." Peter says as he takes the box from Edmund.  
"You could stay in our parents' room?" Edmund suggests, sitting down on the bed.  
"Nah, that would be even weirder."  
"Yeah... " Edmund agrees, feeling the sharp pain that nowadays always accompanied the mention of his parents.  
Peter picks up a photograph then, strokes over the faces it depicts. He looks sad, wistful. Edmund gets up.  
"It's gonna be okay, Pete." And his hand settles on his brother's underarm. "We still got us."  
He doesn't mean for that implication but by the way Peter suddenly looks at him, he must think of it, too.  
"God, Peter, what's in these things?" Lucy comes in, wobbling under a stack of parcels. Immediately Peter passes by Edmund and takes them off of Lucy. Edmund turns away, briefly touching his cheek with the back of his hand.  
"Believe me, I was just as surprised to have accumulated so much stuff over the short span of four years."  
"Well, but do you actually need all this?" Lucy asks inspecting books titled such as The Amazons. Lives and Legends of Warrior Women across the Ancient World or The Human Death. A philosophical revision before letting Peter put them up in his slowly cramped shelf.  
"Just you wait until you go off to university and then you'll see."  
"Meh, I'll just let Edmund tell me about it when he starts in a couple months." She says, still sifting through books.  
"By the way, Ed." Peter asks. "Any letters arrived, yet?"  
"Nope." He says, trying for casual.  
"Well, should be any day now."

The rest of the day dwindles by leisurely. They have to argue the topic with Susan three more times, once even because she picked up the phone and started to discuss it with the Rabbs, who only called to confirm Edmund's application for a part time job and wanted to tell him the schedule for the upcoming week. They were a childless older couple and had been friends with their father, consecutively they had always rather doted on the siblings and were ever so happy to let one of them help out in their stationary shop to earn themselves pocket money during the holidays. It takes Edmund almost five minutes before he realizes what Susan is so animatedly discussing over the phone and with whom, then he practically rips the receiver out of her hands and glares her into retreat.  
Even after dinner she won't stop fussing about everyone and everything. There seems no way to convince her that they'll be all right with doing the dishes and getting into bed all by themselves. And they know that it's necessary to nip that incessant mothering of her in the bud right away, otherwise she'll truly know no stopping. 

Edmund closes the bedroom door behind him, fingers on the handle, eyes regarding Peter, who was still reorganizing the books in his shelf. Both of them in their sleepwear. It really does feel like they are kids again and not the young adults they had so painfully become.  
"You wanna turn in now?" Peter asks, turning around and watching Edmund get into bed.  
"Yeah." He yawns, settling in. "I'm pretty beat."  
"All right, I'll just... " Peter says, forcing one more book into the shelf. "And done, we can turn off the lights!" He says unusually cheerful and ventures over to his own cot.  
"You don't have to stop because of me." Edmund says, turning to his side, supporting his head on his hand to better watch Peter. "I'm fine sleeping with the lights on."  
"Nah, I'm pretty tired, myself." Edmund doesn't protest further then and watches Peter climb between the covers before remembering the light and stretching his arm to turn it off. Edmund yawns again and their mutual shuffling soon quiets down.  
"Hey, Ed, before I forget... "  
"What?"  
"You don't snore, do you?"  
"What?!" He asks incredulous.  
"Well, you've always came more after Mom's side and if you're anything like Uncle Harold... "  
"Ha!" Edmund splutters. "And if you're anything like Dad, I'll never have a good night’s sleep again!" He backfires.  
"And yet, Mum managed to endure him for almost 25 years."  
"Yeah, but she knew how to make him shut up, as well!" And with that Edmund throws his pillow across the room. Judging by the muffled groan he even hit his target.  
Edmund roars with laughter while Peter collects himself.  
"Thanks, I've gotten used to sleeping with two pillows, anyway."  
"Hey." Edmund still laughs. "Come on, give it back."  
"Nah, I think this is an appropriate punishment." Peter says pettily.  
"For what?"  
"Not respecting your elders."  
Both of them erupt in laughter at that.  
"I'm serious." Edmund finally says, regaining his composure. "Please throw it back."  
"If you want it... " Peter says mischievously. "Then come and get it."  
And Edmund would have. Truly, he would have. At the sound of the challenge in Peter's voice, his eyes narrow and one hand already fists into his blanket, ready to pull it aside, his feet about to kick out but then his brain catches up and his fear of getting too close again, sets in.  
"Pete." He whines playfully instead, like Lucy might do. "I'm already all snug and warm, don't make me get up."  
"You old pansy." Peter laughs at him but at least throws the pillow back. "Now go to sleep."

 

"A letter came for you." Susan says with a meaningful look and grabs into the grocery bags Edmund had just heaved onto the kitchen counter.  
"Oh." Edmund simply responds, looking at the table where among other post there sure enough lay a thick envelope. "You need any help?" He asks, getting out of his jacket.  
"No, I'm fine here, thanks." She answers, already busy rummaging in a cupboard.  
"Su, I know you wanna take care of us but you really don't need to do all this."  
Her hands still.  
"Not that I'm not grateful! Just... I know you and Andrew have your own household to take care of, as well. I don't want you to burden yourself with ours on top. And I'm out of school now, so... "  
Susan turns around then, her hands leaning on the counter behind her.  
"I know you guys don't really need me... but I think it's me that needs you right now... "  
"Sorry, Susan, I didn't mean- "  
"No, it's okay." She sighs. "I really felt like a grown-up, being engaged and living on my own... but now... now that we're suddenly all alone I don't feel so grown-up at all, anymore."  
There is a tear forming in her eye. Edmund walks over and softly embraces her.  
"I'm sorry, you are right." He says.  
She only shakes her head and wipes away the tear. She smiles, softly touches his cheek and then turns around to the groceries again.  
To Edmund Susan had always seemed like an adult, she had rarely ever let her guard down. Responsible, yet gentle Susan. But she was only a daughter, who had lost her parents, too, after all. And Christ when had Edmund become so much taller than her?  
"All right." She says then, grabbing up a knife. "Lucy will be home soon, I better finish this up."  
"I'll go and wash myself up real quick." Edmund says, making for the stairs. He had barely slipped the envelope from the table and was out of the kitchen when Susan speaks up again.  
"Ah and by the way." She calls. "About the other night... after the wake, when we all sat around the kitchen table." Susan begins vaguely without looking up from where she was stirring and turning the heat from the stove down.  
"What about it?" Edmund asks blandly.  
"I don't think we should indulge Lucy in her fantasies so much anymore."  
"You mean Narnia?"  
"Yes. God! I can't believe she still remembers that old story, it was only one summer for heaven's sake. Make-Beliefs like that are fine when you're a child but she's seventeen."  
Edmund does not respond, frankly he is a bit shocked.  
"And maybe you could tell Peter, too? I'm afraid he'll be quite a bit more unreasonable about this than you are and you always had a way with him."  
"Sure... " Edmund replies finally. "I'll talk to him."  
"Thank you." Susan says, putting out the plates. "Dinner's about ready, as well, so hurry up."

As soon as Edmund is safely inside his room with the door closed, he takes a deep breath. The envelope heavy in his hands, the Harvard symbol looming meaningful and almost sinister in the upper right corner. He breathes deeply a few more times , trying to gather his thoughts, except his mind is a complete blank.  
"Screw it." He mumbles and with shaking hands pries the letter open. Once he has access, he reaches inside and slowly pulls the bundle of pages out. He plops on his bed and begins to read.

Dear Mr. Pevensie,

we are pleased to offer you a place at-

"Edmund!" Lucy bundles upstairs. Jolted, Edmund crams the papers under his pillow and stands up stiffly just as Lucy opens the door.  
"Susan wants- Are you okay?" She asks, one eyebrow raised.  
"Yeah, why? What does Su want?"  
"Oh, uh... nothing she just wanted me to come and get you for dinner."  
"I was already on my way."  
"Uh-huh." Lucy says.  
"I'm home!" They hear Peter call.  
"Ah, come on then Ed." Lucy calls back already halfway out of the room again. Before Edmund follows he glances back just once more.

Harvard. He got into Harvard Law School! Edmund is absolutely flabbergasted, completely shocked, deliriously happy. There are so many emotions fighting to be in the forefront, every second he feels something else. Happiness, because what are the odds? Triumph, he was good enough to be accepted. Curiosity. What would it be like studying there? What classes would he attend? Where live? What kind of people would he meet? Worry. How could he possibly make all this happen? Find a place to live? Pay the tuition, the moving costs, his living expenses? Dismissal. It's a nice fantasy but he could never actually do it. He'd be miles and miles from home, from the only family he has. There's no way. And then... then there was this feeling of loss and mend and hope.  
The most prominent feeling because he doesn't want to leave Peter but he desperately, desperately needs to.  
In the end... how long could this possibly go on? They have never talked about it but still it was there, unacknowledged, yet always between them.

Over a week passes then and he doesn't tell anyone about the letter.  
Edmund comes home from his part time job earlier, business was slow and since there wasn't much do to anyway they send him home. Susan sits in the kitchen, sips a coffee and reads the newspaper. “Hey.” He greets and notices the state of the house. “Did you clean already? I meant to do that later. Is there anything you want me to do? Groceries?”  
"You could sit down for a moment."  
Warily, he does.  
"I believe I've waited an appropriate amount of time and since you didn't voluntarily submit any information, I shall now ask you right out."  
"Okay... ?"  
"They accepted you at Harvard, didn't they?" She asks, not taking her eyes from the paper and bringing the cup to her lips again.  
"How- "  
"I saw the insignia on the envelope. And when they send you a big one it means you're in, or am I mistaken?"  
"No." Edmund sighs and gives in. "You're right."  
"Well, there you go." She says, now folding the paper together again. "You'll leave then?"  
"No!" Edmund immediately pushes out. "I mean... there's no way... No, I won't."  
"What are you talking about, of course you will." She says with a stern expression.  
"How could I possibly leave now?"  
"You just do it." Susan says matter of factly. Edmund snorts. "Do you really think any of us would begrudge you that? Or that we would want you to stay purely out of a misguided feeling of responsibility? Of course we will miss you but if that is the path you want to go, we will do everything to make sure you can."  
"I appreciate you saying that, Susan, I really do, but that's hardly the only problem."  
"What else could there be?"  
"I don't know maybe the money? I need to pay tuition and food and... a thousand other things."  
"Hmm." She purses her lips and takes another sip. "That has to be considered but it's definitely not an obstacle."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yes, I'm pretty sure we'll be able to finance everything you'll need from what Mum and Dad left us. In fact, I know that Dad saved up especially for that in the last year, since he knew that there would be a possibility that you could go. And Peter, Andrew, and I wouldn't mind paying for you, as well."  
"No, absolutely not."  
"You'd probably still have to find yourself a part time job but other than that I'm confident it will all work out."  
"Susan, are you listening? I don't want you guys to pay for me."  
"Fine, you can pay us back."  
"Susan!"  
"You're going to Harvard!" She grins solemnly.  
"I haven't even heard anything from the other universities, yet. What if I can get into one that's closer by?"  
"Edmund, we have all watched you sneak around with that Harvard application for weeks, writing and rewriting that essay over and over again. For heaven's sake you've even given that letter about thirty good luck kisses, yes I saw you do that, before you dropped it into the post box. You're going to Harvard!"  
She says it with a finality not to be argued with, gets up from the table and places her cup in the sink.  
"Now, help me chop up some apples, I'll make your favourite pie." She says with a warm smile.  
Edmund has nothing left to say except "Thanks, Su."  
Although, the truth is he still doesn't feel entirely convinced. Now that there are seemingly no hurdles left behind which he could hide, a giant stone begins to settle in his intestines.

Three more weeks go by and Susan's wedding is due. 

"I can't believe I've let it get this far. Susan is only 22. What does she want to marry this guy for?"  
"Oh please, you're almost as much in love with Andrew as Susan is." Edmund counters, inspecting his fingernails. Susan is fifteen minutes late, Peter is endlessly pacing through the foyer and Edmund is lounging away on some chair, doing his damnedest not to look at Peter.  
"You can talk to him about cars and football and house remodelling, you can drink beer together, while eating peanuts and picking your teeth."  
Peter gives him an exasperated look.  
"Seriously, you should have married him." Edmund raises his eyebrows in mock sincerity. "I mean could still happen if Susan's not gonna come out there soon... " He says and then looks to the solidly closed door.  
"As if. Should I ever marry it's certainly not him."  
Then Edmund makes a mistake. He turns his head and meets Peter's gaze directly.  
"Everyone ready?" Lucy bursts through the door, followed by the two other bridesmaids and Susan, a dream in white. They are all taking obvious pains not to let her dress slide on the floor and yet not to rumple it either.  
Edmund gets out of the chair and Peter steps next to him.  
"Susan, you... " He starts.  
"What? Did my veil slip to the side again?" She asks breathless, touching her hair.  
"No, you're just... unbelievably beautiful."  
She huffs relieved and smiles then.  
"Thank you."  
"Okay, let's get this show started." Edmund chimes in, holding his elbow out to Susan. "Shall we?"  
"Let's." Peter agrees and positions himself on Susan's other side.  
"Wait, wait, wait!" Lucy butts in. "I'm the maid of honour and the flower girl, I'll go first!"  
Then the music starts and Katy comes back in "Everyone's in their seats and ready!" and stands next to Judy and behind Susan.  
"Dad is probably crying right now and Mum has to give him tissues. I can just see them screaming in joy." Edmund whispers. Susan gives him a grateful but nervous little smile and squeezes his arm. Then the procession begins and off they go.

Andrew has literal tears in his eyes. Edmund catches Peter's glance behind Susan's head and they both smirk about it. When they reach the priest they both give her a kiss on the cheek. Lucy looks lovely the way she grins at them with her flushed cheeks and the flowers in her hair. Peter and Edmund reach their seats and when Edmund sits down Peter grabs his hand.  
Edmund's heart stops and he just catches himself from whipping his head around. However, he does sneak a glance at Peter from the corner of his eye and realizes that he's solely focused on Susan. Edmund breathes again. Peter feels like he's losing her right now.  
He smiles secretly but then Edmund remembers their talk a few weeks back and the fact that Edmund still couldn't bring himself to mention this to either Lucy or Peter. And he realizes that maybe... maybe they really are losing Susan. So he holds onto that hand until the priest is finished and Andrew and Susan kiss. The whole church gets up then, clapping and cheering wildly.

The reception is close by, Andrew and Susan take the traditional carriage drawn by two white horses, but the rest walks. Peter, as the figurative new head of the family, stays with the newly-weds to accept congratulations and gifts. Lucy meanwhile snags Edmund away to finish the last touches on the honeymoon suite. Yes, rose petals and all. Edmund can't even make a sarcastic comment in the face of this ridiculous cliché. It takes longer than expected. The whole party is already going by the time they finally get there.  
Peter is just holding a toast on how he was first introduced to Andrew and hated him on principle and now he can't think of a better or more worthy man for his darling sister. Edmund is really, really proud and kind of touched and God, he hasn't thought of Peter as High-King in years. But it is unmistakeable right now. And it makes him glad and fills him with elation because this is a part of Peter that will never disappear and that, more than anything, is comforting.

Then they eat and make merry until finally it's time for the opening dance and Peter snatches Lucy, dammit! Leaving Edmund with Aunt Alberta. After that it doesn't take long until all four siblings are separated and passed around by relatives and all other attendees, answering the ever repeating questions and laughing over the same sub par attempts at jokes. But they had been royalty once and it's simply part of the job.

At some point Edmund finally manages to slip away and takes the opportunity to flee outside for a small respite. Simply standing outside the main doors doesn't feel safe enough, though and he makes for the back of the building. The sun is already setting, its last rays warming the earth. The wind is a refreshing breeze and the air is humid with insects and the occasional bird. He leans his head back against the bricks and breathes in deeply. God, he wishes he'd thought to bring a drink, he's awfully - Suddenly Peter rounds the corner - thirsty.  
"There you are." He says and looks disarmingly handsome in the wane sunlight. His hair is mussed just so and the suit, bought from his first pay check, sits incredibly sharp on him, only the tie, loosened around the collar softens his appearance to resemble the simple comfort of summer evenings spend by the Narnian sea.  
'This is bad.' Edmund thinks and says "Here I am." instead.

Peter comes closer until he halts directly next to him. Their arms almost touching.  
“So, Eustace is a little... interesting.”  
“If with 'interesting' you mean 'fucking weird and also kinda creepy' then yup, he sure is.”  
Peter huffs amused and doesn't even reprove him for the swearing.  
“You know, I keep imagining what it would be like if we had celebrated a wedding like this in Narnia. The music and the food, the enormous decorations for the great hall. The two of us would now stand on the balcony, overlooking the glistening sea and the sandy beach all tinged in orange and yellow.” What they're looking at instead is a small grassy field, a bunch of trees and the backyards of the neighbouring houses.  
“Not that this isn't a great party.” Peter adds.  
“Just not the same.” Edmund says quietly. He almost tells Peter then what Susan had mentioned to him all these weeks ago and then he thinks about confessing something else entirely. Suddenly loud cheering erupts from inside, followed by waltz music setting in.  
"Care to dance?" Peter asks nonchalantly, not even looking at Edmund.  
"Are you joking?” He asks and his voice sounds a lot more serious than he wished it would.  
"Not really."  
"Well, thanks for the offer but my feet are still swollen from where Aunt Alberta stomped on them, so... I guess I'll pass." He playfully bumps his fist against Peter's shoulder. Edmund can't believe he's turning him down.  
When he dares a look at Peter he's pinned to the spot by an impetuous gaze.  
"Peter!" Lucy calls, not far off. "Pete! Susan's about to cut the cake!"  
"Can't miss that." Edmund jokes and swallows thickly.  
"Yeah." Peter agrees, knocks his knuckles once against the bricks and walks past Edmund then.  
"Ah, there you are, I've been looking all over!" He hears Lucy a moment later. "Good to know that one only needs to say the word 'cake' and you'll- "  
Then they're gone and Edmund takes a moment longer to regard the darkening horizon.  
"What the hell was that?" He says to no one and leaves then, too. He really, really craves that drink right now.

Lucy squeals in delight, Edmund almost chokes on his own laughter and Peter is wide-eyed when Susan, composed and serious Susan, smashes an entire plate of cake in Andrew's face.  
They soon realize she's also already fairly drunk. Most of the guests settled into their seats again and the newly-weds come laughing and staggering to the family table. Where they then break apart to approach their respective family members. Andrew embraces both of his parents and they all laugh. Susan hugs Lucy, who is still delighted but also struggling for breath.  
"I'm so glad I got you for my sister! You know how happy I am about that?" Susan slurs. Lucy laughs awkwardly and pats her wrist. "So happy!" She answers herself.  
"You sure?" Edmund jokes sarcastically.  
"And you!" Susan veers over to him. "I'm sooo proud of you!" Edmund only half-heartedly tries to fight her off. "You're going to Harvard! Can you believe that Peter?" Edmund's whole colour drains out of his face. "Our little brother? So proud, Mum and Dad would be, too."  
Edmund doesn't dare to look at either Peter or Lucy but their laughter stopped so he doesn't need to anyway. Susan reaches Peter now and bestows him with the same sentiments. How grateful she is for their stead-fast older brother, who never needs to be asked for help, who always gives willingly and plenty.  
"The best siblings in the world!" Susan concludes triumphantly, finds Andrew again and finally sits down.  
Then Edmund looks at Peter, who's already looking at him. 

Before Edmund has any chance to identify the emotion he sees or either of them can open their mouths, Andrew's father is clinking his glass and stands up to hold a speech. Edmund refills his champagne glass.  
After that Lucy makes her own speech, she blushes all over and her hand shivers but it's a beautiful speech nonetheless. Everyone is clapping and Susan wipes away a tear. Then the music picks up again and people get up to dance or chat or drink.  
Lucy turns to Edmund and she wants to say something but then her gaze goes past Edmund and catches Peter's. She smiles nondescriptly at Edmund and then there are already her two girlfriends tapping on her shoulder and they go dancing instead.  
Then Peter pulls at his ear and Edmund turns around making a face as if he's annoyed. Peter opens his mouth but Susan claps him on the shoulder.  
"As I am the bride and you therefore cannot refuse me anything, I order you to dance with me!" She shouts in his ear.  
He smiles defeated but lets himself be led away. Although, not without pulling at Edmund's ear a second time. He cups a hand over it and plays hurt. Edmund is relieved. By doing that Peter tells him he's not happy right now but at least he's not angry and they'll talk about it later. Much later, though, because now there's dancing and drinking.

"Harvard?" Peter asks and Edmund flinches. He hadn't even heard him come in.  
"Yes." He answers. Says it in the same voice, answering everything else Peter didn't ask. He throws him a sideways glance. Peter is down to his wife beater, only the black pants remain from his earlier appearance. Edmund uncurls his pyjama shirt, shrugs it over his shoulders and begins to fasten it up, button for button.  
He thinks about Susan and Andrew in their wedding suite, probably passed out but safe in each other's arms, about Lucy and Sarah having a sleepover at Diane's, the three of them giggling and laughing. About how for the first time since that night, he and Peter are all alone again with each other.  
Then there are hands on his, preventing him from closing that last button. Peter's breath brushes the skin of his neck. He smells the alcohol all right.  
"Edmund." Peter says and the space between their bodies disappears. His hands sling Edmund's arms around his body, his mouth nuzzles his neck.  
'This is a mistake.' Edmund thinks. 'He's just horny.' and lets his neck fall to the side, luring Peter even closer.

And then it's like no time has passed at all. Because he remembers these hands on his body, how the cloth feels when it's striven over his shoulders. And when he turns around and touches the muscles on Peter's stomach with his fingertips it's familiar, just like the ripple going through them as his body stretches to pull the shirt off over his head. He recognizes that vein leading to his pants, to his loins. He remembers it all.  
Peter's hands ghost over his arms, his chest, and neck as Edmund slowly but purposefully unbuckles his belt to slide his hand inside the briefs, feels the warm flesh. Peter steps closer still and pulls the pyjama pants over Edmund's ass. Both their cocks are freed then and Edmund's hand barely fits around them.  
Peter lets him work, his own hand stroking Edmund's hair, his cheek. There are a few broken off moans escaping him and Edmund wants to look up. But he does not. Can not.  
"Edmund." Peter says again as if it means something. As if it could mean anything. Edmund lets go of their dicks then, lays his hands over Peter's and guides them away from his body. He steps back, out of the pants puddled at his feet and slides backwards onto the bed. He still holds one of Peter's hands and pulls him along. That's when their eyes lock for the first time. It doesn't break the spell.  
It only confirms what Edmund had already known. That this was always going to happen.  
Edmund's head sinks into the pillow and Peter is over him, still not breaking the eye contact. He places one hand on Edmund's cheek again. Edmund clenches his eyes shut, sure that they're going to kiss now. Peter leans down.  
"I want you so much." He whispers in his ear and grinds their dicks together, losing a moan in Edmund's neck.  
His heart aches. 'But then... why would there be kisses.' He reasons. 'When we're only taking care of our sexual desires.'  
Then he stops thinking, hoping that will make it easier. Peter pants more heavily now, occupied with stroking both their cocks.  
When Edmund spreads his thighs, opens the drawer of his bedside table, Peter understands it as the invitation it is. He finds the lube quickly and sits back on his heels. Edmund turns his face deeper into the pillow, embarrassed despite himself. He only spares one quick glance for Peter's cock, hard and leaking precome, revels in its colour, the stark vein along its underside and he hates how much he wants it. How much he longed for it in the past eight years. And he hates how easily his body opens up to Peter's fingers, hates the sure way Peter strokes him and how it makes his toes curl and his voice thick with desire. Then finally Peter replaces his fingers with his dick and fucks him, deep and strong and fuckfuckfuck, so good, but Edmund hates that too. The harsh stretch of muscles that makes him cry out, Peter's hand over his mouth muffling it, and yet, at the same time nudging him with his nose and encouraging him.  
Edmund hates that lying pliant beneath Peter like this- the heat, the pain, the pleasure rising and rising- reminds him that he never feels as good, as whole, as when they're like this. But what he hates most of all is, how after all this time, he's still as hopelessly in love as ever.  
'Damn you, Peter.' He thinks and wills away the tears.

A month later he hugs his sisters goodbye. He and Peter shake hands. Then he boards his flight, a one-way ticket to Boston. He holds out until the only thing visible through the window is the sky blue of the Atlantic ocean. He doesn't try to stop the tears from falling then. He didn't want to leave, not his home, or his sisters, not even Peter. But he doesn't want to be the only one having these feelings anymore and that's really all there is to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Νήνεμος / Nenemos  
> (adj.) without wind; calm, hushed  
> of a person: breathless
> 
> διαφθορά / diaphtora  
> (n., fem.) destruction, ruin  
> Morally, of a corruption or seduction


	2. σκία

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I don't know what happened. It wasn't supposed to be this long.
> 
> Also I just wanted to say that this story is canon divergent in the sense that the Pevensies have only been to Narnia once, basically only the events of LWW are canon. None of the things in The Horse and His Boy happened either, because I really wanted Cor and Aravis to be in this timeline.
> 
> Please enjoy!

"I went into the desert to forget about you. But the sand was the color of your hair. The desert sky was the color of your eyes. There was nowhere I could go that wouldn't be you."  
\- Jeffrey Eugenides

 

"I'm telling you, I passed all my classes, I'm on track with any assignments and the internship at Lewis & Partners starts next week. How about you'd fuss half as much about your own studies as you do about mine?" Edmund complains.  
Susan makes a dismissive noise over the phone. "I'm not like you and Peter, I can't pour over books for hours on end, I'd rather get hands on."  
"And I'm sure feminists all over the world will one day be thankful for it. But you've been doing courses in political science for five years now, don't you want to finish that up some time?"  
"Sure. As soon as I'll have equal employment and salary opportunities afterwards."  
Edmund sighs good-naturedly. It's not like he's not interested or supportive but he also wouldn't mind talking about other things sometimes during their fortnightly phone calls.  
"Is Lucy there?" He asks then.  
"Hey, Ed." She answers a moment later.  
"Hey Lu, how's nursing school?"  
"Oh you know, as usual. The ward sister is strict, my colleagues are all great fun and the patients lovely. Mr. Shepherd's been terrorizing the ladies again. He got up too early after his narcotization and walked through the corridor with nothing but his open gown.” She recounts merrily. “Also they finally taught us how to correctly apply bandages and we practised all afternoon on each other. That was fun."  
"Great, that's good to hear. How's the rest?"  
"Andrew- " There is a muffled exchange in the background. "Andrew finally quit his old, shitty job. He and Susan also decided to move back in with us."  
"Seriously?"  
"Yeah, thank God. The house has really become too big for just Peter and me. And with him all day in college and me having night shifts, it sometimes feels like we don't see each other at all anymore."  
"Yeah, I can imagine... " Edmund says thoughtfully. "And is Peter finished soon?"  
"Didn't he write you about that?"  
"Uh... no."  
"Honestly, sometimes he's self-deprecating to the ridiculous." She sighs melodramatically. "He probably didn't say anything because he didn't want you to feel pressured to come home."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, Pete's gonna finish his Ph.D. in about... two months? He told us that he doesn't need a big celebration because of it, he'd be fine just going to dinner 'or whatever.'" She mimics him.  
"Okay... "  
"Just so you know, Susan and I don't have a problem pressuring you. We expect you for at least a week."  
"Listen guys, " He immediately begins, feeling caught off guard "I don't know if I-"  
"Edmund!" Suddenly Susan's voice comes through again. "None of us has seen you in two years! Promise me you'll come."  
"Yes, you have to!" Lucy calls from the background. "We won't even tell Peter, it'll be a surprise! He's gonna freak out because he really missed you too, you know?"  
"And if the flight is too expensive, I'll loan you the money. You can even pay me back interest if you want." Susan adds.  
Edmund laughs a bit defeated. "Fine."  
"Fine?" They repeat in unison.  
"Fine, I promise I'll come to Peter's graduation. But I'll pay the flight myself."  
"Great!" Susan shouts into the receiver. He hears Lucy squeal in the background. Susan quiets her down then in order to resume their conversation.  
"So, now that that's concluded. How about a girlfriend? You're gonna bring one or... ?"  
"Geez, Susan, there's like a mile long queue here. I really gotta hang up now."  
"Edmund?"  
"Yeah, sorry, You know what it's like with only one telephone in the whole house. Talk to you guys in two weeks! Greetings to everyone!"  
"Edmund! Don't always be such a herm- "  
"Take care, bye bye." Then he hangs up, huffs once and walks through the empty corridor up to his room. He needs to change before leaving for work.

"Oh before I forget, I was meant to ask you- " Cor begins, picking change out of the register and handing it with his trademark style to a customer. "Do you wanna come watch the game with us on Saturday?"  
"What game?" Edmund asks, fastening the filter for a cappuccino order.  
"Seriously? Have you ever noticed that there's actually a real world outside your law books full of boring paragraphs?"  
"Sometimes."  
Cor sighs unimpressed. "Harvard against Yale! Only the most important football match ever for our college team."  
"Ah right... I think I remember hearing about that." Edmund touches his chin. "No, I'm not going." He says obnoxiously.  
"Oh come on, don't be such a herm- " Then the door rings, signalling a new costumer. "Ah, Ari!" Cor calls out to her. "I've tried my best but Edmund refuses to spend any time with us." He laments theatrically.  
"We've got free tickets!" Aravis says before even greeting them.  
"Well then... " Edmund starts. "I'm sure you won't have a problem finding someone else to drag along."  
"But it's Harvard against Yale!" She exclaims excitedly.  
"Yeah, I heard!" He mocks her tone. "Still not going. I'm an Englishman, we don't care for your silly, little American ballgames."  
Both of them glare at him for that.  
"See, I told you he'd say no." Cor says, leaning over conspiratorially to Aravis.  
"What if I told you, you can bring someone?" She tries.  
"You guys are literally the only ones I know who'd care to go, but since you already are... very tempting and all but nah."  
"Or, you could ask him." And with a raise of her eyebrow and a flick of her head, indicates a guy, whom Edmund had noticed before.  
"Who?" He asks regardless.  
"That sexy brunette in his fancy suit, who's been ogling you for weeks now."  
"Are you insane?" "You think he's sexy?" Edmund and Cor ask simultaneously.  
"Don't tell me you haven't noticed. He's only ever here when you are." She says in a no nonsense voice, foregoing to react to Cor at all.  
"Or maybe you just assume that when in reality most of my shifts start or end around noon. You know, that time when suit-wearing people go for lunch. He's probably just working somewhere around here. Seriously, Ari, you need to stop devouring these weirdo romance novels, you interpret way too much into stuff that's not there."  
"So, you're telling me that a guy like that spends most of his lunch breaks all by himself, orders ridiculous creations, which mean that he has to stand at the counter for up to ten minutes sometimes and oh so happens to be reading the exact same book you had with you last week?"  
"I think she's got a point." Cor chimes in, observing the guy with a critical eye.  
"No, she doesn't. Maybe he likes sitting by himself and that book is new and very well received, hundreds of people read it right now."  
"Edmund!" Suddenly her voice picks up in annoyance. "Don't be such a goddamn hermit all the time!"  
"That's literally the third time I've heard this today." He mutters to himself.  
"Maybe, you should take it to heart then, buddy." Cor says and unknots his apron. Aravis slumps down on a barstool and fiddles with the straw display.  
"You know it's the fifties now, nobody cares." She says barely audible.  
'Actually a lot of people do.' Edmund thinks and asks "Care about what?"  
She only gives him an exasperated look. "About being queer."  
"And yet it sure is an effective conversation stopper." Edmund says and resumes drying cups.  
"I'm serious, Edmund." She tries again.  
"Why would you even think that I'm... you know."  
"Why, aren't you?" She counters blasé. Edmund doesn't answer. "Well, there you go. It's no reason to shut yourself off from the world like this. And this is college dammit, if you can't find anyone here, you'll find no one."  
"Oh, very encouraging, thank you."  
"All right, I'm good to go." Cor says, coming out of the staff only section.  
"Go and ask that guy out, Edmund. What do you have to lose?" She slides off the chair.  
"Except for my dignity, you mean?" He retorts sarcastically.  
"Are you still talking about that?" Cor wonders and helps Aravis into her coat.  
"I'm serious, Edmund."  
"Yeah, yeah." He waves her off.  
"Saturday." She reminds him. "11 am."  
"Sure, let me just pencil it into my calendar under 'things I absolutely need to avoid.'"  
Aravis glares one last time at him, while Cor with his impeccable manners at least properly says goodbye, while holding the door for her.  
"Do you really think guys like that sexy?" Is the last thing Edmund hears before the two disappear on the Boston streets.

Who the hell does Aravis think she is, anyway, accusing him of a poor love life? How about she and Cor sort their own are-we-or-aren't-we relationship out first? And it's not like he actively avoids dating anyone, there just haven't exactly been many to strike his fancy. Of course, he doesn't actually meets that many people, either. Studying law takes up a lot of time, after all and when he's not slaving away in his room or pouring over books in the library, he's working a shift. It's really not that easy getting to know someone with a schedule like this.  
He had met Aravis on the first day of college, she was one of the rare female breed to study law, too. Both of them had snickered about how pretentious at least half the douchebags of their class were. They clicked instantaneously and their friendship had always been easy and effortless. Then they met Cor, who reminded Edmund of a certain troublesome, telmarine princeling with a very similar name, and the three of them had been inseparable ever since. Well, almost. Lately the two of them had more and more often found themselves hanging out only by themselves. No one could prove that Edmund is doing it on purpose.

But Edmund's happy like this. He doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything by not dating. Why is everyone paying so much emphasis on that anyway?  
In his mind Edmund already begins composing a letter to Peter in which he would complain about all of them and their confounded matchmaking. Then he reigns himself in again. Probably not a good idea.  
A month into his stay in Boston, Edmund had found a letter in his postbox, stamped in Finchley. There was no name of a sender but Edmund recognized the hand that had written out his old name and new address. Instantly, cold sweat broke out all over his skin and with shaking legs he had gone up to his room, thankfully empty. He had deposited the letter in the corner of his desk then and pulled out his homework. Of course it was impossible to focus on anything else, so scarcely fifteen minutes later he opened it after all. None of the things he had hoped or feared for were in it. Only Peter's kind attempt to rekindle their brotherly bond. He inquired about how Edmund was doing and how he liked it there, apart from the few things Susan and Lucy had passed on to him. In turn he wrote about his own studies with an enthusiasm that never failed to make Edmund smile. It took him over a week to find the right words for the response but ever since then there'd come a letter a month, sometimes even two, from time to time with pictures included. Susan and Lucy picked up on that quite fast but never joined in. They were eager to tell and hear news right over the phone instead of with a two week delivery delay.  
So, Edmund's happy. With all aspects of his life. College is still a lot of fun, the workload is manageable, his job pays most of his expenses, he has two good friends, his sisters are doing fine and he and Peter are still brothers. And if Edmund cried after reading that first letter and only finding mundane topics in it, then well, that doesn't matter. He's over that part of his life, anyway.

"Excuse me?" A voice pulls him from his thoughts. Edmund turns around with his affected costumer smile and the sexy brune- the suit guy stands before him.  
"What can I do for you?"  
"I uh... " He lightly scratches his head with one hand and smiles embarrassed. "I kinda heard you guys talking and... "  
The smile freezes in Edmund's face.  
"Oh my god, I sincerely apologize. My friend has a terrible humour. We didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, she was just teasing me."  
"No, worries honestly." He tries to placate Edmund with a smile. "Actually, I was wondering when you finish off today?"  
"The shop closes at 7 pm. from Monday to Friday and at 5 pm. on Saturday and Sundays." He replies mechanically.  
"Okay... " He answers, still smiling. "So, I can meet you here at 7.15 then?"  
"You really want to fight me because of this?” Edmund slips right back into his little shit persona. “Sorry man, I haven't brought my leather jacket today and we don't even really have a parking lot here."  
"Fight you? No, I wanted to take you out on a date?" And the guy has the audacity to pull out fucking puppy eyes.  
"I... “ He didn't expect that. “Okay." Edmund hears himself say.  
"Okay?" The guy positively beams.  
"7.15. Sure, yeah."  
"Great! I'll... I'll see you then." He takes a few steps backwards. "My name's Caspian by the way."  
"Edmund." Edmund says.  
"I know." He smiles, picks up the jacket from his chair and walks out. Not without looking back three times in total though.  
Yeah, Edmund is definitely not mentioning any of this to Peter.

Edmund is pulling at his shirt, trying to make it sit straight and then goes through his hair with quick fingers before he catches his own gaze in the mirror. He groans annoyed at himself, slings the bag over his shoulder and leaves. Spring is nearing its end, making it unnecessary to wear heavy jackets during the day and yet it still gets quite chilly during the evenings.  
"Yes, very interesting observation, you should totally work that into the conversation." He berates himself and pulls the metal fence down over the shop entrance, effectively locking up. It is twenty past and there is no sign of Caspian, yet. Edmund already toys with the idea to just leave. He has some reading left to do and also needs to reply to Peter.  
"Ah good, you're still here!" Caspian rounds the corner and lifts his hand in greeting. "I'm very sorry for making you wait."  
"No worries, I just closed up myself." He replies soberly and shoves his hands into his pant pockets.  
"I'm glad then." Caspian says. "I'm hoping you haven't had dinner, yet?" And he gestures his arm wide in an 'after you' motion. They fall in step next to each other.  
"Unless I wanted to stuff my face with day old muffins, there's isn't really a possibility here."  
"Mmh, day old muffins, my favourite." Caspian smiles.  
"So where exactly are we going?" Edmund asks then.  
"Surprise, surprise." Caspian hums.  
"The mysterious guy, huh? Those apparently always get all the ladies."  
"Got experience with that, do you?"  
"Obviously I'm the textbook definition of ladykiller, haven't you noticed?"  
"Oh, believe me." He says, suddenly serious. "I have."

He takes Edmund to a Hot dog stand. Edmund only refrains form making a snarky comment because Caspian pays and doesn't say anything when Edmund orders two for himself. They keep on walking and Caspian tells him about what he does as a living. The rich heir of one of America's biggest bank.  
"And my father always says I should look at it as ruling a kingdom, you know? The people's interests should always be my priority."  
'The goddamn Prince Charming of Beacon Hill, Boston. Of course.' Edmund thinks sarcastically.  
"And when you're not ruling with a mighty fist, you take innocent students out for hot dogs... in the park?" He asks confused after Caspian veers from the cobble stone street to the abandoned park gates.  
"I do like to surround myself with good things." He says, pops the last bite of his hot dog into his mouth and drops the wrapper in a bin.  
"You're not gonna kill me and bury my corpse under some tree with love carvings in it, until my remains will be washed up with the next rain pour, right?”  
"Don't worry." He grins. "I never do that on first dates."  
Edmund only huffs but follows, reluctantly.  
"Then what exactly are we doing here?"  
"We're almost there." Caspian answers patiently. And a few feet later he comes to a halt.  
"Is this it, or... ?" Edmund asks, standing next to Caspian and looking down at a wooden bench.  
"Sit down." Caspian orders and does so himself.  
The next thing he does is point something out in the sky and it actually takes Edmund a moment before he realizes they're stargazing. Involuntarily, he blushes.  
"You're interested in Astronomy, then?"  
"Yeah, well, not so much in the beginning but at some point the lessons took an effect on me."  
"What kind of insane private school did you go to where they teach Astronomy?"  
"Never went to school, I was privately tutored."  
"Of course." Edmund says.  
Then they stop that and Caspian asks him what kind of studies he's doing and why he came all the way from England? Doesn't he miss his family? And Edmund has to swallow hard and tells Caspian his parents died shortly before he came here and naturally he misses his brother and sisters but there was nothing he could have done at home either.  
Caspian listens patiently, nods, says "I'm very sorry for your loss."  
"Well, it's been over two years now." He reminiscences, then "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be depressing."  
"No, I understand." And Caspian turns around and touches the name on the little metal plate embedded in the bench and admits "I lost my mother, too." He sighs sorrowful. "I was still a kid then but not a day passes that I don't miss her."  
Tentatively, Edmund puts his hand over Caspian's. Caspian smiles at him and squeezes back before saying "Geez, your hands are icy." Edmund laughs but his body betrays him and shivers.  
"Here take my jacket." Caspian immediately offers. "It's been getting late, anyway. You mind if I accompany you back to campus? Assuming that's where you live."  
"You assume correctly." Edmund says and pulls the jacket tighter around himself. He hasn't noticed before but Caspian has a pleasant scent.

College is actually quite close by and despite their leisurely walking they soon reach their destination. On the way Edmund talks a bit about Aravis and Cor. Caspian in turn talks about how it's like being the only younger person on a board full of old men. Tells an embarrassing story about how he had to explain sexual youth slang to them and before Edmund knows it, he's laughing. An all out belly laugh with tears springing to his eyes and he has to support himself on the wall next to him. He's still recovering from that when the tall gate with its sharp fence spears comes into view. Caspian turns around to him and there's a look in his eyes that sobers Edmund up real quick.  
"So about the game... "  
"The game?"  
"You know, the big one. On Saturday?"  
"Oh. Right."  
"I was thinking that if you'd like I could come along and we could have a miserable time together?"  
Edmund smiles. "I'd love that actually."  
"Great." And Caspian smiles too. "Then maybe you should give me your phone number, so we can figure out the details later."  
"Sure, you wouldn't happen to have a pen and paper with you, would you?"  
"Aha, habit of being a banker- " He taps on his sides. "... I always have some in my jacket." And it takes Edmund a moment before he realizes, he's still wearing it. With a slight flush, he shimmies out of it and hands it back. Caspian fingers a moment and then presents Edmund with the aforementioned notepad. He quickly scribbles his number down.  
"All right." Caspian smiles and tucks it away.  
"All right." Edmund repeats.  
"I had a really great evening." Caspian says and steps closer.  
"Yeah, me too." Edmund's voice drops lower.  
He doesn't kiss back exactly but he does close his eyes and makes his mouth go soft. Something in his stomach pulls.  
"Good night, Edmund." Caspian whispers softly.  
Edmund watches him until he disappears behind a corner before entering the holy Harvard grounds.

He successfully manages not to think about it before he's in bed and trying to fall asleep.  
From now on Peter is not the last person who has kissed him, anymore.  
Consciously, he tries to focus on his breathing. He just understood something. The reason why he'd been such a hermit, such a loner, was because he had resigned himself to something. He will always love Peter. Hopelessly, hopelessly he had fallen in love and been stuck ever since. He had moved half around the world, trying to forget, trying to heal inside, mend that festering wound of a broken heart. He meant to lose the pains of his old life but he walked along canopy roads in the summer, patterns thrown on the ground by the sun falling between the leaves and thought of a young king, who had snatched his hand and led him out and away into the forest, where he'd soon fall asleep, weary of his tedious duties, and the leafy shadows would dance across his face, stirring something in Edmund for the first time.  
Edmund would enter the renowned Harvard library, reach out an arm, press close to the bookshelf and be reminded of a hand on his hip, a warm body pressed behind him and Peter's smile when he handed Edmund the book he couldn't reach. Thought about the smell of the paper, about how long afterwards he could still feel the warmth on his back and how much he had liked it.  
He'd sit in classrooms and buses and cafés and not even think about him but when he looked up there were strangers who had his hair or his smile and once in a while even his hands and Edmund realized there was nowhere he could go. So he resigned himself to loneliness. They had been so near once but he cannot hold the hand he wants to and he vowed to himself he wouldn't chase after it anymore. Peter isn't the last person to kiss him anymore but Edmund had learned a long time ago that there are things he isn't able to solve.  
Then he thinks about the book Cor had given him, about a sentence in it that haunted him even into his dreams.  
'They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.' and he thinks that that is the loneliest thing he had ever heard.  
But now, unexpectedly, a new character had appeared in their story.

Edmund works for one of his classes when someone knocks at his door.  
"Pevensie, you in? Someone's on the phone for you."  
"Coming!" He shouts back, sighs once and pushes himself from the desk with his hands. He has a good idea who it is. Then his eyes catch Peter's latest letter again. He stills, stares for a moment and finally goes to pick up his call. As expected, it is Caspian. Sounding positively giddy. He inquires about how Edmund's rest of the night had been and that he himself had to hold back from calling Edmund right that very night already. Edmund feels embarrassed, somehow trapped by this overabundance of happiness. But Caspian stays undeterred, asks about where they should meet Saturday, tells Edmund that he wishes they could see each other before then already but they'll have to finish up an important project this week and he won't even have time for a coffee break. Caspian rattles on and Edmund's mind keeps spinning back to Peter. He wants to smash his face into the phone. 'Caspian. Focus on what Caspian's telling you.' He berates himself.  
"Edmund?" Caspian asks as if on cue.  
"Yes?"  
"Wasn't sure if you're still there, is all."  
"Yeah, sorry. Just my internship's starting next Monday and I've been fretting about it all week."  
"I know you're gonna do great." He reassures him. "Oh hey, I gotta go. See you Saturday. By the front gates.  
"Exactly. See you Saturday." Edmund reiterates.

So Saturday rolls around. Edmund finally managed to write an answer to Peter and after an evening spend with Aravis, Cor and his dear friends Gin & Tonic, he is actually kinda looking forward to this second 'date.'  
Caspian is 45 minutes late.  
"Maybe something came up?" Cor suggests.  
"Either that or I was really, really wrong and he's just an asshole." Aravis grumbles.  
"Let's just hope for option one then, because I really don't want my first court case to be bailing you out of a first degree murder charge." Edmund yawns. He hasn't slept well and acting as if this isn't actually a big deal for him might placate Aravis' indignant bloodlust.  
In the end Caspian honest to God doesn't show up at all. Needless to say that Edmund had had much more enjoyable days in his life.

Later that evening Edmund admits that yes, he's disappointed, even somewhat hurt. And yes, it even intensifies when Caspian neglects to call that evening, or the following day or any day after that. Ultimately, though, Edmund has always been the guy to roll his eyes and say 'whatever.' So that is exactly what he does. 

He has other things to concentrate on. Like that internship at Lewis & Partners that is kicking his ass from day one. The partners are unattainable, the associates all jealous assholes and the coffee machine a fucking death trap. At least, he gets along with the secretaries, merit of his eternally schoolboyish looks. Although, looking at it like that it sounds kinda creepy. He's a week in when he finally gets a call.  
"Edmund?" Comes a distraught, hurried voice through the speaker.  
"Caspian?"  
"Thank God, I could get ahold of you. Listen, I'm sorry because of Saturday and that I only call now but they wouldn't let me make any calls until the situation with the lawyers was settled and- "  
"Hold up!" Edmund cuts him off. "You're talking too fast, what the hell is going on?"  
"I'm in jail."  
A moment passes.  
"Jail?" Edmund asks disbelievingly.  
"Yes, I'm... " Caspian starts, then breathes once deeply. "My father was murdered and it- "  
"What?" Edmund almost screams.  
"Yes, I was on my way to meet you, when I found him. There was... so much blood and it's, I don't know, like I blacked out, I just ran to his side and I couldn't think, I saw a knife and like an Idiot I picked it up, that's when my uncle and his wife walked in and... I guess you can imagine what they must have thought."  
"God, Caspian, I... I don't know what to say."  
"There's more. Of course I told them, the police, and our lawyers that I had found him like that but they won't listen. Even worse my own uncle is the one pressing charges against me and he pulled our lawyers to his side, they finally decided this morning and now I'm going on trial without legal defense."  
"But I haven't even heard anything about- "  
"That's because they kept it hushed up until now but it's gonna be in every paper by tomorrow morning. Shit, Edmund." He collapses. "I have no fucking clue what to do, right now. Fuck." He curses.  
"Well, first of all we'll get you new lawyers. I'll have to leave for my internship about now, as well. I'll make them take your case."  
"I have no access to the family's fortune right now but I have a trust fund that's all mine, so I can definitely pay. That's no issue."  
"All right. Once I've talked to them they'll probably come right to you to talk the case properly, until then you don't talk to anyone, you hear me? Not your uncle, or any friends, not even the guards if you can help it, you understand?"  
"All right, yeah." He answers, still sounding very distraught.  
"It's gonna be okay, Caspian. I'll get you out of this."  
"Thank you, Edmund."  
"Hey, try to calm down, okay? I'll talk to you soon."

"You're early today." Carmen smiles, dropping files on a desk.  
"Yeah, I really need to talk to Mr. Lewis." He says urgently, eyes already searching.  
"Oh? Well, they've just gone into the morning meeting and I think you're with Charles this week, actually."  
"Aha." He says absentmindedly, making for the conference room, where the lawyers and associates met every morning for case updates. Edmund knocks but doesn't wait for an answer.  
"I have a case." He declares and 18 pairs of eyes fall on him.

Lewis, one of his partners, and an associate, Charles Parker, whom Edmund is assigned to for this week have already been behind that visitor entrance door for over an hour. The coffee one of the officer's had poured for him had long gone cold. He's not sure why Parker is even on the case, his speciality was corporate law and Edmund had not at all looked forward to spending a week writing out paragraphs and analysing company stats. Corporate law was by far the most tedious and best paid branch of law. He sighs restlessly, he is tired of waiting here, he needs concrete information so he could devise a proper plan of action and immediately execute it. He isn't used to staying behind and in the background like this. Just another thing he has to get accustomed to, he supposes.

Another 45 minutes and finally the three men emerge. Edmund gets up, expecting them to drive right back to the office. Instead Mr. Lewis stops right in front of him.  
"So, you're Edmund Pevensie." It isn't a question and he doesn't look at Edmund either, instead he gets out an old-fashioned pipe.  
"Yes, sir."  
"You're a Harvard Student?"  
"Yes, sir, just finished my second year."  
"Interested in criminal law?"  
"Very much so."  
"How long is your internship to last?"  
"Six weeks, sir."  
"Mr. Adamson specifically requested you to be on the case." He says casually. Edmund is too surprised to respond.  
"If you were to agree, and I suggest you think about it very carefully, you would have to commit to stay with us until the case is over."  
"I understand."  
"It is impossible to say, yet, how long this could potentially be." He continues. "You would also work directly under me and not have the chance to experience other branches of practise so easily. Which I would assume would be the main objective for an aspiring lawyer."  
"I understand and I accept. I want to be on the case." Edmund states firmly. Then Mr. Lewis finally looks at him. Hard.  
"Very well." He says and begins walking towards the exit.

"Please, don't tell me you're only here to go over tomorrow again." Caspian says miserably. Edmund smiles pitifully at him.  
"Not if you don't want to."  
"I don't want to." He answers immediately. "In fact I don't even want to think about it."  
"Is there any other topic of interest then that you would like to converse about?"  
"Like what?" He asks.  
“Anything you want.”  
"The pudding they served today was disgusting." He complains then. "Again."  
"You and your pudding problems." Edmund sighs theatrically.  
"Tell me a story?" Caspian asks, full blown puppy eyes. But he doesn't need to persuade Edmund. Lately, all of his visits go like this. 

It started a couple weeks ago. Caspian was especially gloomy, the talk he'd had with Lewis earlier didn't go well. The investigation didn't find any traces of a third party at the crime scene and ruling out his uncle and aunt, who both testified to have spend all morning together, Caspian remained the sole suspect. Which is not exactly the best foundation when trying to prove his innocence. Even worse; that day Caspian had to admit to Lewis something he had previously chosen not to mention; he and his father had had a huge fight the night before. The Butler had witnessed it.  
So yeah, Caspian had been in a bad mood. Edmund usually came by two or three times a week and he and Caspian had gotten to know each other exceptionally well during that time. Hard not to, really, when Edmund was the only one he could talk to about other things than whether or not he had killed his own father.  
This slowly simmering frustration and rage building in Caspian didn't put Edmund off, though. Instead he welcomed it. He had not forgotten Peter's outbursts, how close he had come to ruin once. In those days Edmund learned that it was always best to express your emotions as freely as possible. So he patiently endured Caspian's petty remarks and deflected his lash-outs until he had gotten his frustrations out at least somewhat.  
And then Edmund said "Have you ever heard of the great Greek warrior Achilles?"  
Caspian, who a moment ago had defiantly laid his head in between his arms on the table, looked at Edmund with a pout. But there was also a curious glint in his eyes.  
And so he told him of the most famous of heroes. Told him about the centaur Chiron, who had already taught many other heroes like the famous Herakles. Told him about Achilles wrathful goddess mother Thetis. How she had hid Achilles in women's dresses, in which he had only been detected through a clever trick by the mischievous Odysseus. Told him about Achilles' incomparable prowess in battle. And about his immeasurable love for his companion Patroclus and how his death killed every desire to excel and win and fight. How the life of the greatest warrior alive, filled with the brightest glory and inevitable magnificence, had in one instant become bleak and unbearable and a punishment.  
When Edmund had finished Caspian had a very thoughtful look on his face, any trace of anger dissipated.  
"What must that be like?" He wondered. "Loving someone that much?"  
"Perhaps, you'll find out one day."

And from then on Edmund had often told Caspian stories when he was frustrated, sad or simply lonely, when he felt cramped, helpless and hopeless. Until they seemed to settle into a routine in which no matter what mood either of them were in, they would talk for a time about mundane things and then, inevitably, Caspian would say "Tell me a story?" and Edmund would smile benignly and comply.  
He told him about Herakles, who mastered all tasks of Eurystheus, stepping out of Hades, the world of the dead, to be finally reunited with his wife Megara and two sons, only to be gripped by madness and in one gruesome swell to kill them all.  
Told him about Phaidra and her incurable lust for her virtuous stepson Hyppolitos only to doom them both to death.  
Told about Medea, Jason's wife, the pure personification of revenge.  
And even the betrayal of Kandaules to his wife, he recounted, in which he bid his subordinate Gyges to spy on his naked wife without her notice, consequently killing Kandaules by the queens demand and taking her himself.  
He told many stories of many characters and really, he reflected, was always telling stories about love and crushing, irretrievable loss. Although, he kept that little observation to himself. Stored away with one other little fact; that these stories had all come from his brother.

Peter, who in a number of weeks would obtain his Ph.D. in History, ancient to medieval. Then he would fill the vacant spot of an academic fellow, where he would continue to look at age old documents and give lectures about them to people, who wouldn't any longer only be his siblings.  
Edmund missed it, too. He often did. How Peter's voice picked up in excitement and his eyes began to gleam when he told them about something he had read in a book or learned in a lecture. Edmund doesn't think that Susan and Lucy were actually particularly enraptured but Edmund himself certainly had been.  
He loved the way Peter painted the scene and build the story. He would close his eyes and see the temples, the giant fleets, the swaying grass beneath the olive trees, he'd hear the rush of waves and the ferocious battle cries, imagines how the tunics would feel under his hands and sandalled feet would crunch on the streets.  
And then hundreds of years later; the smell of the markets selling spices from all over the world in renaissance Florence and Venice, the much more elaborate and diverse cloth, how the sermons resounded in the palatial Catholic Churches.  
And the more Peter told and dreamt, the more it became Edmund's own fascination. To go there one day and pay homage to all the great histories that came before their own.

And now looking at Caspian's expectant face he sees it bloom there, too. This strange obsession. He wonders if Peter would be happy about it. Thinks, once again, of the content of the latest letter.  
"Have I ever told you that you kind of resemble Cesare Borgia?" He muses.  
"Doesn't he belong to this incestuous murder family?" Caspian retorts, one eyebrow raised.  
"Italy's menace." Edmund agrees amused. "I just remembered." He continues. "You even have a bull in the emblem of the Adamson bank, don't you?"  
"Yeah... " Caspian affirms warily.  
"Well, so did the Borgias and it wasn't only linked to their sturdy health but especially, and probably primarily, to their sexual prowess."  
Now Caspian's eyebrows shot up, intrigued.  
"Charlotte d'Albret even wrote a letter the night her marriage with Cesare was consummated, in which she claims that he 'made her happy' all of eight times." He says gleeful. Caspian snorts.  
"Now, I can imagine why they'd been called Italy's menace."  
Edmund smiles then, too.  
"In all honestly, though, they were quite awful."  
But Caspian suddenly seems to be thinking about something else. Edmund waits.  
"You know, we never even kissed properly."  
"Who? You and me?"  
"Yeah, I mean... there's this guy hundreds of years ago, who killed however many people and everyone knew and still he could get married and be with someone all he wanted."  
Edmund senses him getting agitated again."Caspian." He tries his voice to take on a calming note.  
"What if I lose? What if I really have to spend the rest of my life locked away, never to touch anyone else again?"  
"You won't."  
"How do you know?" He asks desperately.  
"Because I won't let that happen." Edmund says. Caspian of course doesn't look convinced. "And as soon as you get out of here you can 'make me happy' all you want, as well. Of course, I also expect a real seeing-stars-not-able-to-think-straight thank you kiss on top." He says. Gratefully, Caspian smiles.

Not to lie, the trial goes badly. Caspian, now with his hair cut and duly shaved, has virtually no alibi, except he had been under the shower, got out and found his dead father at exactly 10:47 am, which he clearly remembers because he had looked at the clock in his room before sauntering downstairs. The Butler had, as usual during that time, been out in the backyard to feed the peacocks and had not heard nor noticed a thing. The cook had left the estate at about 10 am, as the gentlemen would not be at home for lunch. The two maids had been hanging up laundry near the peacock cage.  
Combined with the fact that only Caspian's fingerprints were found on the murder weapon and that he and his father had been fighting the night before, it didn't look good. And everyone, including Caspian, knew that.  
Their only defence was now a lack of motive. Caspian would have inherited the bank and the family's fortune in the next five to ten years anyway. Apart from the occasional fights, nothing unremarkable in any family, he and his father had a good, even loving relationship. Furthermore, every single witness contested that Caspian was a kind, reasonable young man very unlikely to temper tantrums or rash decisions and yet... Someone has to be convicted.

Then Caspian's uncle Miraz takes the stand and Edmund, who sees him for the first time in person, has the unmistakeable sense of: traitor! Of course he tries to dismiss this impulse through logic and reasoning but dimly he keeps hold of that notion.  
Miraz is distastefully amenable, every second sentence seems to include 'my poor brother' and although, he also agrees to Caspian's tranquillity he, unprovoked, raises the point that five to ten years could surely seem like a very long time for such a young man.  
'Takes one to know one.' Edmund thinks and remembers something Caspian had mentioned to him; Miraz and his wife had recently conceived an infant son.  
As soon as Miraz is released from the cross examination, the judge adjourns.

Early the next morning Edmund is on his way to the prison.  
"Didn't expect you so soon, to be honest. Don't you lawyers have to brood over paragraphs to try and justify why I killed my father?" He asks sarcastically. There are bags under his eyes.  
"Tell me about your uncle."  
"Miraz?" Caspian questions. "Well, he's the younger brother of my father. Or was- "  
"Did they get along?"  
"Reasonably, I guess. Although, I hadn't pegged him to be so affected by father's death."  
"Why not?"  
"I don't know, I've only ever seen them interact professionally, he was a shareholder in the bank after all. Though, I always thought their relationship was kind of cold. We never even spent any holidays together or went on trips or whatever, not even when Mom was still alive."  
"And after he had a son? Did he change in any way?"  
"What? I don't think so... why are you asking me all this, anyway?"  
But Edmund is lost in thought. "You don't mean... you think Miraz killed my father?"  
"I don't know." Edmund admits then. "But something about him really seemed off to me."  
"But he has an alibi." Caspian protests.  
"You mean his wife? You don't think she would lie for him?"  
"Well, I mean, I don't know her that well but why would he do it?"  
"Because with you in the picture, neither he nor his son would ever become president." Edmund realizes.  
"You think he killed my father so he could frame me for murder and get me locked away?" Caspian asks scandalized.  
"Well, are you absolutely sure he wouldn't?" For some time Caspian says nothing, except "But he's my uncle... "  
"The worst thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies." 'Another credit to Peter.' Edmund thinks with a little pang and realizes he can't recall the last time it had hurt to think of him.  
"You okay?" He finally pulls Caspian from his thoughts.  
"Yeah, I actually just thought of something else." He mutters. "Not long ago two other shareholders died suddenly. They were father's most trusted advisers and unfalteringly loyal. They would have stood by me, too."  
"They died?"  
"Yes, they were both widowers and friends since childhood. Miraz had given them two tickets for a Caribbean cruise, he and his wife had originally planned to go on but her pregnancy had been too far advanced then."  
"And what happened?"  
"They never made it to the cruise, their cab was mugged and they were killed. Father was devastated. Do you think... ?"  
"I'll be damned if Miraz didn't have his hand in there." Edmund says with determination.

The most daunting part is then to convince Lewis of his theory. Because really that's all it is. What seems so clear and indestructible in the heat of discussion, quickly cools down without the actual prospect of cold, hard facts.  
"We need to crack the wife." Edmund concludes his speech. Lewis looks at him for a long, long moment. None of the other lawyers even dare to breathe.  
"All right." He says finally. Quickly people are dispatched to 1) get any records of the mugging and in the best case direct contact to the perpetrators to try and see if they had been hired and paid and 2) to scoop up any other dirt on Miraz himself to alienate the wife, or alternatively dirt of herself to have a pressure point.  
Edmund himself is to stay with Lewis because he would very much like to know how exactly Edmund had come to this conclusion.

Two weeks later Caspian fumbles with his keys, attention torn between opening the door to his house and kissing Edmund. Finally the lock gives way and they stumble in. As soon as the door's closed again, Caspian pushes Edmund against a wall. Carelessly, they're kissing and grabbing each other. Acting as though they're starved and want to catch up on time gone by. Well, they waited almost three goddamn months for this, so Edmund thinks they're allowed.

One of the muggers had shortly given himself up after the deed, he hadn't known they were going to kill people. Although, he didn't rat out the others since he'd only sought penance for himself, he led them to their employer and from there a link to Miraz could be established, which the man was willing to testify. His wife cracked too after Lewis brought up the fact of Miraz' continued infidelity and the fact that she would lose her son and go to jail if it was ever found out that she lied under oath about such a grave matter. She quickly relented then that she had seen her husband leave the property and that it was only bad luck she had caught sight of him. She would never have known if she hadn't forgot to bring diapers to the bathroom where she had intended to bathe with the baby, after her husband didn't respond to her callings, she investigated to see where he was and witnessed him leave at about 10.25 am. As soon as these words left her mouth Miraz was arrested and brought into custody. He had since confessed and Caspian had officially been cleared of all charges. Lewis had even clapped Edmund's shoulder and said "Well done, Edmund. It is undeniable that you have the right instinct to one day become a great lawyer."  
"Thank you." Edmund had, to his embarrassment, flushed.  
"You should go and celebrate with your friend now." He smiled gingerly. "And on Monday morning I will have a glowing Evaluation sitting on my desk for you.”  
"Thank you, sir. It was an honour working with you." And Edmund meant it.

This is how they get here.  
"Nice place you got." Edmund notes breathlessly, distracted by Caspian sucking marks into his skin.  
“Mmh, I'll give you a tour later.” He answers distractedly.  
Edmund is trying to focus on the ceiling with its giant chandelier or the unquestionably valuable paintings on the walls or the stately staircase with its convoluted handrail. He tries to focus on anything but how fucking hard his dick is, really.  
Then Caspian opens Edmund's pants, pushes them past his ass and falls to his knees.  
“Woah, what are you doing?” He asks surprised.  
“I haven't forgot.” Caspian smiles enticingly. “A real seeing-stars-not-able-to-think-straight thank you kiss.” He repeats Edmund's words.  
'Fuck.' Edmund thinks and then nothing else for the next few minutes.  
Caspian's mouth is warm and his tongue torturous the way it swirls around the head. He's alternating between continuously flicking his tongue over the tip and sucking at it. Then he opens his mouth wide again and sucks him so far down, Edmund's hands fly into Caspian's hair. Instinctively wanting to pull him off again because how is anyone supposed to last like this? Caspian doesn't seem to care though, he hums around Edmund's cock and the vibrations that generates, combined with the smile he throws at Edmund, is enough. He comes completely undone.  
"You okay?" Caspian asks, getting level with Edmund again, gentlemanly tugging him back in.  
"Yeah... " Edmund breathes laboriously. "No one's ever done that for me, is all."  
"Obviously, you've only been with jerks then."  
"Only one jerk, really." He corrects.  
"Well, that was definitely a royal one then."  
Involuntarily, Edmund laughs.  
"You have no idea."

 

Unlike to what he expected, there is no need to search for his sisters. Jubilantly, Lucy jumps up and down, calling his name and Susan with her brightest smile waves jauntily.  
"It's so nice to see you." "I've missed you so much." They say while smothering him from both sides.  
"It's good to be home." He smiles.

"Whose car is this? Yours and Andrew's?" Edmund asks curious, it looks more like a rusty garbage container than an actual functioning car.  
"It's Peter's." Lucy giggles.  
"We told him we wanted to go clothes shopping." Susan chimes in.  
"He doesn't suspect a thing." Lucy keeps grinning. She has a fringe now and Edmund thinks it becomes her extraordinary well. Susan, despite her nefarious activism for women's rights retained her rather traditional style. He hasn't seen them in such a long time but it feels as if he slides right back into his place in the family. Edmund is glad.  
"He's home by the way." Susan adds.  
"Most probably right where we left him; hunched over his desk." Lucy remarks.  
"Why didn't you bring that girl with you, anyway?" Susan scolds him suddenly. "I would have loved to meet her."  
"What girl?"  
"I think Susan means Aravis?"  
Ah. Edmund had almost forgotten that unfortunate incident. A couple weeks ago their scheduled phone call had slipped Edmund's mind and like some ill-made joke Aravis just so happened to be the one to pick it up.  
"Your sisters send their regards." She had said smugly to him, grinning like a cat. "Oh and they might be under the impression that we have a passionate love affair."  
Edmund had only scowled at her, vowing to tell Cor as soon as he'd see him. But the trial was on and he'd forgotten. Involuntarily, Caspian pops into his head.  
"I really don't know what the hell she told you but it's all lies. She and I are not a couple." He grumbles.  
Lucy aw's. "But she seemed so nice."  
"Edmund, don't tell me you rejected her!" Susan admonishes.  
"As if! Should I ever fall in love with her, she'd laugh herself into the next century! She's a man-eating demon, the devil's mistress!"  
"Edmund!" Susan exclaims scandalous but both of his sisters laugh.  
"And anyway she's into Cor, just too much of a chicken to own up to it." He concludes.  
"She's in love with your best friend?" Susan inquires.  
"Technically, they're both my best friends. I think I almost got them to finally get over themselves, too."  
"Oh, but Edmund then you'll be all alone. Again." Lucy says.  
"Not really... " He mumbles.  
Both the girls throw each other a quick glance.  
"Edmund... ?" Their voices rise expectantly.  
'Well, here it goes.' He thinks. "You remember the murder case I just worked on?"  
"You mean the only thing you've been talking about for months?" Lucy asks sarcastically.  
"Did you meet someone at the office?" Susan questions.  
"No." Edmund begins. "Actually, I met them before all of that even started but then it turned out they were accused of murder."  
"Ha!" Lucy's eyes grow enormous.  
"Edmund, don't tell me you're dating an ex-convict!" Susan cries out dismayed.  
"Seeing as I just prevented him from getting convicted, I can reassure you that I do not."  
"Caspian?" Lucy's voice nears a squeal. "You're dating him?"  
Between Susan's indignant steer onto the street and Lucy's giddy delight, Edmund only huffs and confirms. "Yes."  
"That's awesome news, I'm so happy for you!"  
Susan is suspiciously silent.  
"We're talking the heir to one of the biggest banks in Northern America, a guy who has just been on trial because of patricide but then it turned out the killer was actually his uncle. That's the guy you're dating?" Susan asks matter-of-factly.  
"All points correct, your honour."  
"Well." She smacks her lips. "Is he at least cute?"  
Lucy bursts out in laughter and Edmund drops his head.  
"Very." He groans.

As soon as the girls are sure the lower floor is clear, they motion and wave for Edmund to come in, as well. Personally, he thinks this little spiel of wanting to surprise Peter a bit ridiculous. He just wishes he could be done with it already, he feels anxious enough as it is at the thought of facing Peter in person after all this time. Two years, though, had that been enough time? For both of them? Edmund doesn't know.  
"We'd love to see this but Peter always gets so self-conscious with spectators around, so we decided you should just go up alone." They whisper.  
'Great.' Edmund thinks.

He tries to be sneaky for all his worth and thankfully his body doesn't betray him. Muscle-memory helping him to avoid the squeaky stair steps and creaking door hinges. Luckily for him the door isn't even properly closed, so he gently pushes it open.  
And there he is.  
Just as Lucy said; sitting at his desk and presenting his back to Edmund. Out of nowhere an urge floods over Edmund, as intense as they only are in situations where it's impossible to act on them; to walk over there and put his arms around him and rest his cheek on the top of his head. In another life he could do it and Peter wouldn't even flinch because in that life they could be together and he'd be used to Edmund's closeness, so it wouldn't disturb him because it was familiar. Yes, he would simply keep working because in that life it made no difference whether they were touching or not, they were always together anyway. So Edmund would stand there with his cheek pressed to the softness of his hair and he'd sigh contently because Peter was warm and close and smelled like home.  
"Are you writing me another love letter?" He would ask then, a bit teasingly and Peter would smile and reply "I'll read it to you if you want." completely serious. And they would be happy, infinitely happy. But this was not that life.  
In this life Edmund leans against the door frame, his arms not folded around Peter but in themselves.  
"Working hard as ever, I see."  
In this life, their real life, Peter flinches.

His head whips around. "Ed- ?" Eyes big, like he can't believe it. Then, like a split through his face, the grin appears. "Edmund!" He gets up and his arms hug him tight.  
"What are you doing here?" He laughs and smells so familiar, Edmund has to close his eyes.  
"You're graduating, aren't you?" He says in lieu of an answer. In his head he wonders how many seconds they're allowed before the appropriate length of their embrace is exceeded. But, they haven't spoken to each other in two years, so honestly, who cares.  
"Are Susan and Lucy behind this?" He asks conspiratorially, ending the embrace but keeping his hands on Edmund's shoulders, keeping their bodies close.  
"They wanted to surprise you." Edmund explains. "You know, have fun one last time before you get your Ph.D. and become a pipe-smoking, bald-headed old man with a weird moustache, Mr. Professor." Edmund teases and Peter snorts.  
"If that's what it means to have a doctorate then they can keep it for all I care."  
"I bet." He laughs.  
"How long are you here for?"  
"Just a week."  
"Not exactly long."  
"No." He shrugs. "Come on then, we should get back down. I have a feeling Susan made a pie."  
"All right, let me just put this stuff away and I'll be right there."  
Edmund starts going downstairs when Lucy suddenly appears in the way.  
"And was he surprised?"  
"Oh my god, Lucy!" He shouts in fake alarm. "Call an ambulance! I think it was too much for his decrepit, old heart!"  
"I heard that!" Peter protests and unexpectedly he darts out of his room. "I think you two need some lectures in the matter of respect!" and he chases them into the kitchen where Susan fondly shakes her head at them.  
"You guys will never change, will you?" She says and puts plates down.  
"And you Susan?" Peter grins predatory, fingers out. "Have you changed?"  
"Peter!" She threatens with a giggle but she cannot escape and Peter tickles her until the tears spring to her eyes. Lucy laughs too and Edmund is incandescently happy.

The rest of the day is spent laughing, talking and bonding as they haven't done since their childhoods. Even when Andrew joins them it doesn't carry off from the serene, relaxed atmosphere.  
That night, immersed in the familiar smell of home and led into unconsciousness by Peter's even breaths, Edmund sleeps blissfully. It truly is good to be home.

But one week's short and it slips by in a blur. The days are spent with reading old favourites, walking along the streets of childhood, cooking by following his mother's most treasured recipes, having a chat with various neighbours, including the Rabbs, of course celebrating Peter's doctorate and gliding into a life he might have led, had he stayed. But that hadn't been the case. So, amidst all this happiness a little unease gnaws at him.  
The first evening of his arrival Lucy had almost revealed him. Andrew had sat down with them, a steaming cup of tea before him and asked Edmund a few details about the trial. And in a teasing, little sing-song voice she had exclaimed "Oh yes, Edmund, tell us more about Caspian~."  
Thankfully, Susan possessed a bit more tact and she warningly kicked Lucy's shin, retorting to her in the same voice "Aw, don't tell me you have a little crush." It diffused the situation immediately because, Peter typically became instantly serious and listed off points to convert Lucy away from such hopeless, impossible fancies. It didn't matter that Lucy quickly and repeatedly protested that she had only been joking.  
But as soon as Edmund could arrange to be alone with his sisters, he urges them please not to disclose his relationship with Caspian to Peter.  
"Why, though?" Lucy immediately wants to know. "It's not like he would care."  
"I agree." Susan adds. "I understand if you want to tell him yourself, Ed, but I'm sure there's no reason to fear his reaction."  
"Right, I saw that earlier when he went off on Lucy just for making a joke."  
But the girls only snicker at that.  
"That's just Pete." Lucy says. "He's too over-protective for his own good. But you saw how quickly he accepted Andrew after he satisfied himself of his valiant character and virtuous intentions." She mocks.  
"Exactly, and he's always been worse with Lucy and me. I'm sure you'll be perfectly fine." Susan grins.

Yet, somehow Edmund doubts that. Consequently he spends the whole week trying to talk himself out and back into telling Peter. Edmund has no idea if the thing with Caspian will even last but if it does, it would at some point come out anyway and then it'd be best if Edmund himself was the one to reveal it.  
Then there is something else he can't get out of his head. Something Susan had added, presumably half jokingly.  
"And who knows, maybe once you tell him Peter will realize that he'll need to get a move on, too, if he doesn't want to be single long after all his younger siblings have found someone."  
"He hasn't been with anyone?" Edmund asked, somewhat disbelievingly.  
"Frankly, he'd been even worse of a hermit than you've been. But you've got someone now, so maybe there's still hope."

Peter had been alone, too. All this time. Edmund can't really imagine why. Unless, he's blaming himself or just feels that people like them don't deserve a happy relationship, a good life. That's when Edmund decides that he definitely has to confess to Peter. Because there may not anything else Edmund can do. But with this much he can help. Because as Aravis had told Edmund 'Nobody cares.' It is time for Peter to realize this, too.  
The only problem now is finding the right moment. He needs to be alone with Peter, just not 'that' alone. In the end, the day of his departure is on them and before the four siblings climb into the car he quickly pulls his sisters aside and explains that he hadn't the courage yet.  
"Once we're at the airport Lucy and I will slip out and get your luggage checked in, you two park the car and then you'll tell him!" Susan devises immediately, almost angry.  
"Okay." Edmund nods resolutely, albeit a bit unsure.  
"You really need to do this." Lucy asserts.

So it happens.  
"All right, I think we're good here." Peter decides, checking the distance to the car parked next to him. "You coming?" He asks, his seatbelt unbuckled and already reaching for the door handle when he notices that Edmund hasn't moved.  
"I... " He starts and stops. God, why is this so hard?  
"Ed?" Peter asks, his voice dropping softly, turning his whole body towards his brother. "Hey, what's going on?"  
Edmund swallows once, finally facing Peter. Their eyes lock.  
"I'm with someone now." He says. "With Caspian. I'm with Caspian now."  
Peter's face betrays nothing but his shoulders fall and he turns his body towards the steering wheel again. Edmund waits.  
"He's treating you well?"  
"Very."  
"And you like him?"  
"A lot." He sighs hopelessly.  
"Okay." Peter says after a moment. But he still won't look at Edmund. Then his hand moves to the door handle again.  
"I mean what's past is past, right?" Edmund holds him back. "And Susan told me that you haven't really been with anyone and I just... you deserve someone for yourself, you know? You deserve a good life. I know you've always wanted your own family and I think you should go and find someone you can build that with." He concludes rather timidly.  
"Okay." Peter says again in that monotone way and finally gets out.  
"Okay." Edmund echoes, a sigh escaping him before he follows.

It's still one hour before take off when he says his goodbyes. Susan and Lucy both squeeze him really tight. Lucy reminds him to get out there and experience as much as he can and maybe send some postcards her way. Susan tells him not to be a stranger and to drop by more than once every two years. Then it's Peter's turn and he too pulls Edmund in for a long hug.  
"Take care." He whispers.  
One last time he turns around to wave goodbye. His eyes caught by Peter.  
'Hey, stop making a face like that.' He thinks. 'I can't help it either.'

 

"Heeey." He smiles tiredly, spotting Caspian. "You didn't have to come pick me up."  
"I wanted to." He smiles back, taking the backpack from Edmund and pulling him in for a hug. "Had a good time?"  
"Yeah, it was great. Nice to see everyone again." He yawns. The both of them geting in motion. "Good to be back, though."

Edmund doesn't know this yet but from now on there won't be any more letters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> σκία | Skía  
> (n., fem.) a shadow, reflection  
> It may also be used in reference to the shades of the dead, or phantoms.
> 
> The quote 'They slipped brisky into an intimacy from which they never recovered' stems from F. Scott Fitzgerald's This Side of Paradise.


	3. ἀρρωστία

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man this chapter gave me a lot of trouble... but on the other hand I already reached my goal!
> 
> Enjoy!

"Today a part of me has died. And I cannot mourn, because I've forgotten all the synonyms of 'sadness'. Now, all I can do without you, is replace you."  
\- Tom at the Farm (2013) dir. by Xavier Dolan

Edmund knows one thing for certain: He is happy with Caspian. 

It had surprised him, initially, how easily their relationship progressed, how effortless and good it felt.  
Caspian still spends most of his lunch breaks at the coffee shop, only he now sits at the counter instead of occupying an inconspicuous window seat. However, he still orders the most ridiculous creations and never the same twice in a row.  
"Don't want you to get bored of me, yet." He twinkled.

When Edmund works the late shift Caspian usually picks him up. Sometimes they would still do the whole hotdog and star gazing thing only now there'd be much more making out. The first time Edmund had objected whether they should be doing this at all on a bench dedicated to Caspian's mother.  
"I can't imagine she would mind." He smiled and pulled Edmund closer again.

When Edmund's study load and examinations increased, he had to cut back on his work time and Caspian would come over to his. And although they had both upright intentions it wouldn't take long until they migrated from studying articles at the desk to studying each others bodies in bed.  
Edmund asked him once why Caspian seemed especially horny whenever they were here in Edmund's room. Sheepishly, he admitted that since he never went he always had fantasies about boarding schools and somehow being like this with Edmund in Harvard just fueled them uncontrollably. Mindlessly, Edmund told him then about his own years at Boarding School and Caspian's pupils blew. Needless to say Edmund didn't get any studying done that day.

"You guys are kinky perverts." Aravis said, handing over a bag with clothes Edmund had been too embarrassed to buy.  
"Have fun." She smirked and waved over her shoulder as she went down the long hallway to her own room. Edmund as red as could be.

"Ah, Mr. Adamson, please come in." Edmund greeted him after his heralding knocks on the door. Caspian wanted to say something too but obviously the words got stuck in his throat at the sight of Edmund in knee-high socks, shorts, a white shirt with open blazer and those typical schoolboy shoes. His mouth stood slightly agape, his eyes following Edmund.  
"I'm so grateful that you're willing to give me extra lessons, I promise I'll work hard to satisfy you!" Edmund blushed, squirming affected.  
"Jesus. Christ." Caspian finally said and closed the door.  
To his dismay Edmund insisted on actually studying first before allowing Caspian to ravish him.

That semester Edmund almost failed one of his classes. In retaliation he became especially strict. No more sexing until he finished that day's study goals!  
So, Edmund resolutely focused on his books, while Caspian, unbelievably turned on by this display and forced restraint, lounged on Edmund's bed until he would turn around and declare "Time for a break". Which Caspian always used to reward Edmund's diligence excessively.

Nonetheless, wanting to be stealthy wasn't exactly too possible in a college dorm. They were mostly lucky not to be caught by anyone and because Edmund's roommate spend most of his time at his girlfriend's. He still threw Edmund suspicious glances from time to time. Therefore, Edmund thought it a blessing when Caspian finally found himself an apartment.  
He couldn't bear to live in his childhood home anymore. He hadn't wished to sell it but he couldn't stay in it anymore either, the haunting look on his face testament enough for that. He needed a fresh start. Sort of.  
It took him quite a while to find the perfect place but once he had, he had moved in within a week. Like the rich, spoiled brat he was he wanted to rent a moving company but Edmund insisted he should definitely build his own nest. Naturally, Edmund still forced Cor and Aravis to help. They liked Caspian though, so they didn't mind.  
As soon as the last box was stowed away, the last wardrobe pushed to the wall, did Edmund usher their two helpers hurriedly out of the house. It took them less than a week to christen every room. Several times.

Then, one day, Edmund opened the entrance door with the key that Caspian had given him the very day the furniture was moved in and Edmund had never really thought about it before and Caspian had never asked for it back. Basically, he had simply kept it.  
And Edmund realized it's been nearing months since all this started. He was storing groceries away, his preferred cereal on the left and Caspian's pop tarts on the right. He left the olives out because he was gonna make Cubanos Frijoles, Caspian's favorite, that he had taught Edmund one evening, the way his mother had taught him. He used the knives they bought together. As soon as he had a minute he renewed the water in the vase that Edmund had bought alone, on a whim. He saw the dog-eared paperback on the couch table, a silly, little romance story. Unfathomably Caspian had as much of a weakness for them as Aravis did. Once they'd be finished with dinner they'd retreat to the living room, Caspian would put some Patti Page on and they'd read in companionable silence, legs touching and feet nudging. Until Caspian grinned at him or yawned and they'd go to bed. Edmund couldn't remember the last time he had slept at his own place.  
Caspian had been half an hour late. He slithered apologetically up behind Edmund and nuzzled his neck.  
"Mmh, smells good." Edmund leaned into him for a moment and then Caspian automatically put the table for them while talking about his day at work. He seemed relaxed and content. Edmund felt the same.  
"How was your day?"  
"Fine." Edmund said. "Good."  
Caspian looked at him for a second but decided to drop it for now. Once they're seated Caspian dominates the talk and Edmund barely listened. He was busy wondering if this should be this easy because it would be a really awkward thing to be wrong about.  
" -mund?"  
"Hm? What?" He blinked back into focus.  
"Everything okay? You seem kinda distracted." And there was real worry in his tone. Caspian made an effort to notice- to really notice - Edmund, to pay attention to his moods and needs.  
"Did we move in together?" He asked.  
The confusion in Caspian's face heightened a tad but then it relaxed into a grin again.  
"I thought we did weeks ago." He said simply and kept eating.  
"Oh." Edmund said and he was kind of astonished. "You're aware I'm still paying for my room at Harvard?"  
"So? The term's almost over anyway. Just don't rent one next semester."  
But Edmund wanted to say more. Like all his clothes were still there, his schoolbooks, documents, letters. Then he realized that most of his wardrobe was actually already here anyway, in the cupboard they had assembled together or drying on the clothes line where Edmund had hung them up earlier. His book about constitutional law was lying treacherously on the couch table because he had worked with it yesterday evening. In all honesty he could probably pick up any remaining things after class tomorrow and have effectively moved out. Just like that.  
Caspian still smiled complacently. Edmund flung some Beans at his face.

Of course there are also hard things because every relationship has hard things. Caspian has the most crippling self-doubt at times. Edmund wasn't sure how to deal with it. Simply saying "You can do it." didn't really cut it. That's what he tried though. The first time it happened. Because he didn't know what else to say.  
Caspian hadn't been sleeping much, he looked faint, lost weight too. And he's irritable, prone to snap at the silliest things. Edmund had had no idea that it was the pressure Caspian had felt from his new role as bank president, the sudden loss of his father. He was groomed for it, of course. Knew very well his responsibilities, his duties. Who he ought to be, how he should be. There was no time to break down, he had things to do. Couldn't even confide in Edmund, too scared to let his posture slip for even a second lest it crumbled completely. So he'd hung by a thread and Edmund blamed himself.

Because, the thing was, Edmund had his own issues to overcome. But he didn't know how and he felt very alone in it, too.  
Every time they got close, every time their make-out sessions became more heady, every time Caspian's hand slipped into his pants, grabbed his ass with intent, Edmund froze. He didn't mean to, not that first time when his own reaction caught him by surprise and not any of the other times after that when he anticipated Caspian's fingers.  
But he froze. Over and over. Every time.  
Just for a second, his heart skipping a single beat. It was such a miniscule fluke in their rhythm it shouldn't even be possible to notice. But Caspian still did. Every time. His grasp softening, his kiss loosening a degree of demand. They came back from their animalistic gratification to something slower, less threatening. Caspian never pushed. Edmund kinda hated it.  
Caspian even apologized that first time. After they were lying breathless, exhausted, next to each other in Edmund's bed.  
"I'm sorry if I... pushed too far earlier." He said into Edmund's hair.  
"You don't have to apologize." He squeezed the arm draped around his middle. "You didn't do anything wrong."  
"Still." He continued and pulled Edmund just a bit closer. "I don't want you to feel pressured or think that I'm expecting anything. Especially if it's your first time... "  
"Wouldn't be my first time." Edmund threw in without thinking. Caspian's head lifted up.  
"Seriously?" He asked. "Huh... somehow I'd thought... " he trailed off.  
"I might not be the most promiscuous or experienced one, for that matter, but I have done some things." He said defiantly. Caspian scooted away a bit then and Edmund turned over on his side so they were facing each other.  
"With that... 'major jerk' then?" He inquired.  
"I believe you called him a royal one but yes."  
"Huh." He said again.  
"What?"  
"Tell me about it."  
"Caspian." Edmund groaned annoyed and turned away.  
"Come on, I'm curious." He said as Edmund got up from the bed. "Did you already know he was a jerk when you guys did it or did you figure that out only afterwards?"  
"I never actually thought he was a jerk at all. You're the one who said that." He countered, pulling the shirt over his head.  
"So what? You were in love with him?" Caspian asked from his position on the bed, head propped up by his hand and a curious glance following Edmund to his desk.  
"If you must know- " He said, still annoyed and pulling books out of his backpack. "Then yes."  
Thankfully Caspian dropped the topic there. Foolish to think Edmund would be save from any further cross examinations, though.

Scarcely a week later and they were sitting on separate ends of Caspian's couch. Their feet were loosely intertwined and Caspian's toes absentmindedly stroked Edmund's from time to time. Both of them were sunk in their respective books. That is, they were ten minutes ago, before Caspian started to merely pretend to read in favor of slyly observing Edmund. Of course Edmund had noticed but he adamantly glued his eyes to the words and walked through Manderley with Jasper, Rebecca's disembodied, omniscient eyes on them. He wanted to concentrate on the smell of the azaleas, the faint sound of waves beyond the woods. He would not raise to Caspian's bait. He would not. He. would. not.  
"What?" He grit, too unnerved by Caspian's silent stare.  
"How old were you?"  
"How old was I when?" He was still not looking up.  
"When you met that guy." He said. "When you fell in love."  
"Caspian." Edmund whined tormented, absolutely not wanting to go into this.  
"I tell you mine, you tell me yours." He offered.  
"And why would you assume that I'd even be the slightest bit interested in your past conquests?" He finally laid the book aside, crossed his arms and ankles though.  
"Because I have nothing else to bargain with?"  
"What about the combination for the bank vault?" Edmund wriggled his eyebrows.  
"Very funny." Caspian said.  
Edmund looked intently at Caspian for a moment. Searching his eyes for a trap.  
"Fine." He sighed. "But you start."  
Caspian rearranged himself until he sat cross-legged, a pillow adjusted behind his back.  
"Hmm, I was 12, maybe 13, and it was at summer camp."  
"Aw." Edmund cooed.  
"He was my age and of course nothing ever came of it. But that was the first time I had realized this about myself. I still remember when my Mum came to pick me up and I asked her if it was okay if I liked boys better than girls."  
Edmund laughed. "What did she say?"  
"Honestly, I doubt she really understood what I had asked. Nonetheless, she didn't miss a beat to reassure me that of course it was okay."  
"Did you see him again?"  
"No, frankly, I can't even recall his name now. It was a little boy's crush, no more no less." He shrugged.  
"And which charming candidate preceded this nameless summer fling?" Edmund teased and Caspian gave a theatrical sigh.  
"Ethan."  
"Ooh, Ethan." Edmund reiterated ominously.  
"As you know I never had much contact with other kids while growing up so I only met him at college. He was an English major and as pretentious as can be."  
"I mean you went to Princeton, aren't all of you pretentious by default?"  
"Haha." Caspian mocked. "I actually thought him to be the most brilliant person since like... Joyce." He admitted embarrassed and Edmund laughed into his face.  
"I was young and inexperienced!" He defended himself. "Whatever. So I met him at one of these Friday evening parties. He bumped into me while I went to get a drink. He apologized and I already wanted to leave again when he gave me that grin."  
"What grin?"  
"You know that 'I am. Are you?'"  
"Oh."  
"Yeah, anyway we began to meet and he uh... taught me a lot of things. And like the stereotypical, sappy, freshly deflowered virgin, I thought I was in love. I'm pretty ashamed actually how I let him use me and how long it took me to finally realize this. Even lost a couple of good friends because of him. Took me forever to get over him, too."  
"All the better that you did."  
"Yeah." Caspian agreed. "The last big one was in my final year."  
"And?" Edmund lifted his eyebrows to make him go on.  
"He was... a professor."  
"Naughty!" Edmund exclaimed.  
"It didn't go on too long. He was married and I knew Richard would never leave his family. I broke it up when I felt myself developing feelings. And good thing I did, I saw him chase after another boy scarcely two weeks later." He shrugged again.  
"You really have a gift to pick out the assholes." Edmund countered sympathetically.  
"Looks like it, huh?"  
"And after that? Any other illustrious affairs?"  
"At least none that were significant in any way. Usually I just went out whenever I felt an itch, you know? I had become kind of disillusioned, I guess."  
"So young and so bitter."  
"Actually... "And he began to smirk. "I was this close to going straight." And he held his thumb and index finger close together. Edmund guffawed.  
"Seriously!" But he laughed too. "My father even sat me down and had a long talk with me about the importance of a stable family and all the values it presented. He hinted strongly at one of our shareholder's daughter."  
"Good God."  
"It was pretty uncomfortable." Caspian agreed. "But I was feeling pretty low and lonely and I thought he might have a point. Why not get married? I thought. Have a companion, children to take care of. I could still go and scratch that itch if need be, I could live like Richard."  
"Geez. And then?"  
"Well with all these thoughts swirling through my head, I took the afternoon off, went to the park, had a talk with Mum. I asked her to send me a sign and she did."  
"What?" Edmund asked, leaning forward, caught in the excitement of the story. "What did she send you?"  
"A little coffee shop." Caspian smiled. "I never went there before but that day I felt I should and there he was, the cutest college barista anyone ever saw, whose smile made me fall in love right there on the spot." He finished. Edmund didn't say anything. He looked at Caspian, whose eyes gazed at him with wonder, love, affection and Edmund didn't know what he did to deserve this person.  
Almost simultaneously they reached for one another and their lips met in an intimate, sweet way. Edmund's eyes stayed closed long after the kiss stopped. They both held each others faces.

"Now your turn." Caspian finally breathed and Edmund exhaled exasperated.  
"Whoops, looks like story time is over. Please come back next week." He announced and extricated himself from their position.  
"Uh uh, you promised." Caspian protested.  
"I did no such thing." He said walking over to the kitchenette.  
"Edmund." Caspian whined playfully.  
"You want a cuppa?" He called.  
"I bare my soul to you, tell you about the most embarrassing choices of my life and all you offer in return is a cup of tea?" He asked incredulous.  
"Green or Darjeeling?"  
"Darjeeling." He sighed defeated and Edmund heard him plop back into the pillows. They didn't say anything while Edmund waited for the kettle to boil and took the opportunity to arrange a story in his head. When he deposited the steaming cups on the couch table he found Caspian sprawled all over the sofa, one arm over his eyes.  
Edmund merely lifted one of his feet to climb back to his previous seat and then dropped it unceremoniously, effectively sitting between Caspian's lower limbs. He reached for his own cup and blew on it a few times before settling it in his lap where it grazed Caspian's calf.  
"Hot." He complained and pulled it away.  
"I was ten." Edmund began and Caspian pulled his arm a bit higher to peek out at Edmund.  
"You were deflowered at the age of ten?" He asked disbelieving.  
"What? No!"  
"Well, you said there was only ever one guy, so... "  
"What the- No, I- Just- Urgh." He groaned. "Shut up and let me tell the story."  
Caspian lifted his palms apologetically and heaved himself higher up so he could reach for his own tea and balance it somewhat precariously on his stomach.  
"I was ten." He began again.  
"Yes, I believe we already established that." Edmund only gave him a pointed look. "You were ten." Caspian said profoundly. Edmund had half the mind to throw a pillow at him.  
"Me and my siblings were sent off to the countryside."  
"Ooh, is this like my camp story?"  
"Well, the London Blitz had just happened so no, not really."  
"Gee, when was that again? 'bout 1940?"  
"I believe so."  
"It's unreal to me sometimes that the war hasn't been over ten years yet." He mused. "Sorry, please go on." He smiled at Edmund's unamused face.  
"As I said " He breathed out. "We were sent off to a big estate in the countryside. Hours and hours on a train. We stayed there with an elderly professor and his housekeeper. And although we had all the space in the world with the mansion and all its ground, times were pretty bleak. All of us were stressed out and just generally miserable. Which made it hard to get along. Lucy was always crying about being homesick, Peter and Susan independently from one another pretended to be super serious grown ups and honestly I was kind of a bully myself." He sighed. "It looked to be a long summer." And now Edmund had to tread carefully. "But there was also the ground keeper’s son."  
"Ah, now we're getting to the goods." Caspian teased.  
"He was my brother's age and I found him to be utterly intolerable."  
Caspian laughed loud.  
"Then again- "  
"Wait, wait." Caspian interrupted. "What was his name?"  
"Uh, his name was... uh William."  
"Oh Billy, the handsome devil."  
"Shut up." Edmund kicked him lightly. "None of us ever called him that."  
"I bet. Tell me more. What did he look like?"  
"What do you mean what did he look like? He looked like a bloody human, you know two arms, two legs, a head, the whole shebang."  
"No, I mean like his hair, the color of his eyes. Stuff like that."  
"What does it matter?"  
"Well for one it'll make it easier to picture and secondly, it'd be interesting to see if you got a type." He grinned suggestively.  
"In that case let me reassure you right there. He had the lushest blonde mane you can imagine, the most brilliant sky blue eyes and all that rounded up with the ever so ravaging working class tan."  
"In other words: A total dreamboat." Caspian swooned but recovered quickly. "All right, all right, 's what I get for asking. Resume, if you'd please." He made a little bow with his head.  
Edmund exhaled hard through his nose.  
"He started to hang out with us and the others took to him right away, always followed his suggestions. If at all it was Susan who would argue sometimes. And because I was inexperienced and oblivious I made him out to be a giant nuisance for everyone. I was pig-headed and really mean to him, because I didn't get it, you know?" He sighed regretfully. "Anyway at some point I wandered off because I was so fed up with everything and, as I am sure you can already guess, I soon lost my way, strayed from the path and was hopelessly lost. I was cold and hungry and incredibly scared, though I wouldn't admit that even to myself."  
"And then?"  
"He found me." Edmund shrugged. "When I heard him call out and come towards me I was already getting defiant again, although I was secretly relieved and glad but I thought he would berate me and treat me like a child. Instead he hugged me really tight and told me how worried he'd been and how happy that he had finally found me."  
"Aw." Caspian cooed.  
"Well, and that's when I realized, as you had put it so nicely earlier, that I liked boys better than girls."  
"So the knight in shining armor rescued the stubborn, little prince. How did it go on?"  
"Summer came to an end, the war receded back to France and Germany and we went home."  
"Nothing happened?"  
"What could have? We were both children and I wouldn't have known what to do about it anyway. However, after he had brought me back I became much less hostile and me and my siblings all got along again. Upon our return we promised to exchange letters and stay in touch. That worked for a while but we were all soon occupied with other things. And as I got older and more mature I looked back on it as a cute little summer love. Then one day, I must have been sixteen by then." He lied. "We got a letter from the professor asking us to visit him again. Of course we all jumped at the opportunity. I was excited to see Will again and gauge his reaction after I had grown up so much."  
"And?"  
"Long story short we were drunk one evening and did it."  
"That's it?" Caspian exclaimed.  
"Pretty much." He answered. "It wasn't romantic or anything it just... happened."  
"And you were in love with him?"  
"Really hard and hopelessly, yes."  
"But that must have been horrible!"  
"Not at all, it felt amazing and I was happy then. Of course I didn't realize until later that nothing could ever come of it and that it didn't mean anything to him."  
"Are you serious? That's awful!"  
"Yeah, I guess it was. I was heartbroken, too."  
"And you only did it that one time?"  
"No, once more before I left but we had a party that day and he'd been drunk again."  
"How do you know it didn't mean anything to him, though? Maybe he needed some courage, hence the drinking."  
"He never said that he loved me, had kissed me only once. After that first time he averted his eyes from mine and he never spoke of it, not even to me. Doesn't really get any clearer than that."  
"So he was a royal jerk! I was right all along!" Caspian complained.  
"I don't know about that... the older I get the more I feel like I understand it."  
"Edmund, listen to me, that guy fucked you over. Literally. Whatever the reason may be why he treated you the way he did, it's not worth a single tear. Forget about him!" Caspian said intently, clasping Edmund's knee.

That night they didn't try to have sex. But the one after that. Caspian assured after their mutual confessions didn't let up so hastily after Edmund went, as usual, rigid. He tried to keep going but Edmund's heart suddenly started racing and he pushed Caspian off. He immediately apologized. Still, it continued to happen over and over and over. Edmund couldn't help himself and it wasn't like he really understood it either. While he fought and fretted internally, so did Caspian.  
He had a six week long trip coming up, where he'd have to visit different branches and bureaus, represent the bank and himself as its president, for which he felt completely inadequate and ill-prepared. On top of that he felt shitty because he felt rejected by Edmund. All this came to a head the night before he was to leave.  
Edmund had flinched away from him, yet again. And instead of apologizing and reassuring Edmund he groaned annoyed and sat up. He was flaccid anyway. Edmund laid there, half naked and looked distressingly vulnerable. Caspian didn't have the mind to console him.  
"Are you still thinking about him?" He spit out instead. "It's been years and you're still not over it?" He knew he was being unfair but Edmund's unresponsiveness only fueled his anger. "I know he broke your precious, little heart but come on."  
"I should go." Edmund muttered meekly and slid off the bed.  
"Do you still love him?" He demanded and Edmund halted in his movements only a fraction but Caspian saw it. "You do, don't you?" He laughed hurt. "Well fucking great then!"  
It's the last thing he said before storming off to the bathroom and slamming the door.

Edmund wasn't sure if they broke up or not. He spent the first two weeks moody and blocked every inquiry from Aravis and Cor. In the third week he got angry and drunk and told them everything. Ari cursed Caspian to the moon and back. Twice. Cor tried to explain that Caspian must have been under a lot of stress recently. His mother is a hairdresser and she's always up to date on any gossip. Apparently there were a lot of people hoping for him to fail.  
"Also anger is just a secondary emotion of fear, you know. Sounds to me like he was scared that you'd leave him too." He shrugged nonchalantly.  
"Still a fuckwad!" Aravis yelled.  
That got Edmund thinking though. Which he did for a whole week. So in the fourth week of Caspian's absence he got drunk again. He also had a revelation.  
Peter had fucked him over. Literally. He had used him for God knows what reason. Edmund didn't know if Peter had ever been aware of Edmund's feelings for him but regardless of that his own brother had used him for sex. Edmund had loved him more than anything, had let him in, in every sense of the word and Peter had been a jerk and hurt him irrevocably.  
"Guys." He slurred, interrupting them and their footsie game. "I think I'm in love with Caspian."  
"Tell us something we don't know, hon." Aravis said.  
"Congratulations." Cor said and probably even meant it.  
The next week was spent moping because he was afraid he had fucked everything up and he wanted to talk to him and couldn't.  
"Just lay down butt-naked on his bed when he comes back. He'll forgive you in a second."  
"Or cook him something nice."  
The final week was therefore spent at Caspian's place where Edmund, anxious, cleaned every surface his hands or a duster could reach. He did the laundry and slept in sheets and pajamas which smelled mostly of Caspian and he really, really missed him. He curled himself up in a cocoon of scent and pined pathetically.  
That was exactly where he was as well when he heard the key being turned in the lock. He had been lying there since he came back from university, too nervous to even attempt to do anything, it had gotten dark outside and he hadn't turned a single light switch on. The only thing he had done was lock the door because Susan had read him a worrying article about increased robbery at night. People kept forgetting to lock their doors, making it easy for Robbers to just walk in and take everything without the owners ever knowing.  
He heard the door open, bag shuffling, a tired sigh and then the door closing again. Edmund made his way out of the bed and into the living room, still cocooned in the bedsheets. Then Caspian switched the lights on and turned his face around to Edmund. Evidently, he hadn't expected to see him because his eyes grew big and vulnerable.  
And just like that Edmund dropped the sheets from his shoulders and Caspian's bag slid off his back and they met in the middle of the room. Edmund hopped on Caspian's waist, kissing and touching fervently.  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Forgive me." They both pleaded at each other, too scared, too relieved to let go. In the end Caspian lowered both of them onto the couch, his kisses turned softer now but when he tried to disentangle himself, Edmund used his arms and legs to keep him close.  
"I missed you." He said and rolled his erection up into Caspian's stomach.  
"I missed you, too." Caspian said and stroked a hand through Edmund's dark hair. He looked at Edmund with adoration but there was also a hint of uncertainty in them so Edmund cupped his cheek and looked at him with all the sincerity in the world.  
"I'm sure."  
"Are you?" Caspian asked. "I was an asshole. It doesn't bother me if you're not ready, even if you'll never be. I just want to be together with you. I have no right to even ask this of you."  
"You don't have to ask because I want it. And I am sure." He said again.

Thankfully Caspian was satisfied with that. He gave Edmund another lingering kiss, it never ceased to amaze him how freely Caspian bestowed them, and lifted Edmund up again. Their mouths did not part before hitting the mattress.  
Their hands and lips were frantically nipping and caressing, too much had they missed each other. There weren't many words exchanged and the only time Edmund became unsure was when Caspian wanted to turn him on his stomach. He had always faced Peter but in that case it may even be better if he would let Caspian take him from behind.  
It hurt but Edmund got over it when Caspian grabbed him and pulled him up. They were both on their knees and it felt like any other time when Caspian hugged him. Safe and warm, just more intense. Even if they weren't looking at each other, even if there was scarcely the possibility of kissing, it felt more intimate than it ever had with Peter.  
Caspian came before him, turned Edmund around and guided him back down onto the mattress. Edmund thought he might go for a kiss then but instead Caspian gave him the blowjob of a lifetime.

Afterwards they laid facing each other. Edmund's eyes were closed, he felt sated and sleepy. Caspian's idle fingers stroked along his jaw, the shape of his ear, the bridge of his nose and even his eyebrows.  
"I didn't mean any of the things I said to you. I'm sorry."  
"You didn't miss me?" Edmund pouted. Caspian smiled quickly.  
"I'm serious."  
Edmund took his hand and plastered a reassuring kiss in his palm.  
"I know you didn't mean it. Though, you were right."  
"Still, I was anxious because of the trip and I let it out on you."  
"You should have told me."  
"I'm sorry, I didn't know how."  
"Then at least promise me you'll let me help next time." He said. "I want to help."

Three months later they had 'officially' moved in together.  
Things between them were great, awesome even. Of course there were still certain things giving them a hard time, as there always would be. But they worked on it. Together. And more importantly they planned to keep working on it.  
Like Caspian finding the perfect way to wake Edmund up in the morning without him being grumpy. Obviously a lot of blowies were involved.  
Or Edmund's various and relentless ways of trying to help Caspian with his anxiety and self-doubt. Those ranged from daily cups of camomile tea, into which Edmund smuggled the occasional drop of Valerian whenever the bags under Caspian's eyes became overly noticeable, to fencing lessons. Cor had given him that idea. He'd said that some training and exercise were always good for strained nerves. And since Edmund had toyed with the idea of picking up fencing himself he just dragged Caspian along, who miraculously hadn't been tutored in this. They both seemed to have an affinity for it, although Edmund hadn't been bested by Caspian in a long time now. They stuck with it.

Then again there were still other hurdles that neither of them could really do anything about. The fact that they couldn't touch in public, for example. Occasionally, one of them would thoughtlessly reach out but the other would be just as quick to dodge or shoot a warning glare, too accustomed they were to hiding in order to protect oneself. They knew they were lucky that Cor and Aravis were so accepting but the majority of the population? Unimaginable.  
This of course also meant they could never go out to dance without Aravis there. If it was a couple dance, one of them always had to keep sitting or ask a strange girl. Which they did at the beginning but since more often than not that said girl would cling to them for the rest of the night they soon wouldn't bother anymore.  
Aravis herself would of course come along as often as she could but she had her own studies, her own life, and Cor, who was to Edmund's utter amusement actually jealous of Caspian.  
One evening Aravis was finally fed up enough by his irrational behavior and snide comments that she told him right out she didn't care a peep for Caspian because the only person she wished would notice her was him! Cor's only reaction had been to become beet red and stammer unintelligibly until Aravis sighed and dragged him outside by the hand. Edmund had the serious suspicion that they didn't talk half as much as they made out.

Apart from these public dances were also firm events like soirees and dinners to which Caspian was expected to bring a companion. A female companion. He had a number of such acquaintances, which he had taken before but when Edmund one night took the trash out and found one of those acquaintances eagerly force her tongue into Caspian's throat he immediately went to Aravis the next day.  
"You know, I'm starting to think you guys should be paying me for always giving you an alibi." She said sarcastically. Edmund knew though that in this case she didn't mind at all since it gave her a rather neat opportunity to establish contacts and to promote herself in the upper class.  
Edmund was happier with this arrangement. Honestly though? It still pissed him off. Just like it did Cor. Whenever Caspian and Alibi-Aravis went out Edmund and Cor would meet up and usually got drunk. One of these evenings they got the better of themselves and the more alcohol they consumed the angrier they got. Complaining about literally every bullshit they managed to think about somewhat coherently.  
Until Caspian and Aravis came in, laughing. Obviously they had had a good time. Edmund didn't even want to imagine how sinister Cor and him must have looked like to them. Their happy smiles disappeared and Caspian tentatively asked if they had had a nice evening.  
"What does it look like?" Cor had spewed angrily. "I guess I don't have to ask whether you had fun with my girlfriend, huh?"  
Instantly Aravis' eyes closed to slits, she stomped over, grabbed Cor by the neck, thanked Caspian for the nice evening, wished Edmund a good night and hauled the still protesting Cor out.  
Caspian shimmied out of his overcoat and chuckled lightly at the display.  
"What's so funny?" Edmund said, a mean tint to his voice.  
"What's gotten into the two of you tonight?" He asked.  
"Nothing, I just think he's got a point."  
"You know damn well I would never touch Aravis." He exclaimed shocked.  
"Wouldn't you?" Edmund taunted.  
"If I recall correctly it was you who wanted her to accompany me in the first place." He said, slightly annoyed but walking past Edmund into the living room, all the while fumbling with his tie.  
Edmund kept complaining. Wondering why they even kept doing this, where could this possibly lead, surely Caspian was expected to have an heir at some point, what on earth were they even doing?!  
He yelled all of his frustrations out while Caspian undressed and listened noncommittal. After he was down to his white dinner shirt he walked past the still infuriated Edmund, straight to the music player and slowly Tony Bennett filled the room as Edmund quieted down.  
Caspian came over to him then, kissed him on the lips and lightly coaxed him into a waltz.  
"The reason why I'm doing all this, as is also the reason why I will keep doing it, is because I love you, Edmund Pevensie. In consequence, I will accept every amount of hiding and restraining I will have to endure in public because in private I can kiss you all I want and as you are the person I need most of all, I don't plan to let you go. Ever." He said. "Even if it means you'll yell at me every time."  
Edmund didn't say anything, just glared stubbornly at Caspian's smile. However, he didn't let go of him for the rest of the night either.

They had their ups and downs. Both of them were capable of the most ludicrous pigheadedness and were prone to internalize a majority of their thoughts and feelings. It was no surprise that if one of them exploded the other was right there to hit back. It was only when both of them snapped for their own reasons but at the same time that not even indomitable Aravis would dare go between them.  
The ups included trips to Coney Island or to Caspian's family house up in Vermont, where they spent a Christmas. Aravis and Cor had ever so humbly invited themselves along.  
Then there was also the first time Edmund said 'I love you'. Caspian had been cutting something for dinner, swinging his hips to some music when he saw Edmund come in, tired from a long day of university and work.  
Caspian smiled and asked "What do you think? Nat King Cole's brand-new record." and Edmund had only replied "I really fucking love you."  
Caspian's mouth had dropped and his eyes went wide only to contort into a painful grimace a second later because he had fucking cut himself!  
It needed six stitches. The drugged-up Caspian he had brought back from the hospital beamed at him for the whole ride and repeatedly declared "You love me."  
Edmund could not for the life of him remember which train of thought had made him say these silly three words in the first place.  
"I will neither deny nor affirm this statement seeing as the consequences are way more far reaching and potentially lethal than I could ever have anticipated." He said morose. Still, he made sure that Caspian stayed very, very close to him for the next couple of days.

Things went on like this until one year passed and then a second one and all of a sudden Edmund was about to graduate.

"You sure you don't mind?"  
"Yes, I am. In fact, I'm actually delighted to house your siblings." Caspian answers, pulling another white sheet from the furniture. "It'll be nice to see the house filled with people." He goes on. "It's always been to big for just me and my parents. And maybe I'll finally know if I wanna sell it or not, if this can ever be a home for me again instead of just a place where my parents died."  
Arms snake around his middle and Edmund presses his face to Caspian's back.  
"We're still only gonna be five, that's hardly a full house."  
"I'm pretty sure Ari mentioned something of coming by as well? Also, after all the stories you told me about your siblings, I have a feeling it's gonna feel full, all right. I'm really looking forward to meet them." He grins at the strangled noise Edmund makes.

Edmund doesn't know which deity he has to thank for being able to separate Caspian and his nosy siblings so long from each other. After he had moved in with Caspian he had watched the telephone like a hawk every Wednesday night, the appointed time for their phone calls. Especially in the first few weeks they had always hoped to catch Caspian on the phone but Edmund always denied them. He got awfully paranoid then that they would try at random times of the day so Edmund told them not to do it since it was also the telephone which Caspian used for work. In turn he never picked up the receiver apart from Wednesdays either, no need to make people suspicious.  
"You know, it's all right if you're ashamed of me or if you don't want them to know about me. I get it." Caspian had said after Edmund had hung up and had earlier hit at him for reaching for the telephone in a moment of thoughtlessness.  
"That's not it, at all." Edmund said. "I'm not ashamed and they all know about you, about us." Then he turned around with a very grave expression. "I'm just trying to protect you. My sisters are absolute hyenas and have no sense of personal space."  
"They know about us?" Caspian asked bewildered.  
"Yeah, told them when I went back that one time." He shrugged casually.  
"Wow." Caspian said to no one. "And they're okay with that?"  
"I wish." Edmund groaned, plopping down woefully in Caspian's lap. "They're fucking ecstatic! Apparently they thought I would never land anyone."  
Edmund expected a chuckle but Caspian only sifted through his hair absentmindedly.  
"So they really don't care?"  
"The place we grew up... " He explained. "It was never an issue there. Love is love." He shrugged.  
"Wow." Caspian said again. "I can't even imagine something like that."  
"All kinds of animals are known to live like this. From that standpoint it's rather natural, don't you think?"  
"Now you're just making it sound like you grew up with a bunch of animals."  
And there, finally, was the chuckle.

From that point on Caspian was looking forward to meet Edmund's 'fabulous' siblings but thankfully did not interfere with Edmund's 'plan of protection'.  
Unlike Aravis, who at some unknown point exchanged phone numbers with his sisters and they now practiced infrequent but all the more inconvenient phone calls. Inconvenient for Edmund, that is. Because Aravis quickly took to complain and conspire against him. Whenever he would shut himself 'too much away' (He was studying law for crying out loud!) or he and Caspian had a fight he would now hear about it from both continents around the Atlantic ocean.

"When were they meant to arrive again?" Caspian asks.  
"Tomorrow, 2.15 pm."  
"Wanna borrow the car?"

He sees Lucy come out first, grasping Susan's elbow. She grins wide when she notices him but then immediately turns around to Susan again, who had a very definite, noticeably swollen belly.  
"Oh, Ed, finally!" Lucy says.  
"God, you look thin!" Susan says.  
"Where's Caspian, haven't you brought him?" Lucy asks.  
"You wouldn't happen to know where the nearest bathroom is located, would you?" Susan wonders and flurries past him, Lucy in tow who calls back "Pete's getting our luggage! He should be right there!"  
"Uh... " Edmund finally says, huffs amused when he sees them disappear down the building and turns back around, waiting for his brother to emerge. He'd go lend a hand but the baggage claim is naturally closed off for non-passengers.  
'Jesus Christ, Susan's pregnant.' The thought shoots through his head.

And then the doors open again and there he is. Ladled with bags and packs and Edmund runs to help him before anything falls down.  
"Oh!" Peter says as the topmost bag he balanced in front of him tips down into Edmund's ready hands, revealing his face.  
Surprise turns into a smile as he recognizes his brother's features.  
"Hey." Edmund says amused, slightly wary.  
"Hey." Peter answers, smiling but slightly embarrassed.  
"Here let me take these." He offers and together they manage to transport all the luggage to the nearest seats. As soon as Edmund places the last bag down and turns around again he's engulfed in a hug.  
"Now for real." Peter says close to his ear. "Hey. It's good to see you again."  
"It's good to see you, too." Automatically his arms reciprocate the gesture.  
"Me too!" Lucy screams and slams herself into Edmund's back. Peter lets go then but Susan quickly takes his place.  
"Didn't I tell you to visit more than every two years?" She scolds motherly. Peter smiles benevolently at the figure the three strike.  
"What can I say? Time flew by." He says doddery like a senile, old man.  
They all let go of each other then, grab each a bundle of bags and get out of the airport.  
"Now tell me where are you hiding Caspian? You didn't leave him in the car with a cranked window, did you?" Lucy asks.  
"Jesus, no. He's at work."  
"Ooh, doing important banking stuff?"  
"I imagine so." He says. "But how about we concentrate on other pressing matters at hand?” He says and turns to his eldest sister. “You're pregnant?"  
All three simultaneously look down at Susan's belly as if they were noticing it for the first time.  
"Didn't I mention that?" She asks dumbfounded.  
"No?"  
"Well, I'm pregnant!" She beams at Edmund's aghast face.  
"Believe me, it was a surprise for all of us." Peter appeases and claps Edmund on the shoulder.  
"Should you have even flown in your state?" He asks.  
"Ah!" Susan says. "Now I remember! That's exactly the reason why I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to try and argue me out of visiting. And before you start now!" She raises her voice over his. "I'm in the fifth month and the doctor cleared me."  
"Still!" Edmund says and unlocks the car.  
Lucy whistles. "Nice." She looks it over appreciatively.  
"Well, it's not mine." Edmund says matter-of-fact.  
"So where did you arrange for us to stay, anyway?" Peter asks.

"Well... this is... " Peter starts after Edmund unlocks the front door of the mansion and his siblings enter with big eyes.  
"Awesome!" Lucy finishes the sentence.  
"That's what I call a 'humble abode'." Susan says.  
"Really? Because I called it extravagant." Edmund says.  
"You live here?" Peter asks.  
"This is like an actual palace!" Lucy squeals, runs to the stairs and strikes a pose like a movie star.  
"No, we don't live here." Edmund answers. "We have an apartment on the other side of town, closer to the university." He explains.  
"So this is where Prince Charming grew up, huh?" Susan asks, stroking her belly with one hand, meandering into the hall and inspecting portraits.  
"The estate has been owned by the family for generations. As far as I know, anyway."  
"And now he's the master of the house? Does he have a butler?" Lucy asks gleefully and joins Susan. Picking up a vase here and a picture frame there.  
"I already told you he doesn't use it anymore. He specifically aired it out for you guys so you wouldn't have to stay at some motel." But they aren't listening. Even Peter wanders through the rooms, but at least he has the manners not to touch anything.  
"You know if all this is his then he's no prince at all." Susan says.  
"King Caspian!" Lucy declares. "The- uh... second?" They look at him. He sighs.  
"I can't say for sure but I think to remember him saying something about being the tenth?"  
"King Caspian the tenth!" Lucy announces as Peter comes back into the room. "What do you think, Pete? Does that sound like a worthy successor to you?" But he does not respond.

After they've all found their rooms, had time to unpack and freshen up they find themselves in the kitchen trying to cook something up. Susan is rummaging through cupboards, Edmund raids the pantry, Peter hunts for dishes and Lucy slurps lemonade on the kitchen counter, her legs swinging idly. In the end they decide for pasta.  
Edmund and Peter are assigned the complicated task of watching the noodles, while Susan and Lucy conjure up a sauce. While the girls are actually occupied and concentrated, the boys just play each other. A splash of water here and a nudge into the rips there to make the noddles fall from the spoon. They're laughing unabashedly and Susan rolls her eyes amused when Lucy joins Edmund in trying to make Peter drop them back into the bowl before having a chance to test their consistency.  
“The party's already started, I see.” Caspian walks in. “Wow, this smells amazing.”  
Everyone is startled for a second, not used to being interrupted during their sibling time.  
“Oh, it's just a bit of pasta.” Susan blushes and Edmund goes over to him, smirking because he's so used to him that sometimes he forgets how handsome Caspian actually is.  
“Caspian, these are Susan, Lucy, and Peter.” He points them out one by one. All of them give a smile and a little wave or nod.  
Typical, Edmund thinks. His sisters with their big mouths are now as courteous and reserved as they used to be with visiting dukes. Caspian is undeterred by it, though. He slides an arm around Edmund's shoulder.  
“Is there anything at all, I could help you with?” He asks.  
“You could pick out a wine that goes along with sloppy noodles and burnt sauce?” Lucy suggests helpfully.  
“Unfortunately, I can't say I'm an expert for wines but one of you maybe?”  
“Take Peter.” Susan immediately says. “He knows all about it.” Edmund snorts.  
“Since when?”  
“A couple of months?” She says it with an undertone like they're sharing a joke Edmund isn't privy to.  
“I can take a look.” Peter says nonchalantly.  
“Great.” Caspian beams and plants a kiss on Edmund's cheek. “Be right back.” He grins and gropes his lower one. Edmund almost squawks in surprise but he doesn't think anyone saw it. Then his eyes meet Peter's.

“Oh my god, Edmund!” Lucy whispers in an urgent tone as soon as the other two left for the wine cellar. “He's gorgeous!”  
“What on earth did you hide him for, for so long?” Susan inquires. “I've started to expect a bookish, lanky sort of guy with glasses as thick as my pinky.”  
“So handsome.” Lucy says again almost to herself.  
Edmund only sighs helplessly.

Caspian and Peter aren't back within the next five minutes so Edmund, inconspicuously, goes to check on them.  
He is halfway down the short stairs when he starts to hear sounds. His steps slow down. There is no word being uttered, which he finds uncharacteristic for both of them. There's only the noise of wine bottles clinking now and then. They must be inspecting a number of them then. In utter silence. Did one of them already offend the other? Edmund almost walks completely down then to diffuse any bomb or situation, whatever he may find, when Caspian finally speaks up.  
“So, you're the brother with all these stories about the Greeks and Romans, huh?”  
“I teach classes in history, if that's what you mean.”  
“I see.” He answers and the silence stretches on. “You know, Edmund used to read me your letters.” Oh Aslan, Edmund thinks and Caspian's voice rises in hasty explanation. “I mean obviously not the entire thing just the parts where you included those stories... He did it to cheer me up during my uh... incarceration.” He starts to ramble and Edmund just wished he would stop.  
“I'm glad they could be of comfort to you.” Peter answers curtly. “This one should do, I think.” And Edmund steals himself away before they reach the stairs.

Caspian soon manages to lure Susan and Lucy out of their overly polite shells and easily creates a relaxed and lighthearted atmosphere. Edmund is glad, enjoys how his sisters blush and gossip and laugh, none of it affected. They genuinely like Caspian, which is good. And not because it means that sooner or later they'll be comfortable enough to bombard him with questions and threats. Peter doesn't say much and drinks more, a thoughtful gaze fixed on Caspian.

Edmund had planned a flurry of activities for the two weeks which were promptly dismissed by both Susan and Lucy, who considered Edmund's ideas and expertise but would rather spontaneously decide where they wanted to go and what to do. Peter shrugs amused and goes along wordlessly. Well almost, if it was just the four of them he was as sarcastic and playful as Edmund had used to always know him, only when Caspian would join them in the evenings did he become uncharacteristically reserved. Neither Caspian nor his sisters seemed to take much notice though. Edmund couldn't make sense of it. Did he feel threatened because of Lucy's comment that Caspian was the king now? That he had all this wealth and could easily pay and provide for Edmund and his family? Edmund had no idea how Peter's job at the university paid but neither Lucy nor Susan ever mentioned anything about financial problems so he doesn't know. But he can't imagine that Peter could still be bitter about not having his own kingdom anymore.

“Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.” Susan says, combing her hair in front of a mirror. “He was way worse with Andrew, don't you remember?”  
“I do!” Lucy says rolling her eyes jokingly. “He was so... so brutish and always glared and snapped his answers.”  
“Andrew was terrified!” Susan giggled.  
“Pete'll calm down soon, you'll see.” Lucy reassures him.  
He bids them goodnight then, walks to his own bedroom and tells Caspian about it.  
“Oh yeah, I figured.” He just says.  
“You did?”  
“He seems like the type, you know? Very protective.” He explains and smiles. “A bit intimidating but nice. In a way.”  
Edmund is bewildered. Is he the only one who has trouble reading Peter?

But his sisters are right. Of course they are. Peter grows less and less distant, or rather less hostile, each day.  
They get together with Cor and Aravis one evening in a bar, as well. As expected the girls immediately take to each other. Unexpectedly, so do Peter and Cor. But then Cor, who for the longest time couldn't decide on a major and had consequently done classes in literature, anthropology, psychology, and history, to name a few, has a huge variety of topics he can talk about. Obviously, Peter and him share some common interests.

They visit Harvard and sit in on a lecture whose discussion is promptly dominated by the Pevensies as they all have different viewpoints and positions. As the lesson ends the professor laughs heartily, says "Evenings at your family's dinner table must be quite the event" and thanks them for their input.  
They go to a couple museums, a theater piece and an opera, take day trips outside of Boston, eat at restaurants Edmund had never entered despite his residence of four years now and talk and laugh and relish in one another.  
How grown-up they all are and must look like to outsiders but Edmund still sees the snub-nosed little Lucy, the mischievous glint hiding in Susan's smile and the adventurous joy in Peter's eyes. They haven't changed.  
"Aah." Lucy sighs happily, sated by her big meal. Susan smiles at her belly and twists her wedding band around her finger. Peter smiles, too, but more hidden. Edmund catches his gaze.

The day before their departure is Edmund's graduation and he glows red as the sun when his siblings cheer louder than any other attendees.  
“You're English!” He wants to yell at them. “Behave like it!”

Afterwards, they all go dancing. Lucy is a bit tipsy, okay very tipsy, she's been talking to Aravis and though the music momentarily quiets down, her voice remains loud.  
"I know I need to get a move on, too. I mean Susan's been married for years and now they're getting a baby, Peter's engaged and from the way Caspian looks at Edmund I don't think theirs is too far off either!"  
Amused Caspian squeezes his hand but Edmund doesn't react, he looks at Peter instead.  
"I didn't know you were engaged." Caspian calls to him. "Congratulations."  
Peter thanks him but turns back to watch the dancing couples.

“You could have told me, you know.” Edmund says to Peter's back.  
His movements still for a second. “I know. I'm sorry.” Then he continues to fold his clothes, stores them meticulously into his suitcase.  
“You didn't even have to call. A letter would have been enough.”  
“Ah, I thought you might be angry about that.”  
“I'm not.”  
“I was busy with other things. I forgot.” He says as if that's it, no big deal. “Susan and Lucy already tell you everything over the phone so it didn't really matter anyway, did it?”  
“No.” He says warily. “I guess not.”  
“Exactly. You're invited of course. Caspian, too. I hope you'll be able to arrange it.”  
“I don't even know her name.” He says and is irritated by how bitter it sounds.  
“Liliandil.” He answers and finally turns around. And if this was a romance novel the look in his eyes would mean 'Say one word and I'll leave her. Just one word and I'll be yours forever.' but their story had never been a romance.  
So what these eyes actually say is 'I'm finally happy. This woman, a woman you don't know, makes me happy. Don't spoil it.'  
“I'm happy for you.” Edmund says.  
“And I'm happy for you.” Peter says.

They don't talk again before their departure. All of them pledge to stay in touch and to come to Peter's wedding. Susan promises to send pictures of the baby.  
They disappear behind the check-in area. Caspian and Edmund drive home.  
When they finally step back into their apartment Caspian gives him a lingering kiss and then walks off to open the windows or do whatever. Edmund keeps standing in the doorway and thinks about his life and the choices he's made, what they've come to mean.

Edmund knows one thing for certain: He is happy with Caspian.  
But then what the hell is this strange feeling settling around his heart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ἀρρωστία / Arrostia  
> (n., fem.) a weakness, sickness  
> can be used figuratively, of a moral weakness
> 
> The book Edmund is reading is Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier


	4. ἐνύπνιον

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter yet and only one more to go!
> 
> Please enjoy!

“I tried to love you less. I couldn't.”  
\- Simone de Beauvoir, The Mandarins

Edmund opens his eyes, flat light falls through the curtains. Next to him Caspian sleeps unperturbed and deeply, they still got hours and hours until they need to awaken. Edmund sighs and gets up.  
Soon he finds himself at the kitchen table, a too hot tea in front of him. Edmund's graduation had been a week ago. Next month he'll start working full time at Lewis' & Partners.  
Caspian had wanted to use that free time for a big road trip through North America but he couldn't arrange it with his own schedule. Edmund had been mildly disappointed.  
"You should still go." He avered. "It's always been me going on work trips for weeks on end. Now, I get to feel what that's like myself."  
"Sounds like you wanna get rid of me."  
Caspian laughed. "That couldn't be further from the truth, but I've made a trip like that after college, too. It was one of the best experiences of my life."  
"I don't know... " Edmund said unsure.  
"Why not? You've lived like an ascetic these last years, you earned it. Ask Aravis and Cor, maybe they'd like to come along."  
And they would like to but couldn't since they already promised their parents to go home during that time. They'd spend the first two weeks at Aravis' in Dallas and the other two in Seattle with Cor's family.  
So now Edmund sits at the kitchen table at five in the morning and finally decides to go. Alone. Whatever.  
It will probably do him good. Having time for himself and his thoughts and feelings... Urgh. But it needs to be done, he knows that well enough. If he ever wants to have a good night’s sleep again, if he wants to get over this and finally understand all the things that happened, then he needs to get back to the beginning, to the root of his and Peter's story.

Caspian gifts him a black Chevy truck that has already seen his best days.  
"For your graduation." He says, hands massaging Edmund's shoulders as he lays eyes upon the vehicle.  
"Don't even start.” He interrupts Edmund before he can say a word of protest. “It wasn't that expensive. The salesman assured me it will easily make a long trip. Once you're back, though, we might as well sell it again. I just thought its better than you having to hitch-hike or book a tour with a bus company, I know how you detest those."  
They do a test drive around the block and two days later Edmund is on the road.

His first stop is Providence, Massachusetts. The myriad of Victorian houses lining the streets all look like miniature versions of the professor's mansion. It's fitting, he guesses.  
Edmund gets to a shaded park, unwraps the sandwiches he had bought and watches some kids over on the jungle gym.  
If he thinks back to that time during the war the most prominent thing coming to his mind was the verbal fighting. God, their never ending fights. It had been the worst between Peter and him. Endless, tiresome quarrels.  
Lucy had always been keen to avoid any arguments and simply tolerated a great deal of his snide remarks and cruel jokes.  
Susan had probably thought herself too grown up to fight with her little brother, consequently she had mostly overlooked his awful behaviour and left his pranks unacknowledged.  
Only Peter had stood up to him. Time and time again. Relentless, unwavering.  
Had that been a precedent for his later feelings? Had the root for their intensity been laid there? Because Peter didn't ignore him, didn't overlook his antics with the laissez-faire attitude of adults? Did he fall in love with Peter because he had seen in him his true match, his one equal?  
Not likely, Edmund concludes.  
He had hated Peter then, really hated him. Saw in him every cause for his own short comings and misery.  
"Hated him." Edmund whispers to himself and snorts. That 'hate' had been nothing but a little child's illusion of grandeur, had been nothing compared to the self-hatred he would learn to direct at himself in the following weeks, months, years. And even then he had been only able to let go of it because of Peter. But that came later.  
In conclusion before they ever went to Narnia there had been no shred of a flowering love, even the soil was sour and unlikely to grow anything but resentment and animosity.

His next stop is New York City, New York.  
Apart from trips to the airport and the occasional concert he had not been too often in the Big Apple. Edmund is kinda excited to have the time to explore its famous streets.  
'It's too big. It's way too big!' Edmund thinks helplessly. It's dark outside and he's looking into windows and displays to find a place to eat dinner but everything's packed and he doesn't want to occupy a whole table by himself. He trudges on and wishes Peter were there. His big brother had never any qualms to claim space for himself. Of course he was always considerate and polite but the idea of making himself smaller than he is would never even occur to him.  
There is a famous saying by some German novelist and Edmund isn't quite sure how it goes anymore but it's something like 'walking on a field and not a soul in sight, one is completely alone but in a city with 250,000 strangers, that is a loneliness you feel nowhere else'. Except Edmund doesn't feel lonely. He feels lost. As lost as he had been in Narnia in the beginning.  
"Try not to wander off again." Peter had said and drew a smile from Edmund's lips that none of Aslan's words had been capable of.  
"We'll do this one day at a time, okay?" Peter had said every time Edmund's conviction had faltered and he had doubted his place and worth. He had clapped him on the back and gave him a reassuring smile.  
Sometimes Edmund had begun to wonder then already how it could be that Peter always knew the right words, always knew when Edmund seemed to struggle. That's also when Edmund vowed to become stronger, to become someone worthy of being called High King Peter's brother.  
Nevertheless, there hadn't been any romantic feelings passing through him and towards Peter. Well, he had still been young then.

With the blur of Pennsylvania, Virginia, Carolina, Georgia come also split second memories. Tiny moments strewn over many years.  
All the times the two of them rode out on their horses, animating them to go faster and faster and then spending the nights outdoors. A cackling fire warming their feet, their tummies filled with the game they had caught earlier and faces turned upwards to marvel at the adornment of the universe.  
Then all the more often times where they were 'held hostage' in council meetings and Edmund would be so unimpressed with everything and everyone that he couldn't help but make a snarky comment. Resulting in Lucy quickly stifling her giggle with a sip from her water glass and Susan giving him a reproving stare, though still unable to conceal the quick pull in the corner of her lip, Peter would hold a fist in front of his mouth but look at Edmund with unconcealed mirth and gratefulness for making such tedious meetings that much more bearable.  
There had been their chess games which could take up to a week because either of them would take all the time in the world for their next move, the other sitting across them and taunting them mercilessly. The biggest fun being to get into the other's head.  
There were all these pranks they played on each other or on their sisters, which always ended with them running away in glee, and a thousand, thousand other moments that made them grow close and happy whenever they were in each other's presence.  
But for the life of him Edmund could not tell if he had been already in love with Peter then or if all that there had been was brotherly affection. Honestly, he leaned towards the second option.

However, he also remembered one scene rather clearly. The day the giants declared war on them. Edmund had immediately begun to come up with strategies, then Peter ordered Susan and him to stay put. Of course Edmund wanted to protest but he was old enough by then to know not to contest the command of his High King. He was sure his face disclosed his disappointment obviously enough anyway.  
Instead of helping with the preparations, as was his duty, he went down to the sea and didn't try to avoid being drenched by the incoming downpour. That evening, after having taken a bath and changing into dry garments, he curled up on the rug in front of his bedroom's fireplace. He was moping. So what.  
At some point Peter entered with a knock but as Edmund didn't acknowledge him in any way, he simply came over to sit down with him. Peter worked a hand under Edmund's shirt and began to scratch his back. He remembers being somewhat surprised by that as Peter hadn't even attempted to do something like that in years. But it felt nice, so Edmund curved his back further towards him.  
"You do understand why I need you here, don't you?" Peter had asked then.  
"Sure." Edmund had conceded, a bit petty perhaps.  
"The Calormenes have been a little too interested in the going ons of our kingdom." He explained gravely.  
"Aren't they just interested in Susan's going ons? Isn't that why they invited us in the first place?"  
"Either way. It worries me." Peter said, momentarily his hand stopped. "And by the way? I think you two should take them up on that invitation."  
"Seriously?" Edmund shot out and turned around on his back, exposing his stomach due to Peter's lingering hand. Edmund saw Peter's eyes wander down to his bared skin, then he pulled his hand away.  
"I'd rather have you keep an eye on them in their own land than them coming to check on ours." He concluded, rasping quietly.  
"I see." Edmund had murmured, pulling his shirt in his place again and wondering why his cheeks felt so glowing hot.

When he's in Alabama, meandering through a forest of soft greens and ochre shadows, he remembers one significant moment.  
Edmund couldn't have been seventeen, yet. It had been an unbearably stuffy day so far, everyone of the court's dogs had a hard time not to let their tongues loll out in front of the Anvardian dignitaries and their families, who had arrived two days ago. The peoples had not had enough time to warm up to each other, yet. It was so hot that even Edmund pulled at his collar from time to time to let a small breeze rush under his clothes. Peter had it the worst though.  
While Susan and Lucy took completely to entertaining the guests and Edmund was occupied with his paperwork duties this month, did Peter have to alternate between receiving foreign court members as well as his own.  
Edmund had walked along a deserted corridor, on his way to the study, intently reading a trade agreement when suddenly a figure ran past him, seizing his hand and pulling him behind a wall rug.  
"Wha- ?"  
"Let's get out of here!" His brother had said.  
"What are you talking about? I have a mountain of work to do and shouldn't you be- "  
"I can't stay inside, anymore." Peter had complained, interrupting Edmund. "It's too hot."  
"It's certainly rather humid, but- "  
"Come on, I can't concentrate like this anyway. I need a break." He had pleaded.  
"If it's a respite you need, go take a walk in the gardens." Edmund had said sternly. Peter had huffed.  
"Can't. Our sisters and guests are out there." And he had peeked out behind the hanging carpet for any bystanders.  
"Just join them? I'm sure they'd lo- " Suddenly Peter had stepped out back into the hall, still pulling Edmund behind him.  
"Hey!" Edmund had protested and Peter had turned around to him once more.  
"You're too disciplined!" Peter had said. "I can tell you could use a break just as much as me. Half an hour tops, okay?" He had asked. Edmund had glared annoyed.  
"You know, I don't believe there even is such a thing as 'too disciplined'." He had said but let himself be pulled along by his laughing brother.  
They ended up taking one of the hidden escape tunnels that led them out on a forest clearing, near enough to the cliffs that they could dimly hear the sea and its birds. They wandered along a bit, talking about nothing, letting the occasional breeze and shady forest cool down their bodies.  
As the mid hour waned and they became a bit more comfortable, Edmund sat down in front of a tree stock that Peter was climbing.  
"We should really plant a few of these apple trees near Cair, much more convenient." He grunted somewhere above Edmund. Suddenly there was a loud crack and before Edmund could even shield himself much less try to locate Peter's position, did the High King already land back on the ground with his ass.  
He looked at Edmund perplexed. Then both erupted in laughter until the tears came to their eyes.  
"You're lucky none of the others saw that." He giggled, legs outstretched contently and wiping away at his eyes. "High King Peter the magnificent, Lord of the falling asses."  
He still laughed when all of a sudden a weight landed in his lap. Peter had laid his head there, face turned towards the forest, eyes closed.  
"I'm sorry." He murmured. "But just for a little while."  
Rigid a second ago, Edmund now relaxed again. His hand automatically finding Peter's head, gently massaging his scalp.  
"You shouldn't push yourself so hard." He said but Peter only mumbled something incomprehensible and fell fast asleep.  
Edmund remembers feeling painfully fond of his brother in that moment and a quiet wish to be able to comfort him more often like this. To be more than just a fellow knight and ruler, more than just a brother. It had confused him a bit this wish that he couldn't really understand nor explain but he felt it deeply.

In Texas he visits a bookshop that's known for their assortment of law books. Edmund had wished to see it for the longest time. He plans enough time for really digging through the sections and since it's the middle of a weekday, there aren't too many people around. For the next hour he lets himself get lost into a number of volumes.  
Then he hears a somewhat coy giggle and when he looks up he sees a girl leaning on a shelf and a boy standing in front of her. They're obviously flirting. Edmund already wants to turn his eyes away, no wish to pry when he observes the girl give a playful twitch of her eyebrow before turning around and reaching for the top row. She's too small. Shaking his head with an exasperated grin the boy steadies one hand on the small of her back and picks the book up instead. She digs him playfully into the ribs when he offers her the book with a bow and they walk off.  
There hadn't been that many furtive smiles and neither of them had been so awkwardly flirtatious but even Edmund and Peter had found themselves in such a situation once.  
Edmund had stood in Cair's library, his head held sideways, a finger jumping the spines, to make out the titles when suddenly Peter's chin had landed on his shoulder.  
"What are you looking for?" He had asked, his own eyes scanning the assortment.  
"One of King Frank's diaries depicting his friendship with Bulbasa, the giantess." He answered absent-mindedly. "You?"  
"Cartographies." Peter replied and slipped a rolled up document out of the shelf, unrolled it, inspected it for a moment, put it back and took out another.  
"I believe they usually store the personal letters and documents at the top." He said helpfully as Edmund crouched in search of his desired document.  
"Oh." He said and indeed he immediately spotted a couple of green leather bound books. He reached up. Made his arm long. Got up on his tip toes. Willed for Peter to not say a word.  
"You're short." Peter commented, looking him slowly up and down. Edmund grumbled annoyed. "Maybe, I'm lucky and they talked all the time on how to become taller instead of making peace treaties."  
"I just hadn't noticed before." Peter said, supporting a hand on Edmund's back and reaching for a couple of the later diaries. "You're really done growing already, huh?" He remarked as Edmund snapped the books out of his hand.  
"You- !" He started but Peter cut him off by saying "Or not." And looking at Edmund's noticeable bulge.  
It hadn't been a full on erection even. Just- Just barely showing. Yes, okay, he had been hard and he had been aware, too, no need for his brother to point it out!  
He was embarrassed to death and knew how beet red his cheeks must flush. There was nothing he could possibly say, so he just pressed the book into his lap.  
"Hey." Peter said, unexpectedly gentle. "It's okay. I've been there, too. This phase will pass before you know it." His voice reassuring and already turning back to the maps. Edmund fled the room as discreetly as possible.

How easy of Peter to say this was an ordinary occurrence! He didn't know, though. He didn't know! Edmund thought feverishly, closing his bedroom door behind him.  
Because his erection really hadn't just come out of nowhere. True, lately such a state would befall his body more frequently but never without a stimulus, be it an accidental friction or the split second of an inappropriate thought. These things don't just happen! He thought dismally, a hand cupping himself, he slid down onto the floor. The diaries forgotten next to him.  
Edmund knew it was weird to be stirred in such a way by his brother but he was in that unpredictable stage of his growth so he really shouldn't be held accountable, anyway. It was just... the arm stretching upwards had caught Edmund's attention first. It was summer and Peter had worn something short sleeved that bunched around his shoulder as he lifted his arm, revealing the outline of defined muscles.  
'He could hold me down so easily.' Edmund had marvelled before he could stop himself, then Peter's hand landed on Edmund's hip, putting pressure on it, touching it just so that it made a lightning shoot straight to his nether region and as if that hadn't been enough Peter unintentionally blew out a gust of breath directly into his ear as and just like that... Edmund stood to attention. Still did, since he already opened his pants and teased himself.  
'I'll just think of someone else, of a stranger.' He thought. But he hadn't thought of anyone but Peter. Not that time and not any of the many ones after that. He merely refrained from analysing this from that point on.

A summer storm is brewing up while he drives through Kansas and he really can't be bothered to drive in such a downpour. He parks at a diner instead. There are a bunch of families inside already and all of the kids seem to be drinking hot chocolate.  
Ever since Jadis he had usually avoided it but one night, a night he couldn't fall asleep try as he might, he got up to brew himself some.  
Susan and him would sail for Calormen tomorrow. But that wasn't what left him restless. No, tomorrow he and Susan would depart and the day after that so would Peter and Lucy. Only in the opposite direction.  
He sighed. Somehow, he couldn't shake the feeling that Peter had arranged it specifically like that, as if he knew how hard it would be for Edmund to watch his brother march to war, so he had him shipped off earlier.  
Suddenly a forehead landed heavily between his shoulder blades, an unruly mop of blonde hair appearing in Edmund's sight as he looks around startled.  
"What are you doing?" Peter said sleep-drowsy, a bit irritated.  
"Some hot chocolate." Edmund simply answered, breaking up a bar of chocolate and stirring it into the milk.  
"It's the middle of the night." Peter pointed out dismayed.  
"Why are you up then?"  
"Because that little fawn boy who started as a guard in training today woke me up saying a poltergeist looking like the King Edmund was rummaging around in the kitchen."  
Edmund chuckled at that, Peter unable to help himself, joined in. He still didn't move away. Edmund really, really wouldn't mind if Peter put his arms around his middle and held him.  
But he only lifted his head, yawned and stretched.  
"There some left for me, too?" He asked.  
"Sure." Edmund replied and Peter got them a couple of mugs.  
Edmund doesn't remember much of what they said, sitting on kitchen stools and occasionally nudging each other's feet. Peter tried to be funny at first, light-hearted. As usual he could guess what was on his little brother's mind and so he soon gave up the cheery falsetto and after a minute of sober silence - Edmund thoughtfully observing his remaining chocolate, Peter thoughtfully observing Edmund- he reached out a hand and asked for Edmund's.  
Mistrustful, Edmund raised an eyebrow but slowly let his hand fall in Peter's. Peter held it with his own two and raised them to his lips.  
"I promise I'll come back to you."  
"Swear it." Edmund said instantly. Peter opened one eye, smiled, but did as he was told.  
"I, High King Peter- "  
"The magnificent and Lord of the falling asses."  
Peter grinned amused but kept his eyes closed.  
"The magnificent lord of the falling asses, swear to you that I will return- "  
"Unharmed." Edmund threw in but Peter made a grimace saying that that would be a vow he'd unlikely be able to uphold.  
"Alive and in one piece." Edmund rephrased and Peter nodded like that sounded much more manageable.  
"I swear that I'll come back to you alive and in one piece. Should I fail to uphold this I shall forever- "  
"Regret it." Edmund said warningly.  
"I thought more along the lines of taking over your paperwork duties for a year but I guess your version leaves more possibilities." Peter acquiesced.  
"I swear it on my honour as a Narnian Knight and all the love for our Just King Edmund." He ended, opened his eyes and held onto Edmund's hand.

In Colorado he passes giant boulders and stone quarries, wondering how scary it would be to have something like that flung at you on a scale of 1 to 10.  
While they had been in Calormen there hadn't been nearly enough reports brought to them, they also were not nearly detailed enough. Not for Edmund's taste anyhow. He could understand the precautions being taken as they could never be entirely sure their correspondence wouldn't get intercepted but receiving news consisting only of:

'The campaign continues. High King Peter and Queen Lucy are alive and well.'

Just wasn't- it wasn't enough. Edmund felt close to fainting the first time the report stopped after saying 'are alive.'  
Had they been hurt? Were they conscious? The messenger crow could not give them details as he had been dispatched directly from Cair Paravel and had never even been near the battle field. It had been the most gruesome task to go back to the royalty’s court and keep smiling.  
Then Rabadash became serious about Susan and neither letter nor ship was allowed to leave the borders of the Calormene Empire. Three weeks later Lucy arrived.  
"Peter send me as soon as as the first week passed without a notice from you." She explained in a hushed whisper after they had retreated to her chamber.  
"I told him he was being a bit rash but he was so furious and said there was no way Edmund wouldn't dispatch a letter unless someone was hindering him. He was that close to coming here himself."  
"Our brother has a good instinct." Susan said.  
"And a terrible temper." Edmund added. Secretly, though, he was glad.  
The three soon came up with a plan of escape and pulled it off successfully in a fortnight. As soon as they were on board Edmund send off a pigeon with a simple message.

'We're okay. You better be, too.'

Once they'd been back at Cair Lucy already began preparations to leave the next morning for the north. Edmund could scarcely keep himself from pleading to be let along.  
It was impossible, anyway. He knew that well enough. The possibility of the Calormenes knocking on their front door was too imminent, at least one monarch had to remain behind to open up. For the world he would not subject Susan to that and between him and Lucy the choice was obvious.  
So the next day he watched his sisters ride off. It would be another, thankfully quiet, month before he'd see them again. Two more until Peter would return to him.  
Edmund had been riding out that morning and when he turned the slope and came in view of a big commotion his heart jumped in his chest. He didn't have to ask Philip to hurry.  
There hadn't been any announcement that the army would be returning so soon, he thought. What could this mean? He ran from the stables right into the courtyard but he didn't even know where to look first, things were way too chaotic. Then his eyes fell on the captain of the infantry.  
"The High King- " He asked breathlessly, Orion bowed gracefully.  
"I haven't seen his majesty since our arrival, your highness."  
"Ed?" Susan called out to him, she was walking down the stairs, a big bulge of linen in her arms. "He's in the infirmary."  
Edmund ran.

'Let him be all right, let him be all right, let him be all right.' He begged and pushed through the door. Despite what he had expected it wasn't half as frantic and uncoordinated in here as it had been outside. No pitiful moaning or an abundance of blood soaked bandages. Naturally, though. Lucy would have cured the gravely injured with her cordial. There were only minor wounds being treated here.  
A badger nurse noticed him and smiled genially.  
"Are you in search of your brother, your majesty? We've send him up to his chambers for recovery."  
"Oh." Edmund said dumbly.  
"He's quite all right, merely exhausted from the long journey." Edmund gave her a grateful little smile before making his way upstairs, this time much more leisurely.  
'He was okay. Thank the lion, he was okay.'

Edmund opened the door with a short knock.  
"Peter- !" His brother sat on the edge of his bed, a big cluster of bandages around his torso, he looked a bit startled at Edmund, who was shocked into a standstill.  
"They said you were all right!" He shot out, hurrying over to Peter's side. "They said- !" But he couldn't keep talking, tears had welled up and he was so taken aback by that that he turned his face away.  
"I am fine." Peter assured, grabbing Edmund's hand. "It's nothing big. Just a small cut." Edmund's eyes were red rimmed as he gave him an accusing look.  
"All right, maybe it's a bit more than a 'small' cut. Medium perhaps. I kept my vow, though, didn't I?"  
Edmund didn't dare say anything, too scared how his voice might come out.  
Peter smiled at him benevolently. His arms, his shoulders, his face, everywhere Edmund could find bruises and abrasions.  
"Is everything okay downstairs?" Peter asked then. "I feel a bit bad staying up here."  
"You look horrible." Edmund said without mercy. "Susan and Lucy are better equipped to deal with these things right now. You should get some rest, you'd only make everyone fuss about you if you go down there now."  
"And we can't have that." He sighed martyred, doing as Edmund had said and slid further up on the bed, settling himself in. Edmund helped him with the covers when he realized Peter wasn't really using his right arm.  
"I'll leave you to it." Edmund excused himself as Peter was appropriately tucked in.  
"Don't." Peter said hastily. "Please, don't go. Sit a bit with me and tell me what's been happening." He asked. Of course Edmund complied, he was about to get a nearby chair when Peter patted the covers on the bed. Reluctantly, Edmund sat down next to his head.  
"It's gonna be a cool scar." Peter said as he noticed Edmund staring at the bandages. "I'll tell my children all about it."  
"Who would ever be crazy enough to marry someone like you and put children into your care."  
"Who indeed." Peter laments woefully. "I guess you'll just have to stay with me forever then." And he pressed a tired smile to Edmund's thigh. It didn't take him three minutes before he slumbered off. Edmund stayed regardless.

Utah. He was almost halfway done with his road trip now, the same goes for his and Peter's story. There was only one more evening in Narnia left. The night that changed everything.  
By now it had become clear to him that there was no way for him to pinpoint when exactly he had fallen in love. It had happened gradually, forcefully, inevitably. But he couldn't even remember now when he had admitted these feelings to himself. Maybe it had happened in a similar fashion. One day he had figured 'Oh, that's how it is.' and simply went on with his day. Never intending to do anything about it except live with that knowledge and cherish these feelings.  
Only, he had been young and blind enough to believe it wasn't just one-sided either.  
With all the experience he had accumulated over the years he now knew that all these memories and moments hadn't been small instances of a growing love, at least not for Peter. His brother had never done or said anything with a romantic intention behind it. Edmund had just been too hormonal, too naïve, to see it.  
That was all.  
He knows this is true, especially when he reviews that night of the annual coronation feast. Every year it was a big festivity with hundreds of guests. That particular night Peter had only danced with him.  
It wasn't uncommon in Narnia for partners of the same sex to dance together, with animals it was hard enough to distinguish between male and female with a single glance anyway so the custom of libertine dancing established itself naturally. If there was anything rude to their behaviour it was not asking anyone else to dance. But Peter seemed to have no inclination towards that and Edmund was surely not going to suggest it. On top of that Peter had been drinking quite a bit, Edmund tried to keep up in the beginning but he didn't want to risk having forgotten anything by the time morning came. So, Peter, carefree and joyous as he hadn't been in a long time couldn't help but inspire the same emotions in his fellow Narnians, making them quickly forgive him.  
The whole evening Peter stuck to his side, find Edmund if he had gone off to drink, eat, or chat and drag him back to the dance floor. Edmund had no idea what had gotten into his brother, besides the wine, but his silly, love stricken heart rejoiced every second. He was sure it meant something. Surely, it meant something?

Foolish. Edmund chastises himself. Foolish, foolish, foolish.  
He drives on to Arizona.  
Peter had dragged him outside to the beach while the party was still underway and they had chased each other and horsed around until the sun had completely disappeared and the moon was up high.  
If this wasn't the pure personification of what it felt like to be the kings of the world then Edmund didn't know what was. They could do anything, have anything and yet chose to spend their time dashing through the sands, laughing and celebrating the universe.  
It was only when Peter let himself fall backwards into the dunes and a breeze fluttered through Edmund's clothes, making goosebumps erupt, that he remembered the party.  
"Maybe it's time we ought to head back. I don't want them to worry." He frowned up at the castle.  
"They're not worrying." Peter commented. "They're already asleep. The noise has been getting less and less for some time now."  
"Oh." Edmund simply said because he hadn't paid attention to that at all. He turned his head around and watched Peter dusting himself off.  
"Race to see who gets to their chamber first?"

The Grand Canyon is a sight to behold, that's for sure. One of God's greatest creations, or so it said next to a billboard Edmund had seen earlier by the guide's cabin.  
There are a bunch of people here, mostly families and other little groups and then there is one girl his age, who doesn't seem to belong to anyone. She studies the little notebook in her hand and her surroundings with a scrutinizing eye. She certainly seems to be the kind of person who knows exactly where she wants to go. Someone who won't let herself be tied down by anyone.  
She catches Edmund looking and he quickly averts his gaze and concentrates on filling out the postcards he had bought at the base camp.  
He wonders if he'll ever be free like her, he wonders what that would be like? Being not tied down whatsoever. Not feeling like you belong to anyone. Not that he actually belonged to Peter. Although, he had so desperately wished to and a part of him still does. But there had always been a barrier between them. At first thin and transparent like glass. So close but impenetrable and now? That glass had become thick... foggy. He couldn't see Peter anymore.

Edmund managed to overtake Peter at the last corner, sprinted down the corridor past his own bedroom door and almost crushed into Peter's if not for his last minute skidding halt. But Peter was right behind him and Edmund ended up being slammed into it anyway. He made a pained noise but it didn't really hurt and he laughed triumphantly.  
"I won!"  
Then he became aware that Peter had both his hands braced next to Edmund's face on the door. He wasn't laughing. Slowly he leaned forward and Edmund's heart jumped in his chest. They kissed. Slow and sweet and perfect.  
"You taste like wine." He said, voice a bit hoarse, and in a moment of unexpected bravery he pressed his hand to Peter's crotch.  
For a second Peter didn't react at all but then Edmund heard the doorknob turn and the space behind him opened. Peter's hands found the hem of Edmund's shirt. They stumbled towards the bed while they undressed each other as quickly as the dimness allowed. They didn't kiss on the mouth again but Peter nibbed a lot on his neck and shoulders. Edmund didn't think anything of it.  
Too distracted by the unreality of the situation. When Edmund's calves hit the bed they were both down to their pants and as Edmund's hand landed once more against Peter's erection he felt a thrill working its was from his fingertips, through his arm and all the way down to his toes. He couldn't help but gasp.  
Then Peter's hands cupped his face and because Edmund was scared that Peter would suddenly stop this he sat down and pulled Peter's pants with him. This time it was Peter's turn to release a harsh breath. Faced with Peter's bared cock Edmund became a bit self-conscious, he hadn't any experience in where to go from here but instinctively he put a hand around the shaft. Peter moaned and his right hand cupped Edmund's cheek again, prompting him to look up.  
“Lie down with me?” He asked and Edmund couldn't do anything but nod slowly. Quickly, he shimmied out of his own pants and moved up the bed. Peter, not allowing any further distance between them, moved along until he practically sat astride Edmund. He freed Edmund's own cock then and began to stroke the both of them. The shock of the intense sensation made Edmund's eyes flutter close and his hands fist into the sheets.  
A moment later he felt the ghost of a breath over his mouth and as he opened his eyes again he looked into Peter's smirking face.  
“That good?” He asked and Edmund felt too overwhelmed for a humorous answer so he only threw his head back and grunted out. “Yes, it's- feels- so good, Pete.”  
“Open your legs for me.” He said and Edmund did shakily. Pulled them from under Peter and spread them around his waist. Edmund watched his brother reach to his bedside table and sit back up with a small vial in his hand. He opened it with sure fingers and Edmund, who was breathing hard and felt his body strangely thrumming all over, wondered how Peter could possibly look so composed.  
Then Peter reached down between them and Edmund felt his fingers on his hole. Involuntarily, he lifted his hips a bit to get away from the weird sensation but Peter used his free hand to press him back down.  
“Relax.” He smiled and began to work the first digit in.  
“Pete.” Edmund squirmed. “It feels- it feels so- !“ But he couldn't finish the sentence because suddenly a great shiver ran through his whole body and he could not turn his face fast enough to stifle his cry in a pillow.  
“Feels so what?” Peter asked but not teasing, he stroked that spot inside Edmund relentlessly and the impact it had on his brother didn't leave him unaffected either. He pushed another finger in and when Edmund lifted his hips once more to accommodate him, he pressed Edmund's legs even further until he had him almost bend in half and his ass on a perfect, open display.  
“God, Edmund.” He marvelled, unable to find words for what this sight did to him.  
“More, I- more.” Edmund pleaded and Peter gave him a quick kiss on the back of his thigh before working two more fingers in. By the time he could comfortably thrust four fingers in and out of Edmund, Peter felt almost on the brink to ecstasy himself. He took his hand away and guided Edmund's legs back.  
Breathing laboriously Edmund watched his brother lather himself with the oil and when he seemed ready Edmund automatically spread his legs wider.  
It hurt, it still hurt. But Peter's eyes were closed in pure bliss and Edmund had never witnessed anything as beautiful as that. Peter was still sitting in front of Edmund and fucking him with short thrusts instead of leaning down over him and using the whole space, so Edmund grabbed him around the nape and pulled him forwards. He wanted to kiss him maybe but Peter opened his eyes and looked at Edmund with a self-satisfactory grin before ramming into him with unbridled force. Edmund cried out, his upper body reared up and his arms flew around Peter's neck. Instinctively, Peter grabbed his little brother, too. Entwined in each other, no space allowed between them, they continued making love and littering each other's cheeks and shoulders with little kisses. It was so intimate, so far from anything Edmund had ever felt before, he thought it must be a dream.  
With his dick trapped between their sweltering bodies and Peter pleasuring him from the inside it was not long until Edmund dug his hands deep into Peter's hair and came in a shuddering, shaking mess. Peter took a bit longer and fucked the exhausted Edmund with unrestrained abandon until his own muscles constricted and with an insoluble grip around Edmund's body he came into him.  
They lay still for a moment, heavy on each other, no sound except for their abortive breaths.  
Then with an obscene little sound Peter released himself from Edmund and rolled over. Edmund was still staring at the ceiling trying to comprehend what had just happened, he didn't wish to chase away this afterglow with unnecessary words.  
He was happy. By Aslan, he had never been this happy in his life. He grinned unabashed and looked over to see if Peter sported the same expression. He was asleep. It didn't dissipate Edmund's smile though, Peter had a long day, as well as too much to drink, he could forgive him. He scooted closer to his brother's idly breathing body and snuggled his face into Peter's shoulder. He would have liked to kiss him but he didn't wish to disturb his sleep.  
It occurred to him then that Peter mightn't have tried to kiss him again because Edmund had made that comment earlier about him stinking of wine.  
'I wish we had kissed longer.' Was his last thought before finally drifting off.

When Edmund woke up in the morning Peter wasn't there. Lucy opened the door just as Edmund was about to get up. He must have looked like a deer caught in headlights because she promptly chuckled at him.  
"No need to look so alarmed, Ed. Peter already told me what happened last night."  
"He did?"  
"Oh yeah." She rolled her eyes good naturedly. “You know I would have thought you'd be able to distinguish your own chamber door and Peter's even if you were in a state such as yesterday." She said.  
Lucy thought Edmund had stumbled into the wrong bedroom because he had been drunk... Had Peter not stayed the night? Why hadn't he woken Edmund up?  
"Now come on!" She exclaimed excited. "You won't believe the news this morning!"  
Apparently a mythical white stag had been sighted near the woods. The lore said it would grant whomever caught it a wish and the royal siblings couldn't pass up a chance like that, could they?  
So he quickly walked over to his actual room and got dressed, foregoing breakfast, he was ushered directly outside. Lucy on his heels. He kept an attentive eye out for Peter but he was nowhere to be seen until he almost bumped into him as he entered the stables and Peter was about to leave.  
They both flinched startled but then broke out in tentative smiles as they realized the other.  
"Come on, come on, hurry up!" Lucy shoved Edmund onwards.  
Dimly Edmund had begun to worry but Peter had smiled, so everything must be all right. During the hunt they didn't find a moment to speak in private without arising unwanted suspicion. Edmund understood that, they couldn't even dare look at each other too much because their sisters, like most women, had the uncanny ability to pick up on the subtlest shifts in behaviour. They simply couldn't risk it.  
But once they were back in Cair, he would make sure to steal Peter away so they could continue right where they had left off. Then Lucy saw a lamppost.

He has one postcard left.  
'The Grand Canyon is grand.' He writes. 'I'm thinking about you. I miss you. I love you.'  
He doesn't put in an address.

In California, he digs his feet into the sand. There are a couple of children moulding castles into the sand and he thinks about how some things are inevitable as the flood destroying all their efforts. They might be children but they must know that this would happen. So was it still worth it? All of it?  
He still thought like a man, felt like a man but Edmund's appearance was that of a child once more. Therefore, deep down, he wasn't surprised when he found Peter turning away from him. It was like it had to be.  
He didn't walk over when Peter sat on his bed that night, seemingly waiting for Edmund to enter so they could talk and he could tell him it was a mistake, they had been drunk, Edmund should forget about it. He already knew all this and really, really didn't want Peter to say it out loud.  
He didn't question it and didn't let his smile falter as Peter averted his eyes more and more often. He didn't complain or cry out or clung hysterically to him. Because what use could it be? Any of it. Why burden Peter with something he so obviously regretted. He hadn't been in love with Edmund, he just hadn't been thinking for one small moment. Edmund had been wrong and the fall was inevitable. He was a man, he should be able to take it.

Seattle, Washington.  
He stays with Cor and Aravis at his parents' home and although they had adopted him when he was like twelve, they seem more like a real family than many others Edmund had read about in case files over the years. They go on walks and Aravis teases him about how much he must be missing Caspian. It's like they haven't spent a day apart.  
But Cor had also been offered a job here in Seattle and they haven't decided yet but Ari could potentially find work anywhere, so... in a way this might be the last time the three of them will be together like this.  
They stay up far too late into the night. At some point Aravis drools off on Cor's shoulder, her feet intertwined with Edmund's.  
"You know." Cor says and looks thoughtfully at Edmund. "You look like you've been thinking too much lately."  
Edmund sighs. "I'm trying to figure something out, I guess."  
"And?" He takes a swig of water. "Has all that contemplating helped, yet?"  
"No... I don't know." He replies. "It's something I've been trying to figure out my whole life but... when I finally will, I'm not sure it will help me in any way."  
Because if he really thinks about it what is this endeavour of his supposed to achieve? What is the outcome supposed to tell him? To make clear to him?

Peter and him had hit a rough patch for a while after their return to Finchley but not as ex-lovers, as brothers.  
Of course it was awkward and it was uncomfortable and laden with a weird tension but they were family and that bond was stronger between them than any foolish mistake they committed as megalomaniac young monarchs.  
Gradually, they got over it. Naturally, though, they never quite managed to achieve the same uninhibited familiarity between them that had painted their happiest days in Narnia. Touches were the worst because to some degree both involuntarily thought about what had transpired between them and at the same time being adamant that nothing had.  
It was hard for Edmund because he couldn't help but interpret too much into any lingering touch Peter bestowed upon him and the other way around was even worse because he knew what kind of feelings he was transmitting. He didn't wish to pressure Peter, to make him uncomfortable so he became very, very conscious and careful with their physical interactions. Everything meant too much, yet never, ever enough.  
The years passed and things felt more natural, more like they ought to be between them. Edmund had never been interested in anyone besides his brother but that was all right, he had spent years in Narnia nourishing this one-sided affection so that, too, felt rather natural.  
Then Peter moved away to college, which was fine. Then Susan moved away to college and that was fine, too. Everything just as it was supposed to be.  
Then their parents died and nothing felt normal at all. It changed everything, disrupted any kind of secure illusion Edmund had built. Maybe that's how it had been for Peter, too. Nothing was how it should have been afterwards, everything was shattered.  
Edmund has no idea what had compelled Peter to seek him out the night of Susan's wedding. What he was searching for, what he had hoped to find with Edmund, inside him.  
Maybe he just needed the distraction, the kind of physical abandon they had experienced only once before with each other. Edmund didn't know what Peter's motivation had been but he truly hoped he had been able to give Peter whatever he had needed then. And in a way he believes he must have because although it had been Edmund this time who left their shared bed before the other's awakening, Peter had not averted his eyes a single time in the following days. That, surely, was a good sign.

He has only a couple days left if he wants to be back early enough to spend a few days home before starting his actual adult job. His next stop is Idaho.  
There isn't much left. The first few years in Boston, he supposes. They were still rather vivid to him. The somewhat self enforced isolation, his doomed attempt to let go of Peter. He wondered if it would have been possible to forget him if only Peter hadn't elected to write him. Most probably not, he would have run home after the first few months, not able to live without possessing a single piece of Peter. It had been a terrible moment of distress, as he was about to drift off to sleep and a tiny idea just so happened to pop into his head; what if he would keep thinking of Peter even over in America but Peter himself wouldn't. Not a single thought of Edmund crossing his mind. Out of sight, out of mind. Instinctively, he knew that was irrational but still. Still.  
What a relief it had been when within one month a letter arrived and it had been Peter to reach out this time. What a blessing, what a burden.  
He often sat in his college dorm and wondered if it would perhaps be terrible to imagine Peter by his side? Imagining a conversation between them, just to see if he could still accurately recall the timbre of his voice, the way his dimples showed with a grin. Of course, he knew it was an asinine idea, that it would only intensify this ache.  
He hadn't had a wank once in the first three months. He had been lonely and a bit depressed, all right? Everything was weird and unfamiliar; the food, the measurements, living on his own, the social interactions and even the language itself. It was pretty bad and he just hadn't been in the mood.  
Up to one night where he went to a college party and got fairly drunk. When he stumbled hands first into his bed, he got the brilliant idea to jerk off. Peter had sent him a letter that day in which he had included the story of Atalanta and her lover Hippomenes. Atalanta, abandoned by a father who had wanted a son, had been raised by a she-bear and vowed to always remain a virgin. But when Hippomenes bested her in a race, they got married and did it like everywhere. Even in a temple dedicated to Zeus, they were said to have wanted to offer food to the god but were overcome by their carnal desire.  
The idea kinda tickled him, especially in his inebriated state. So he slipped a hand under his clothes and grasped himself. He moaned, wondering if he had finally grown back into the body Peter had touched all these years ago.  
And the more he explored and tweaked and stroked, his hands stopped being his own hands, the redness of his lips didn't stem from biting them but because another claimed them. And when he reached his orgasm and gave all of himself to it he felt a throbbing inside him that couldn't possibly be there. But he cried out and gripped his own flanks as if they were someone else's.  
When he came down, the tears came up.  
"Fuck." He cried. "Fuckfuckfuck."  
Atalanta's story hadn't been about the old timey Greeks getting their freak on. On the contrary. Upon desecrating the temple with their animalistic desire, Zeus punished them by turning the lovers into lions. The belief of that time was that lions could not mate with one another, only with leopards. Atalanta and Hippomenes would never be able to remain together.

“The last story was depressing.” He wrote in his next letter. “These are love stories shouldn't at least some of them have a happy ending?”  
“Well if you think about it...” Peter replied. “Love is subjected to all kinds of circumstances: disease, changes in the social sphere, geographical distance, and of course death, to name a few. So, love, in its very core, is tragic. However, they do say friendship is the remedy for that. I guess the ultimate relationship would be to combine the two but, as I am sure you have noticed yourself, true love, like real friendship, is rare, incredibly rare.”  
Should Edmund gamble with that? Was that what Peter was insinuating? Should they cling to friendship since love was impossible? Could the familial bond, the love shared between family members be stronger than the one for the lover we choose?  
Edmund doesn't think that there is a difference between the love he holds for Peter, who is his brother and for the Peter, he had had as a lover.  
“But while, as you said, that is depressing and awful- “ Peter's letter continued. “There is also a silver lining. Because to love someone is to love not only their perishable body but their ideas, their knowledge, their nature, in short their soul. And that's why, when we truly love someone, we say I love you with body and soul. It's a promise for eternity, for the soul is immortal.”  
After that Edmund had never again written about the subject of love to Peter. It burned him.

Gradually, things got better then, or easier, or he just got accustomed to them. He had a routine and a life that was nice and not too adventurous and if you asked him he would say "I'm happy." Most of the time.  
Then Caspian turned up and he let him in and slept with him. Or what does slept with him mean, they kissed and Caspian gave him a blowjob. Edmund had enjoyed it, tremendously, he was reasonably sure it was a good thing, as well.  
Until he flew back home and had to master the daunting task of telling Peter about it. He hadn't been afraid that Peter would go off on him about it, that he'd be angry or unaccepting, no, he feared the opposite. That Peter would be fine with it, that he didn't mind at all and was in fact happy that Edmund had found someone else. He didn't know if he could bear to hear these things from Peter's mouth.  
So, naturally, Edmund waited till the last second and when Peter merely responded with 'okay' Edmund wanted to tear his own heart out. He wanted to fall down at Peter's feet, lay his head on his knees and beg like a dog.  
'Forgive me, forgive me. Please, please, forgive me, take me back, let me stay, I'll never leave you again.' Instead all he said was "You should find someone, too."  
But Peter hadn't heard it for the desperate plea that it was. Edmund wanted him to get angry, to grip his arm and force himself on Edmund, to fight for him, to never let anyone else touch him again.  
But Peter only said 'okay' and got out of the car. And why shouldn't he? What did Edmund expect? That Peter fought for something he never wanted in the first place? It was a mistake. When would Edmund finally get that through his skull?  
Peter had looked for comfort, when he fell asleep on his lap, when he clung to his leg after the giant battle. King Lune had proposed an alliance through marriage between Peter and one of his daughters the evening before the coronation party, and he had stuck to Edmund because he needed time to think and didn't want to raise anyone's expectation yet by dancing with them. Peter had looked for comfort every time and Edmund had mistaken it for love.

Minnesota, four more days and he'd return to Caspian. Like he did two years ago when he stepped off the plane and into the arms of someone he didn't truly want. Not then, anyway. But he learned to and it was easy to want Caspian. He is an incredibly kind and passionate man. They fit together 'disgustingly well' as Aravis herself had proclaimed.  
"I think it's rare to find something like this when you're still so young." Cor had said and Edmund had felt rather proud of how well he and Caspian made their relationship work. And he had fallen in love and he does love Caspian, he knows it and Edmund knows it, too. This, their life, it was all Edmund had ever wanted, it could have gone on like this forever. But then Peter had to turn up again. Edmund had been happy to see his brother. Truly, he had been. His family got along with his make-shift family and everything was great.  
"Don't they approve of Caspian?" Aravis asked him one evening out, while they got the drinks for everyone. "It's okay, you can tell me. I promise I won't meddle." She said at his confused stare.  
"I'm... no, I'm just wondering where you got that idea?"  
"I don't know, it's like did they threaten to beat him up if you don't look constantly happy? Is that why you're monopolizing him like that? I don't think I've ever seen you this touchy and handsy with him."  
"Oh, really? I hadn't noticed."  
That wasn't true, though. He knew exactly what he was doing. Even if he didn't want to delve too deep into the reasons for why he was doing it. As long as Caspian didn't notice, what harm could there be? Everything would be fine again once Peter and the other's would fly back home. 

Oh yeah, Peter would return home, all right. Home to his fiancée.  
That evening as Edmund closed the bedroom door behind him and saw Caspian undressing for bed, he slithered up behind him and slipped a hand into Caspian's pants.  
Caspian jumped a bit at the sudden attack and his hand gripped Edmund's wrist automatically. Not too hard, though.  
"Not that I'm complaining." He said with a little moan. "But didn't you say strictly no sex while your siblings are here?"  
"They'll be gone tomorrow."  
"Yea- Ah. But right now they're still here. In fact your brother isn't two feet away because that is a thin wall."  
"You better keep quiet then." Edmund dared him, slipped the hand away, coaxed Caspian around and sealed their mouths together.  
Edmund pulled his shirt over his head and pushed Caspian backwards onto the bed. The jolt banged the bed against the wall and Caspian's eyes widened in alarmed mischief. However, Edmund did not care about it and instead continued to get rid of the rest of his clothes. Completely naked he climbed on the covers and straddled Caspian. He marvelled at him and if he was surprised by Edmund's promiscuity he didn't show it. Edmund opened Caspian's fly and freed his dick, leisurely he began to jerk him off. Caspian threw his head back and breathed out quiet grunts.  
“Reach over and get the lube.” Edmund said and while Caspian scrambled for it, he rubbed both their cocks together. He moaned. Loud.  
“Shit, Edmund.” Caspian said, much quieter and passed the lubricant on.  
Edmund only gave him a lewd grin before popping the cap and going to work. He left their dicks in Caspian's capable hands. It was quite a show Edmund made of himself, inserting two fingers immediately and instead of thrusting them in and out, he moved his hips up and down onto them. All during his preparation he continued to make needy little sounds and drawn out moans of pleasure. Anyone close by would be able to discern immediately what was going on.  
When Edmund finally had enough of straining his own wrist, he slapped Caspian's hands away from their cocks and inserted Caspian's into him. Both of them groaned out, though Edmund wildly outdid any noise Caspian was making.  
Caspian did not seem in any way bewildered by Edmund's actions, if anything he seemed to be amused by it, maybe even flattered. But Edmund did not care, he just wanted to go faster, get it inside him deeper, make it hurt harder.  
“Edmund, you gotta- God, you're too- too loud- slow down.” Caspian said without real conviction and anyway Edmund didn't care. He didn't care.  
What was it to him if Peter heard them? If Peter knew what they were doing? If Peter got engaged?  
“Fuck!” Edmund yelled out and came.

Peter shot Edmund a knowing, little smile over breakfast the next morning, which wasn't calculating or indignant or reproving in the slightest. He looked amused if anything, like he understood it because he'd been separated from his fiancée for two weeks, as well. It pissed Edmund the hell off.  
But it was gonna be okay, as soon as Peter would leave everything would return to normal. If only he hadn't come, if only he had stayed in England. He had stopped writing letters, couldn't he have made up some excuse not to have come here, either? Couldn't he just let Edmund be? Could Edmund himself not just fucking get over him already? God dammit.  
Edmund realizes then that he had tried to replace Peter with Caspian and he had even managed to convince himself. He really had. Almost. If only Peter had never come back. But now? How could these two years he had spent with Caspian ever weigh up the years Edmund had spent with Peter in Narnia? How could this ever compare? What the hell can he do now?

Edmund turns the car to park and turns the ignition off. There are lights on in the fifth floor and he is home. He unbuckles the seatbelt, takes his hands off the steering wheel but doesn't get out.  
So what was the conclusion? What had he discovered? Did he learn anything new at all? Understood something?  
He breathes out until there's hardly any air left in his lungs, then he grabs the backpack from the shotgun seat. Before he pulls it over his eyes land on the postcard in the side pocket. He heaves the bag on his lap and the card out of the holster.  
'The Grand Canyon is grand- '  
"Fuck." He mutters, pushes it inside the bag and swears to burn it the next chance he gets. Then, finally, he gets out.

Life goes on in its accustomed manner. Well somewhat at least. Cor and Aravis have now definitely decided to move to Seattle. Cor's new employer had given them one month to pack and arrange everything. Edmund had thought that would mean they'd still have a whole 30 days together but the two constantly move between the places. They look at apartments and Aravis attends interviews since she now had to go through the application process all from the beginning again.  
And having a full time job is rather demanding for Edmund himself, as well. He likes it though. Being busy, doing challenging and important stuff that leaves him sometimes dead tired at the end of the day. Less time and energy to waste on futile thoughts.  
Caspian and him are... well, they're fine. As usual after a longer separation between them Caspian is rather clingy and needy. For the first time Edmund feels smothered by it, rather than cherished and comforted. The first night when he wards Caspian's obvious intentions off he blames it on being exhausted by the drive, the next few days he uses his apprehension of finally starting work as a pretext. But Caspian realizes something is up, something is different.  
They always have exhaustive reunion sex but this time Edmund can hardly be bothered to sit with him on the couch. When they finally do make love Edmund looks like he'd rather be anywhere else in the world. Caspian tries not to feel hurt and lets it sit for another week.

"I know we never made rules about this, so it's okay, you can tell me."  
"What are you talking about?"  
Caspian levels him with a stare, Provokingly, Edmund raises his eyebrows like 'What?'  
"Did you meet someone?"  
Edmund laughs with a malicious tint to his voice.  
"Are you seriously asking me right now if I cheated on you?"  
"And?" Caspian asks spiteful. "Have you?"  
Edmund turns his back to him and walks out of the door.  
When he comes back later that night he finds Caspian sitting on the edge of their bed. Looking like a kicked dog. Edmund leans onto the doorway and they regard each other without saying a word.  
"I'm sorry." He says then to the floor. "I don't know what's gotten into me, either. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry."  
Caspian's face falls to a softer edge but he still looks beaten.  
"Talk to me." He says. "Tell me what's happening."  
"I can't tell you because I don't know." He declares helplessly. "I don't- I don't know."  
"If you've been with someone else then- "  
"No!" Edmund says, pushing himself away from the door and sits down next to Caspian. "I didn't cheat on you. I would never do that."  
Caspian lets out a shaky breath he seemed to have been holding for a long while.  
"Then what is it? What changed?"  
"I love you. You know, I do." He says sincerely but instead of invoking a feeling of reassurance, panic flares up in Caspian's eyes.  
"Will asked about me." Edmund 'confesses'.  
Caspian makes a hurt noise and then clutches Edmund's face, kissing him hard. Edmund is startled but lets Caspian do as he pleases. When he lets go of him again, there are tears sitting in the corners of his eyes.  
"You want to go back to him." Yes. Edmund screams internally. Yes, god, yes, I do.  
But he shakes his head. Caspian makes a choked up sound and presses their bodies together.  
Yes, he does want to go back to Peter but to the Peter he had had in Narnia. He wanted to go back to the time before everything got messed up but that was impossible, so he might as well stay, right?  
Peter is too far away now. He might as well stay.  
That night Edmund cradles Caspian until he falls asleep. He feels filthy the whole time.

Things improve again after that. Contrary to what Caspian's needs tell him he gives Edmund a lot more space and isn't half as overbearing anymore. Edmund knows how hard it must be for him. Giving distance when all he craves is closeness.  
And Edmund also knows it can't go on like this much longer. Sooner or later he'll have to make a decision.

Before anyone can stop it the month passes.  
"You guys be good to each other, okay?" Aravis says while they hug. "And try to go out and make some new friends. But don't like them more than me!"  
"I'll try." Edmund laughs.  
"All right, good." She says and loosens their embrace. Edmund can see in her eyes how hard it is for her to let go and he's inexpressibly fond of her for that.  
"I'll see you in two months." She pinches his cheeks and then goes over to say goodbye to Caspian, Cor comes over to him.  
"You take care, all right?" He says and hugs Edmund, too.  
"Only if you will do the same."  
"You've been a great friend and- "  
"Ooookay." Edmund interrupts him. "You're just moving to Seattle, not to the grave."  
Cor laughs shortly but his hand lands heavy on Edmund's shoulder.  
"Listen, I know it's none of my business and I don't want to presuppose anything but I can see that you guys are going through something right now."  
"That's not- "  
"Just- " Cor says over him but not loud enough to alert the other two. "You don't have to tell me what it is but as a rule? If someone is suffering and you have the power to stop it, you have the moral duty not to prolong it any further."  
Edmund can't say anything.  
"You're our friend, we love you and it's far from our minds to judge you but we like Caspian, too."

Edmund watches the road long after Cor and Aravis disappeared from it. Caspian stands next to him the whole time but doesn't reach out once.  
Edmund knows Cor is right, of course he knows that but what could he do? What was there to do except to hold on? Even if it hurt. Especially, if there was a chance that it would eventually stop hurting. But would it? Had it ever up to now? Had there been a single moment since Peter had kissed him that Edmund hadn't been in agonizing pain?

They endure another month like this. Then Edmund comes home from a long, gruelling day at the chancery and finds Caspian waiting for him, a card with a picture of the Grand Canyon in his hand.  
"What is this?" He asks toneless.  
"You're going through my stuff now?"  
"No, but I told you five hundred fucking times to unpack your shit because I needed the bag!" His voice rises in anger. "Now tell me what the fuck this is!"  
Edmund holds the accusing stare for a moment but then turns away defeated.  
"I meant to throw it away."  
He hears Caspian breathe out hard and sees him shake his head resigned.  
"I can't do this anymore, Edmund." He says.  
What do you mean? He wants to ask but doesn't dare to.  
"What is it that you want?" Caspian asks him instead. "Do you want to be with me or not? Because all I want is you but I won't force you to stay with me if you want to be in another's arms. I love you more than I can- I love you more than I ever loved anyone and to let you go would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do but I will. I will do it if that's what you want."  
His eyes are wet again, though no tears fall.  
He's standing there waiting for Edmund to come back to him, to break his heart, to do whatever, if only he'll finally decide. But Edmund doesn't- he can't- he can't open his mouth. But his heart is made up and like a sign the telephone rings.  
Caspian keeps his gaze for a gruelling, long moment before walking past Edmund and picking it up.  
"Yes?" He says tersely. "Yes." Then he turns around and holds the receiver out to Edmund. "It's your brother."

"Peter?" Edmund asks into the phone while Caspian distances himself again.  
"Susan had a car accident, you need to come home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ἐνύπνιον / enypnion  
> (n., neut.) a thing seen in sleep; dream  
> Esp. a dream from the gods
> 
> come visit me at pedmund.tumblr.com! i post fic updates and cry about sibling incest!


	5. τρικυμία

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! And holy shit did I exceed my goal!   
> I want to thank everyone who left kudos and especially seraphicLioness for her encouraging comments during these five months!
> 
> Please enjoy!

'Making love with you is like drinking sea water. The more I drink the thirstier I become, until nothing can slake my thirst but to drink the entire sea.'  
\- Kenneth Rexroth

 

"You sure you got everything you need?" Edmund asks, pulling the bedsheets neat.  
"Yes." Susan answers and doesn't look away from the window as Edmund pushes the bedside table closer to her.  
"You finished the book? Want me to bring you a new one?"  
"No."  
Edmund looks at her for a moment longer.  
"Okay." He sighs. "Okay." Then he grabs his backpack and makes for the door. "I'll see you later, yeah?"  
Susan doesn't answer. Before Edmund can grab the handle, it's already pushed open from the outside. A little cart is moved inside.  
"Someone's hungry!" Lucy announces with a smile. "Oh, Ed, are you leaving?"  
"Yeah, I'll be back later though. How's the little man?" He coos and leans over the cradle to caress the baby. Immediately, his fingers are grabbed.  
"Oh, he's been good. Never a word of complaint." Lucy says and wheels the cart next to Susan's bed. She still doesn't say anything but at least turns around to look at her son.  
"How about you, Su? Need anything for the pain?"  
"I'm fine." She says, not taking her eyes off of the baby while Lucy checks her vitals.  
"All right, here we go." She says and helps Susan unbutton her blouse.  
"I- uh- see you later, guys." Edmund excuses himself.

As he walks down the hospital hall he sees Peter coming towards him.  
"Morning. What's the weather report?" He asks jokingly.  
"Not good." Edmund answers. "I think she went through surgery fine but she's just... it's not a good day."  
"I see. Did the doctors came by, yet? Will they need to operate again?"  
"Well, as Lucy said the fracture in her arm was the worst but that third surgery should ideally have been the last."  
"Let's hope." Peter says. "Where are you off to?"  
"Groceries." Edmund says. "Want anything?"  
"No, but if you'd like I'll give you a ride?"  
"Don't you need to go back to college?"  
"Not really. I was planning on hitting the gym later, though."  
"Oh, then yeah, sure. Thanks."  
"Good." He smiles. "You mind waiting a moment? I want to go check on Susan and the little bean first."  
"No, go do that. I need to go to the bathroom, anyway."  
They move apart but then Edmund turns around once more. "Oh and Pete?" He calls after him. "She's feeding him right now so maybe knock."  
In lieu of an answer Peter gives him a thumbs up.

In the bathroom Edmund looks at himself in the mirror. He's scowling. Is it his imagination or is that his new default expression? He touches his forehead, pulls at his cheeks. Is he developing premature wrinkles?  
He sighs at himself and then wanders outside. Peter isn't back, yet, so he sits down on a bench in the foyer. A couple of swallows fly past a few times. He stares at the people walking by. A kid with a broken leg in a wheelchair, a man with a bandage over his left eye. Two elder women sipping coffee and talking animated.  
Then Peter halts next to him, holds out his hand.  
"Ready?"  
Edmund lets himself be pulled up.

"Did Charles and Laureen come by again?"  
"No, not since the accident. As least as far as I know. I'm not sure Susan would tell us if they did."  
"It's a bit... weird, don't you think?"  
"I guess. I've seen 'em at the cemetery once, though."  
"Did you talk to them?"  
"No, they seemed like they wanted to be left alone."  
"Uh-Huh."  
"Apparently they're going there a lot, though. I check by Andrew every time I visit Mum and Dad and there are always fresh flowers. Looks like they rather visit their dead son than living grandson."  
"The loss of a loved one is always hard." Peter says a bit reproving. "I don't think we ought to judge them. I'm not sure if Susan is too keen on seeing them, anyway." He says as he gets in the car.

"Any job offers worked out, yet?"  
"Not really, most of them only want to employ full-time."  
"Didn't you tell them you only plan to work part-time for a few months?"  
"Of course I did. Went all out on the pity card. That I need to be there for my family. But I'm male so I guess they can't comprehend that or don't trust it or whatever."  
"Stuck up jerks."  
"You should have seen the face of that last guy I went to when I told him I have a younger sister but don't see why she should be the one to step down in her career when it makes much more sense for me to stay at home right now. He looked at me like I was speaking polish backwards."  
Peter laughs.  
"I really hope something's gonna work out soon for you, though."  
"Honestly, I don't really mind it, although, it's shitty that I can't help with the financial stuff but I'd rather have enough time to be there for Su."  
Peter is quiet for a moment.  
"You know, I mentioned Narnia to her the other day."  
"Seriously?" Edmund asks surprised. "How did she react? What did she say?"  
"Nothing. Stared out of the window and pretended not to listen."  
Edmund sighs. "I don't know what's worse."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Lucy told the little One stories of Aslan the other week and Susan got really mad with her. Told her not to impose such ludicrous stories on an unguarded infant."  
"Jeez."  
"Yeah, she looked so cross I almost thought she would get out of bed to force us out of the room."  
"At least, in that case she would actually get up."  
"That's what I was thinking."  
"I wish we knew how to help her."  
"Honestly, I think she'd be okay if only she'd stop acting as if nothing happened. She's trying to bury the reality inside of her and only ends up hurting herself. I mean, she still hasn't named her own child. She gotta know that it can't go on like this forever."  
"I'm just glad she didn't reject him. The only time I see her smile these days is when Lucy lifts the little bean into her arms."  
Peter pulls into a parking space and they get out.

"Did the police call today?" Peter asks him while he inspects the rows of cereal.  
"Not this morning, at least." Edmund answers, checking the due date on a milk carton.  
"Do you think the two will be tried as juveniles?"  
"Can't say for sure. They were drunk, it was a stolen car, they missed the red light. Looks bad for them, either way."  
"What would your judgement be?"  
Edmund huffs, stumped for an answer.   
"I could ask you the same."  
"I didn't study law."  
"You were the High King."  
That makes Peter stop.  
"Hm." He says. "I don't want to ruin their lives but they ruined Susan's, so I can't pretend my sympathy for them is too big. But anyway, you were the Just King, what would you want their punishment to be?"  
"I want them to rot in hell." He says to the macaroni package in his hand, drops it into the shopping cart and walks on.

The line at the check out is unsurprisingly long. Edmund turns to the display of magazines and pulls out a bridal one. Idly, he sifts through it.   
"You're getting married?" Peter jokes over his shoulder. "You'd look great in that one. Fits your skin tone."  
Edmund gives him an unamused look and throws it in with the rest of the groceries.  
"Susan asked me for them."

Once they're outside Peter picks the employment topic back up.  
"Not to be a nagger but you could still go back, couldn't you? I thought this Lewis guy told you he'd keep your position for you until you'd get back."  
"He did and I still think that was incredibly generous of him but I'm not going back."  
"You sure? I thought you got your whole life there?"  
"I called Lewis about two weeks in. My family is here. I'm not going to leave again." Edmund says firmly and stashes the last things in the trunk.  
Peter looks at him pensively for a moment. Then a smile breaks out and he bumps shoulders with him.  
"Well, I for one am happy to have my little brother home."  
"Yeah, but only because I do all your chores!" Playfully he pushes him off.

Edmund notices very well that Peter never outright asks him about Caspian. He didn't tell his siblings that they broke up, not exactly, at least.  
"Caspian wants me to take as much time as I need." Were his exact words.   
But in turn Edmund also never asks about Lilliandil. He had expected to meet her shortly after his arrival but she's gone on an expedition with her father in the Caribbean. As far as Edmund knows she and Peter plan to get married once she's back. Whenever that might be.  
On top of that, and Edmund doesn't want to read anything into it, especially since he only has his own behaviour to judge, but Peter is not exactly what one would call pining away for her to return. Actually, he hardly ever speaks of her. Edmund would like to ask his sisters about that but he isn't sure how to do that without it arousing unwanted attention. Despite his million questions burning to be answered.  
Where did you meet? Did she fall in love with you right on the spot? What about you? When did you tell her that you loved her? Wanted to marry her? Do you kiss her often? Does she look at you the way I do? Do you really, truly, honestly love her?   
And the most silent out of all of them: What about me?

Once they sit inside, their seatbelts buckled in, he glances over to Peter. Edmund wants so desperately to reach out. Wants to look ardently into Peter's eyes as he starts the car, puts on the radio and smiles over to him before driving off. Wants to kiss him, wants Peter to be so crazy about him that he doesn't let Edmund off after a quick peck but instead pulls him by the neck into a real, lingering kiss. To grab that hand and walk with one of Peter's arms slung around him. He wants all these things but all he can do is scowl.   
And he wonders how on earth that alone can be so tiring.

When they get home there is a postcard in the mail. It's a guy in a fedora, smiling a gap-toothed smile. A cigar in one hand and a glass, of what Edmund presumes is Rum, in the other.   
Greetings from Cuba! It says in the upper right corner.  
He turns it around and the first thing he reads is 'My Darling- ' then he looks at the bottom.   
'Love, Lilliandil '  
"You got a postcard, I think." Edmund says and Peter takes it out of his hand with a curious expression. He looks at the picture first but when he turns it around and begins to read his face explodes in a wide grin.   
Peter didn't seem to be pining much at all for her. Hadn't Edmund said that?  
Peter also hasn't smiled this brightly, unabashedly, once in the two months Edmund is back now.  
"She'll be back in a couple of weeks." He announces without looking up.   
"That's... rather vague."  
"She and her father often get delayed or sidetracked, you know? That's why she tends to keeps things flexible and spontaneous."  
Edmund smiles gladly but Peter turns away and walks off without ever even noticing it.

"I'm really curious what you'll think of her, Ed." Lucy muses, pushing the baby wagon merrily along. Susan is better that day, which may stem from the doctor's announcement that there's a good chance she'll be discharged in a fortnight.  
However, her refusal to leave the bed in the last two months helped wonders in letting her muscles deteriorate. Today marks the first time they managed to get her outdoors for longer than ten minutes and without a wheelchair. She walks arm in arm with Edmund. They manage a slow but steady pace. Susan only has to sit down every second bench they pass. At least, she'll be sleeping well tonight.  
"Well, I'm curious about her, too. Though, I don't expect I shall get to know her, too well."  
"Why's that?" Lucy wonders.  
"Will there even be the opportunity?"  
"What are you talking about?" Susan asks now, confused.  
"It's just... none of you ever talk of her? I figured neither of you spend much time with her. Why should it be different for me? Literally, the only thing I know about her is that once Peter and her set a wedding date, they'll be looking for houses and move away."  
"Well... yeah." Lucy agrees unhelpfully.  
"I hadn't realized." Susan adds. "We really don't talk much about her, do we?"  
"I don't even know where they met."  
"At college!" Lucy chimes in. "But you totally have to make her tell you that story!"  
"She's always gone on expeditions with her father, so she has quite the extraordinary education. I believe the only 'proper' job she ever had was something administrative at the university her father is ordained it. That's when they met, too. Uhm, she's my age, very blonde. And I mean very blonde."  
"Unbelievably beautiful and kind."  
"She and Peter make a stunning pair." Susan concludes, steering towards the nearest bench.  
"So she's literally the perfect wife for Peter." He hides his unease under sarcasm.  
"Yes!" Lucy grins, not sarcastically whatsoever.  
"Maybe we haven't really talked about her because we already know her so well, we felt like you would automatically, too." Susan muses.  
"Or it just wasn't in the forefront of our minds right now." Lucy shrugs. "I mean, you've scarcely mentioned Caspian yourself."  
Edmund freezes. "Oh, you know- " He starts.  
"That's right." Susan latches onto Lucy's remark. "How's he?" She smiles. "I hope he's not mad that I've kept you here so long. Is he planning to fly over and carry you off if you don't go back home soon?"  
Lucy giggles and Susan looks at him with good-natured mischief in her eyes.   
This is such a great development. Finally, a moment where Susan was able to concentrate on someone else instead of her own grief and now he had to shatter it.  
"Actually, uh... " He begins. "We... we kinda broke it off?"  
Lucy's face falls.  
"But why?"  
"Just, you know, the distance and the timing and stuff."  
"What do you mean the timing?"  
"We had hit a rough patch just before I came and I mean we haven't really talked since but I rejected Lewis' offer, too, and I don't even plan to go back at this point, so... " He fumbles.  
Lucy looks devastated. Susan's face is stern.  
"I'm sorry, by the way, for not telling you sooner but, yeah, it's uhm... it's over." He finishes. Quickly, Lucy throws a glance to Susan, who still doesn't stir.  
"Well, I'm sorry, too, Ed." Lucy says tentatively.  
"Get me to a telephone." Susan's voice bellows authoritative.  
"Su- " Edmund begins.  
"Right. Now."  
The ordering voice lets Lucy's body stiffen in an impulse to do as demanded but Edmund grabs her elbow to catch her attention.  
"It's better this way." Edmund says intently. "I wasn't happy, anymore."  
Susan gets up a bit shakily, grabs the handle of the baby wagon and gets in motion. Lucy follows her. Edmund stays behind.

The next day he finds a letter in the mail that was stamped in Seattle.  
'We figured this way of communication may actually work since the telephone calls seem to fall flat most of the time. How are you? Are Susan and the baby doing fine? Did she give him a name, yet? How are the rest? Most importantly though, how are you?'  
Then there are a few lines about themselves, their jobs. They recently bought a new dish rack, very exciting stuff.  
'We talked to Caspian. He's even harder to reach than you and he's in the same country. Cor isn't sure if we should even write you this but he hasn't been well. Has appeared a couple times in the papers. Maybe you saw? I don't know if you get them over there. Apparently, he's been on a massive two week bender recently. I know you had to leave quite abruptly and things hadn't been so well between you before but have you two ever actually talked it out? Cor says it's no good leaving something like this just hanging. But again, as neither of you are willing to talk about this, we can only speculate what went down. We hope you and your family are fine, we're looking forward to see you soon.  
P.S.: Has your brother set a wedding date, yet? Flight tickets are cheaper when you buy them early!

He reads the letter twice before folding it and pushing it back in the envelope. He throws it across the table.  
If he's being honest he hasn't been thinking a whole lot about Caspian. Should he feel bad about that? Maybe. Fact is, Edmund's been too preoccupied with Susan, preparing for his QLTT, so he'd even be allowed to practise law in the UK, and ignoring the realization that he's a fucking lunatic moron. He thought he loved Peter too much to ever be parted from him, that his love would be satisfied, even if he could never actually be with him, but as long as Edmund could be in Peter's vicinity. That that would be enough and that the happy and content life in Boston hadn't been. So, now he's here. He's got his wish. Fucking great.  
Did he make a mistake? Leaving Caspian? Was that a mistake? He fears it might just have been.  
He should never have allowed himself to let his thoughts circle around Peter again. He should have concentrated on a way to overcome him once and for all instead of opening himself up this obsession once again, letting it mess up his life. Once again.

On an afternoon a week later Lilliandil is back.  
Edmund finished his class for that day and rides the bus right over to the hospital. He hasn't had any lunch,yet, and vaguely hopes to coax Susan to accompany him to the cafeteria. Passing the day's menu, he still muses on his appetite when he opens the door to her room. He is met with an onslaught of balloons and flowers and other colourful things.  
"Oh, Su, now I seriously feel bad for not having returned immediately. I could have spend all this time with this cute little button!" A woman announces, rubbing her nose onto the giggling baby's. Susan and Lucy smile, too.  
"I'll let you make it up to me by talking him to sleep with stories of your voyages."  
"Agreed." The woman still smiles at the baby and walks over to deposit it in Susan's arms. "What about you, though? Won't they still not let you out?"  
"Only a couple more days." Susan says to her son. "Hopefully."  
"Everything looks good, Susan, so I'm sure it'll work out just fine." Lucy assures her.  
"And for the mean time- !" The woman bodes and turns to one of her bags. "I've got you some presents and souvenirs!"  
Excited, Lucy claps her hands. Edmund takes a few steps forward.  
"Oh, Ed!" Lucy notices him. "Look, Lilliandil is back earlier!"  
Lilliandil, seemingly not surprised in the slightest, stops her searching for the gifts and turns around with a welcoming smile.  
"I figured." Edmund says and holds out his hand. "It's nice to mee- "  
But instead of taking his outstretched hand, Lilliandil hugs him freely. It leaves Edmund motionless.  
"Finally we meet!" She laughs into his ear and lets go again. "Forgive me, if I startled you." She chuckles at his perplexed expression. "But Peter spoke so often of you, I felt like we're friends already."  
"I see." Edmund smiles a bit unsure. "Well, I've heard a lot about you, as well, and I hope we'll manage to become friends for real."  
All three girls smile at him as if they genuinely believe his intentions.  
"Now about the presents!" Again she turns around and this time procures a large box for Lucy, a small velvet one for Susan and an already loose gift for Edmund's nephew. She explains that it is some traditional children's toy from Brazil.  
"And I haven't forgotten you, of course." She says and hands Edmund a heavy present, wrapped in blue paper. "I wasn't sure what to get you since I don't actually know what sort of things you're interested in but I hope you'll like it." She states and waits patiently for Edmund to open it.   
It's a photobook of famous North-American landmarks.  
"Peter told me you went on a big road trip not long ago and I thought this might be a nice way to remember it from time to time."  
Edmund opens it up, the first page shows a picture of the Grand Canyon.  
"Yeah, it's- it's great, it's perfect. Thank you very much." He says earnestly and she smiles relieved.  
"Well then, I don't want to fall on your nerves any longer." She packs her stuff together despite the mild protest of his two sisters. "I want to catch Peter before he drives home. Surprise him!" She says and walks over to Susan's bedside. "Now, let me kiss that handsome little face one last time." She leans over the baby, then hugs Susan as best as possible and saves Lucy for last.  
"It was a real pleasure to finally meet you, Edmund." She says. "Don't worry. I won't hug you again. Peter warned me that physical touch was something I have to accustom you to gradually." She jokes then warbles a last "See you soon!" And closes the door behind her.  
"So, Ed." Lucy grins. "What do you think?"  
"She's blonde." He says. "Seriously blonde."

That night Edmund has been asleep a long time before Peter finally comes home. By the time Edmund wakes up he's gone again. If it weren't for the rumpled sheets he wouldn't be sure if Peter had been home at all. He makes the bed, vacuums the floors, cleans the kitchen counters, hums the whole time and does his damnedest not to think.

Unexpectedly, but all the better, are Susan and the baby being released that very day. It is a bit abrupt. Especially, since Edmund, Lucy and Peter hadn't bothered yet to set up the Nursery. It was to go into their father's old study.   
Peter used it occasionally but he mostly kept all his important research stuff in his office at the college. However, Andrew had stored a couple of his documents there, as well. And since they didn't want Susan to come home to all these reminders they asked her a few weeks ago already what she wanted them to do with Andrew's things.  
"Should we send some of it to his parents? Or give it away maybe?"  
"I don't care. Just throw it out." She had answered without looking at either of them. Lucy threw her a compassionate glance. Peter looked very stern at her. That evening Edmund began to pack all of it into boxes. Peter saw him and began to help.  
"It bugs me." He confessed then. "It really does."  
"That Susan refuses to talk about this, you mean?"  
"Yeah, but not just that. The whole manner she deals with these things. She wants to throw Andrew out of her life just like she did with Narnia."  
Edmund's hands stilled for a second.  
"I mean, I understand that it hurts her and I understand, too, that I can't tell her how to deal with her own grief but this is just... I hope she won't regret it one day."  
Edmund took the tape and closed one box off.  
"Well, right now she may wants to banish all these memories but should the day come that she'll be able to open herself up to them once more, it's our duty as her family to make that possible."  
"Meaning what?" Peter looked at him quizzically.  
"Instead of throwing it away, I thought we ought to store it in the attic." He wrote Andrew's name with a Sharpie on the box. "For now, at least."  
Peter smiled warmly.

It's late afternoon by the time Susan and the baby had their last examination with their attending physician, all the papers are signed and they are officially checked out. Lucy wheels Susan to the car, while Edmund has her overnight bag slung over one shoulder and the baby's head steadied on the other.  
"Is there anything special you'd like to eat today?" Lucy asks as she helps Susan into the car.  
"There's no need. It's not like this is a reason to celebrate."  
"Why not?" Edmund argues, buckling his nephew in. "It's a great thing that you two are finally coming home." And he lightly pinches the baby's nose, who instantly tries to grab his fingers.  
"And if we don't throw something together." Lucy says, pushing the wheelchair away. "Lilliandil is sure to do it."  
"Did she say she'd come by?" Susan asks.  
"Well, not exactly. But I'd be surprised if she didn't."

Just as Lucy had predicted an to Edmund unknown car pulls up hours later in their front yard. Lilliandil and Peter get out.  
'No wonder he told me not to bother picking him up.' Edmund thinks and reads the clock. Lucy's shift is almost over but she won't be home for at least another thirty minutes. Susan and the baby are both upstairs resting. The pot roast is cooking, the potatoes boiling. Everything's good. Everything's fine. He wipes his hands on a dish towel when the front door opens.  
"Susan?" Peter calls. "Ed?" Then someone trips or something falls over and they both giggle.  
"I'm here." Edmund says and turns around to the sauce.  
"Oh, Hey." Peter greets as they come in.  
"Hi, Edmund." Lilliandil waves. "This smells amazing."  
"Where are the other two?" Peter asks.  
"Upstairs. Probably napping." He still won't turn around. He has to concentrate to get the sauce's thickness correct. He can't look at anything else right now.  
"Should we wake them?" Lilliandil proposes with a mischievous undertone.  
"No need." Susan answers as she enters the kitchen. She looks a bit sleep-drowsy but does not allow her voice to show it. "How are you?" She smiles politely at Lilliandil.  
"Oh, just fine. Thank you." She answers.  
"Is Lucy home, yet?" Susan turns to Edmund. "It's almost feeding time."  
"I can help you if you like." Peter offers immediately but Susan gives him a look. "Or maybe Lil should."  
"If you don't mind." Susan acquiesces.  
"Not at all. I'd love to." And like a prearranged signal baby cries are to be heard.  
"Need any help?" Peter offers as soon as the girls are gone.  
"Thanks, I've got it." Edmund replies. Peter sets the table, regardless.

Dinner is a lively affair. Susan, who was at first a bit grumpy after her nap cheers up considerably. Lilliandil entertains them all with her adventure stories. Even Edmund reluctantly has to admit that she is very charming, indeed. She and Peter sit close together, exchanging many touches. Edmund doubts that anyone but him really takes note of that. Even for 'Lil' and Peter it seems to be rather natural and nothing out of the ordinary. Once Peter even picks up Lilliandil's left hand and kisses it. For a small second there Edmund misses Caspian terribly.  
"Say, that ring is new." Susan comments and the love birds throw each other quick, overt glances.  
"Are you- ?" Lucy can't even finish her sentence in excitement.  
"We've finally set a date!" Lilliandil proclaims happily and shows her ring off to be inspected by the girls. "Pete gave it to me yesterday."  
"It's gorgeous!"  
"Where did you even find it, Peter?"  
There are well wishes all around. Then Peter's eyes settle on Edmund.  
"Congratulations." He says, too, and hates himself for not being able to muster a smile.  
Lilliandil nestles close to Peter. He bestows her with a lingering kiss.  
Edmund gets up to clear the dishes.

One month. The wedding will be held in one month.  
"We just can't wait any longer!" Lilliandil had said.  
One month. These words course through Edmund's head all night. In one month's time he will be in love with another woman's husband.  
Edmund lies on his back, one arm draped over his head, a leg sticking out and the covers pushed below his chest. The moon casts silver silhouettes into the room. He looks over to where Peter sleeps. He, too, must feel the humidity. His blanket barely reaches up to cover his waist.  
How warm his back looks from here. How inviting and comforting. Edmund wishes he could press his face there between his shoulder blades. Tiptoe over quickly and drape himself to Peter's back. Use caressing whispers and hushed hands to keep him in his dreams. He wants to fall asleep there at that place by Peter's back. So, that they wouldn't need any blankets at all anymore. So they wouldn't need anything anymore. Just them. Nothing else.  
But instead of waking up to tender eyes and a sleepy smile, Edmund will wake up with nothing. Just him. Nothing else.  
He turns his back to Peter and gradually falls asleep.

The following weeks are a big hustle. At one point Susan finally loses her cast and she only has to go to the physiotherapist twice a week.  
She's not allowed to hold her son without supervision, yet, but she gets stronger and stronger everyday. At least her body doesn't tire out so fast, anymore. However, any mention of Andrew or a name for the baby still make her clam up like an oyster.  
Lilliandil is an unexpected help in that regard. Not only because she has no other family besides her father and therefore relies on Susan and Lucy to go through the wedding preparations with her, consequently, taking Susan's mind off of less pleasant topics, but also because she doesn't let herself be dissuaded by Susan's moods and sometimes harsh comments. Unlike the siblings she is not afraid to step on Susan's toes and make her face reality. Edmund isn't sure if it works but he's grateful, nonetheless. Someone has to get through to her someday. If only so his nephew can be called by something else than 'Bean'.

Then there is something Edmund hasn't expected; to be dragged along. First, it was only for the appointment to try on wedding dresses.  
“It would give me the greatest pleasure!" Lilliandil had clasped his hands.  
"I don't mind coming along. But just for the record? I don't know a thing about dresses."  
"Oh, but that's just it! We girls tend to get stuck on details like what cut it should have, what material is best but with boys it's just: I like it or I don't."  
So he comes along.  
While they are in the shop the girls indeed raid the gowns. Just selecting a couple to try on takes them almost half an hour. Edmund hoists Bean on his waist and together they meander along the large collection. He doesn't even have to say anything when Lilliandil finally parades the first ones. Lucy and Susan shout their opinions with a quick “No!” or “Oh Yes!” They won't really need him after all.  
Then as he is looking at the assortment of ties, he hears the swoosh of the fitting room's curtain but no immediate reaction from his sisters. Curious, he pokes his head around the corner. His jaw falls open.  
"It's beautiful." He breathes and Lilliandil throws a relieved smile his way.  
"Oh yes, it's perfect!" Lucy gushes.  
"Pete's gonna fall in love with you all over again." Susan swoons. They buy it.   
Because it is still afternoon and their moods are elevated they decide to stop at a little café. They sit there for almost two hours and have the most wonderful time.   
“Lilliandil, tell us again how you and Pete met!” Lucy begs at some point.  
“Again?” She laughs.  
“Edmund's never heard it.” She argues.  
“And I am dying to know.” He throws in, more sarcastic than serious.  
“Well, in that case I suppose I have no other choice.” She relents with a smile to him. “Let's see... it's... oh goodness, it was about two years ago now. I had just started working as a secretary in my father's department and I had a couple of unfilled forms that needed to be signed by a certain Prof. Pevensie. They have a system where you just drop of any files in their 'postbox' but he never came to pick them up. You know, I never asked any of the other staff members about him because I didn't want to let on that I couldn't even get a man to sign a slip of paper. Anyway, that kind of led me to believe that he was probably already pretty old and senile? So, me being a bit annoyed by this, because it just made my job unnecessarily complicated, decided to confront him. I planned to ambush him right after one of his classes and I stood there out in the hall and waited and waited, wondering why the students weren't pouring out. So, I slipped in and... was frankly, quite surprised. First of all, none of the students were sitting in the rows. On the contrary, they were all clustered around the big teacher's desk at the end. A young man stood among them, animatedly conversing with them. I had never seen anything... It was like a scene from King Arthur and his Round Table, you know? He wasn't much older than the students he taught but there was this atmosphere around him. It's no wonder no one scrambled to leave after the time was up. It did not matter to them, the only person, who could dismiss them was the King himself. Then he noticed me and figuring that the time was up, he apologized to the students and turned towards me. I have to admit I was still rather taken aback and couldn't help the blush.” She recounts and blushes even now at the memory.  
“He was very polite, asked how he may help me and because I still couldn't believe he was supposed to be it I asked him where to find the Prof. Pevensie. And he laughed at me! But it was such a nice sound that I couldn't be mad. He introduced himself and apologized profusely after I explained my reason for coming. And eh... “ Again her flush intensifies. “I... oh, I thought he was so charming and handsome, I asked him out right then and there!” She confesses embarrassed. His two sisters giggle gleefully at her but Edmund doesn't. He understands.   
Fascinating, really, but Edmund thinks he and Lilliandil might actually get on quite well.

After this he doesn't need to be asked ever again to accompany them.  
In the evening at dinner Peter shakes his head exasperated and complains to Bean that no one of his family still talks to him and that they all keep secrets.  
"I come home after a long day at work, would like to have a little chat with my family but No! Not even my own brother, who has always been my right hand, tells me anything." He says woefully in his direction. Edmund sticks his tongue out.

Two weeks before the wedding Edmund heads out to do the grocery shopping. He hasn't walked ten feet down the street when he hears running footsteps and suddenly an arm interlocks with his.  
"You don't mind if I come with you, do you?" Lilliandil asks, only slightly out of breath.  
"No, I- " Edmund stares perplexed. "You're welcome to, of course."  
"Great." She declares and pushes her hair out of her face. "You see I've been wanting to talk to you for a while now."  
"You have?" He simply says.  
"Yeah, uh... listen." She begins. "I know about you and Pete."  
Edmund comes to a sudden halt. Lilliandil lets go of his arm.  
"You do?" He asks.  
"Peter told me himself." She admits. "I hope you don't mind that he told me about you, as well."  
"I don't understand." Slowly, they resume walking.  
"Just, you know, simply because he wanted to tell me that he liked guys didn't mean that he naturally had to out you, as well." She explains.  
Edmund doesn't reply instead he tries to wrap his head around what she just said.  
"Anyway." She continues after it becomes apparent that Edmund isn't going to say anything. "He told me that you had a boyfriend, though Lucy said you two recently broke it off? I'm sorry for that, by the way."  
"What- " Edmund interrupts her ramble. "What exactly are you trying to say here?"  
"Just that, well, Pete obviously knew about your relationships but I was never sure if you knew about his?" She says. "And I didn't really wanted to ask because he seemed pretty closed up about it, anyway? So, I was wondering if you know anything?"  
"About what?"  
"The boy he's been with."  
Edmund takes a shaky breath but Lilliandil pays it no further attention.  
"The only thing he ever told me was that there had been only one, like a single guy, he's ever been with but that they broke it off long ago."  
Edmund stares in front of him while Lilliandil gazes at him hopeful, a bit unsure.  
"Do you know him?" She asks quietly. Edmund stops.  
"What does it matter?" He asks. "They broke up long ago, didn't they? Why do you need to know?"  
"Because I think he's still seeing him. Or maybe again." She wagers. "He just disappears sometimes and not to the gym. Takes hour long walks."  
"Haven't you ever gone with him?"  
"I'm sure he wouldn't deny me but I feel like he would want to. So, I try not to impose myself."  
"I see." He says then. "Listen, Lilliandil." Her name still feels strange in his mouth. "I've never heard of this. I didn't even know Peter dated a guy or that he was interested in them."  
"You didn't?"  
"Well, I... I figured, you know? But I didn't 'know'." He says lamely. "So, I don't think I can help you with this."  
She grabs his arm with urgency, making him stop again.  
“It was a very vulnerable moment for him when he told me. And even the few things he said seemed to pain him a lot. He looked very sad and it sounded like he regretted a lot of what had happened.”  
“Then why would he go back to him?”  
“That's what I'm wondering. But I can't ask him. Even the bit he shared with me was too much. Those memories... they hurt his heart. I don't want him to think of them anymore. So please." She insists gently. "Talk to him? I don't want to play the jealous girlfriend or whatever but I just- I just need to know who he is."  
Edmund relents.   
"Did he give you a name at least?"  
"Alexandar."

Edmund's head swirls with thoughts of Lilliandil's request. He doesn't know what to think. At first, it seemed obvious that Peter was talking about him but what if that's not the case? Maybe, he really had an affair with someone. It had seemed ludicrous to him from the start that he wouldn't have been with anyone for such a long time. Was that the reality? Had Peter been with another man? Had he been in love? But why was it so painful for him? What did he repent so much?

Two days later Edmund sits, book in hand, in the living room. Peter comes downstairs and puts his shoes on.  
"Are you off to the gym again?" Susan asks from the kitchen table where she's steadily squeezing a rubber ball.  
"No, just for a walk." Peter answers casually. Edmund stops reading. Would Peter ask her to join him?  
"I'll be back for lunch." He says and the door closes behind him.  
Edmund puts the book away, runs to the window and watches Peter leave to the right.  
"Hey, I uh- " He dashes past Susan and slips into his own shoes. "I forgot to buy something for- for the- I'll pop out for a bit, all right?" Susan looks at him a bit curious but doesn't say anything. Lucy is upstairs, she'll be fine.

He follows Peter for nearly 45 minutes when his brother finally seems to reach his destination.  
Peter was walking up the only hill overlooking Finchley. Edmund hasn't been on this plateau in years. Arriving at the peak Peter sits down on a bench. Hidden, Edmund waits.   
Is he just resting? Is he waiting for someone? But he only keeps sitting there, looking out into the world. He isn't looking from side to side either as if he would expect to spot someone soon.  
Carefully, Edmund gets up from his crouched position and walks the rest of the way up. Before he completes the whole way and Peter will be able to recognise him, does Edmund realize who Peter is meeting up here.  
There, standing proud on a socket, a marble statue had been erected. A lion.  
"Ed?" Peter's surprised voice catches Edmund's attention. "What are you doing here?"  
"Spying." He says and sits down next to Peter.   
"Who were you spying on?" He asks and looks around bewildered.  
"You." He still looks at the statue, Peter looks at him. "You should maybe stop acting so secretive, lest your fiancée starts to worry." He explains. "She thought you were cheating on her with Alexandar."  
"Oh." He says. Nothing else, simple as that. "I come up here to think, mostly. Pray, sometimes."  
"I never knew they build something like this here."  
"Hasn't been up here long." Peter mentions, stretching his legs out.  
"She's an amazing woman."  
"I know."  
'So you were talking about me, weren't you?' Edmund thinks and does not dare look at his brother.  
Peter really did regret it. And it's not like Edmund didn't know that but, still, it stings getting it thrown in his face like that.

When they get back they find the three girls going over the seating order. Lilliandil throws Edmund a conspiratorial glance.  
Nevertheless, she has to wait till after dinner when Edmund takes the trash outside to ambush him.  
"And?" She asks hurriedly. "Did you find something out?"  
"Yes." He says cautiously, her face is spellbound. A slow smile spreads across his face. "He's entirely faithful, you didn't need to worry."  
Relieved she lets out a giant breath, then throws her arms around him.  
"Thank you, Oh, thank you." She says. "Wow, now I'm a bit embarrassed, you must think me such a fool."  
"Not at all." Edmund reassures her. "He really does love you. And I'm his brother, so I must know."  
Back inside Lilliandil climbs on Peter's lap and peppers him with kisses. Peter laughs amused and lets her.

It's one week before the wedding and Cor and Aravis arrive. After many embraces and inspection of the baby they agree to walk to a pub to drink.  
"So, how are you?" Aravis asks once they find a booth and, drinks in hand, sit down.  
"Really great. I'm doing fine. Will be completing my adaptation course soon and then hopefully find a job. So yeah, everything's good."  
"Okay, but how 'are' you?" She asks again.  
"Have you developed early dementia? I just told you."  
Cor and Aravis throw each other a meaningful glance.  
"What?" Edmund asks defensive.  
"Buddy." Cor sighs. "You just adjusted your mood from Great to Fine to Good in like one sentence."  
He looks at them both nonplussed. Cor raises his hands placating.  
"We're your best friends. You can vent to us. It's okay."  
"Exactly. It's okay." Edmund says stubbornly. "Just like me."  
"We don't even have to talk about Caspian- " Aravis starts and Edmund turns his head away annoyed.  
"Right."  
"Just don't pretend you're fine when you're so obviously not. Not in front of us."  
"All right. What do you wanna hear?" He says provokingly. "That Susan's constant mood swings and denial piss me off so much that every other day I actually make her ask me for help, even though she hates that and it's obvious that she needs it anyway? Or that Lucy's constant chipper happiness sometimes makes me wonder if she's even human? Or that my brother's fiancée thinks she can just dump all her wedding shit on us and that we'll be happy about it and probably even want to thank her for it? Because there you fucking go!" He spits out angrily and closes his arms in front of his chest. Neither Cor nor Aravis seem surprised or taken aback by his outburst. In fact, Cor is sipping his beer contently and Aravis leans back relaxed.  
"And Peter? You're okay with him at least?" She asks. Edmund gives her a challenging look.  
"He's the biggest asshole of them all." Aravis purses her lips like that statement is no surprise to her, at all. Cor nods thoughtfully. Edmund takes a deep breath and a bigger gulp.  
"Better?" Aravis asks as Edmund sets his glass back down and wipes his lips.  
"Yeah." He sighs, a bit rueful.  
"Good." Cor smiles encouragingly. "Then how about you tell us what's actually bothering you?"  
Edmund feels caught.  
"I don't know what you mean."  
"You totally do."  
"Do not."  
"Yes, you- "  
"Boys." Aravis holds her hands up between them. Then she turns intently on Edmund.  
"Ever since I met you, I knew that you were carrying a heavy burden on your heart. Like a big... cloak of grief or something. For the longest time I thought it was because of your parents and I didn't wish to intrude so I never asked. Except for that one evening."  
Edmund looks at her puzzled.  
"You were awfully drunk and I didn't expect you to remember it." She continues. "Well, I asked you what you were so sad about and you know what you replied?"  
She looks at him expectantly but he has no answer for her.  
"Love." She reveals. "You said love. And those eyes that you looked at me with seemed so much older than you really were. After you woke up the next day and had no recollection of your memories I never brought it up again. But I watched you." She grips Cor's hand. "We both did."  
"We realized that there was a grief inside you as big as the sea but we didn't know how to help or that you would even want us to." Cor chimes in. "Then the seasons passed and you met Caspian and for a while it seemed to have disappeared and that you were actually happy. At least until towards the end there." He concludes.  
"You can't imagine the guilt we felt for leaving you at such a time. We were so afraid you would somehow slip back and how terrible that would be. And then we barely hear from you for months and when we finally do get to see you, you look at us with those eyes again. We don't want you to live your life drowned by this sadness, Edmund."  
Edmund is speechless. Then in a very small voice he asks "How is he?"  
Aravis and Cor exchange a pained expression.  
"Not good." She answers honestly.  
"Did you see him?"  
"Once." Cor says. "About a month ago. We wanted to book the tickets for a plane leaving from New York City so we had a reason to stop by."  
"Was he still angry?"  
"Oh, Edmund, do you really want to hear this?" Aravis pleads.  
"Tell me." He demands. "Please."  
Another glance is exchanged and Aravis takes a deep breath.  
"He was a total mess." She says. "Looked like he hadn't had a bath or been to the barber in weeks."  
"Probably months." Cor says. "The place was a mess, too, and reeked of alcohol."  
"We tried to get him out to eat dinner with us." Aravis continues. "But he flat out refused."  
Edmund makes a pained expression. "What did you do?"  
"Stayed in." Cor shrugs. "Cooked something up there, cleaned a bit."  
"He didn't even protest. Just made himself another drink and reclined on the couch."  
"We tried to make conversation but he barely responded, didn't eat much, either."  
"At some point- " Aravis says. "At some point, I kinda lost my patience? Yelled at him that he can't be serious and how long was he planning to live like this and all kinds of crap."  
"And? What did he say?"  
"Nothing." Aravis sighs, then with a compassionate glance to Edmund she discloses "He started to cry."  
Edmund swallows.  
"I sat down with him, held him for a long time. He- " Aravis wants to say more but Cor squeezes her hand meaningfully.  
"He what?" Edmund presses on. Aravis looks at him for another moment, extricates her hand from Cor's and reaches for her glass.  
"He was calling your name, telling us how much he missed you and kept asking 'Why doesn't he want me?'"  
Now Edmund reaches for his own drink.  
"It was all pretty awful." Cor resumes. "We stayed the whole weekend with him, helped him a bit up on his feet."  
"Is he- He's better now?" He can not meet their eyes.  
"I hope so but I don't know, Edmund."  
They talk about a few other things then. Several times they try to turn the topic back on him but he deflects it every time. They notice, of course, but they look tired, too. So they let it drop. They are here for the wedding after all and that is a joyous event.

Then, finally, Susan crumbles.  
As soon as he opens the front door he knows something is wrong. Bean is crying, Susan swearing and it sounds like something is being smashed.  
"Su?" Edmund's voice is a tad panicked. "Susan?"  
He finds her in the kitchen, sitting in the middle of the floor, covering her ears and mumbling something. There are pots and various baking ingredients strewn all over the place. Bean's face is all red and puffy from screaming. Quickly, Edmund passes Susan, a reassuring hand moving over her head, and goes to take care of the baby. He takes him out of his highchair and wipes away the drool and snot and tears.  
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, little man, what's going on?" He soothes him, rocking him lightly on his hip. "Hm? What's all the fuss about?" Bean still cries lightly but seems to calm down. Edmund turns to his sister.   
"Su?" He asks. "Hey, what happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt? Where's Peter?" Lucy has the late shift today but Peter was supposed to be home by the time she left.  
Susan only covers her ears, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. He sighs worryingly. Takes a piece of bread from the counter and walks over to the living-room. He deposits Bean in his little Baby compound, already munching the toast.  
"You be good, okay?" Edmund strokes his head for a moment. "I gotta look after Mummy now."  
On his way back he picks up a bowl that had somehow found its way all the way to the hall and leaves it on the kitchen table. Then he sits down next to Susan, putting his arms gently around her. Instantly her hands leave her face and seize onto him instead. Her silent crying evolving into a heartbreaking wail.  
Edmund hushes her. "It's okay, everything’s all right."  
"No, it's not." She cries, her whole body shaking with the intensity of her emotions. "Nothing's okay. Andrew is gone."  
"I know." He tries to console her. "I know."  
"Mum and Dad are gone, too. I don't even have Narnia anymore."  
"That's not true. Narnia will always be there. Just like Aslan will always be with us."  
"But I didn't want it anymore and now He punished me."  
"Aslan wouldn't- That's not how he is, Su."  
"Then why?" She cries. "Why did I lose them all?"  
"I don't know." Edmund says helplessly. "I don't know."  
Susan howls with pain, the tears coming in harder again, her hold on him tightening.  
"I can't tell you why these things happened, but there weren't things only taken from us. We got so many good things in return. We have a kingdom, not just had it, No, I'm sure it's still there eagerly waiting for us to return just as we long to, as well. We got to grow up in the most magical place. Remember, Su? And we were allowed to keep these memories. Do you honestly think you would ever have fallen for that clumsy, blundering Andrew if you hadn't learned the virtues of gentleness and empathy? He wore elbow patches for crying out loud! And you still fell in love with him. Your time with him was too short, yes, but weren't they the happiest years of your life? And Bean, it gave you Bean."  
Susan mumbles something into his shirt. Her sobs now steadily decreasing.  
"What was that?"  
"Samuel. His name is Samuel, after Andrew's middle name.” She sniffs.  
Edmund beams at her. "My nephew is a little Sammy?"  
Susan rewards him with a very, very tentative smile of her own. Edmund reaches for the counter top and the paper towels on it. Susan takes them gratefully from him and cleans herself up a bit. Only now does Edmund notice how bad her right hand is shaking. Susan catches him staring.  
"It's useless." She says and again tears begin to roll. "I'll never be able to pick up my own son with this." And she looks at her arm with the strangest revulsion. But she explains before Edmund needs to ask.  
"Pete was late and Lucy had to go to work. I told her I'd be fine a few minutes on my own, that I don't need to be guarded constantly. As soon as she was out of the door, Peter rang and said he's being held up and would probably even miss dinner. He just called because of that, since of course he didn't know that you were out with Ari and Cor. So, I lied to him and said you and I were trying to make the wedding cake so we probably wouldn't have time to prepare dinner, anyway."  
"That's why he's nowhere to be seen."  
"I really thought I could do it. That I could just use my arm as if nothing has ever happened." She takes a shaky breath. "Ever since we lost Narnia I tried to live that way, you know? As if nothing had ever happened."  
Edmund offers a sympathetic nod.  
"Lucy had left Sam in the stool and he and I had a good time. We really did. But my hand started cramping up and I was so stubborn in acting as if that was nothing that I just kept going, even though it got worse and worse. Then I accidentally smashed the whole bowl down and that scared Sammy of course. He began crying. I wanted to pick him up but as I reached out and saw my shaking hand I didn't- I couldn't- I couldn't bring myself to. I was so frightened I could let something happen to him. I tried to calm him down regardless but he wouldn't stop and I got so frustrated and then angry and I- I never felt this helpless in my entire life."  
Edmund hands her another paper towel. Then he reaches for her shoulder and gently begins to massage it.  
"Your hand's all right and it works just fine. You just have to give yourself a break sometimes." Then he stops his ministrations and looks at her intently. "And you and I also know that you would never, ever let any harm come to Bean."  
"Samuel." She sniffs.  
"Samuel." Edmund agrees and Susan looks over Edmund's shoulder into the living room where she could see her son playing happily with Lilliandil's toy. By the time Edmund reaches her wrist she concentrates back on him.  
"Did you have a good time?"  
Edmund's fingers lose a degree of intensity.  
"They visited Caspian."  
"He's not doing well." Susan concludes on her own.  
"Not then anyway, but who knows? Maybe he's all good again by now." He fakes a smile but Susan sees through it.  
"Edmund." She says serious. "Did you really think it was the right decision to break things off like that?"  
He lets her hand go.  
"I... I'm not sure. Some days I think I made a terrible mistake but then again the reasons for why I left weren't just any arbitrary ones."  
"What were they?"  
"I was in love with another."  
Their eyes meet and Edmund realizes that it has been ages and ages since he last confided so openly to his sister. Even though, he had almost been as close to her as to Peter once.  
"What on earth happened here?" Peter asks as he enters the kitchen. Both Edmund and Susan look at him startled, neither had heard the front door open.  
"Ask your nephew." Edmund says sternly. "Apparently Samuel wants to grow up to be a hellraiser."  
Peter looks over to the baby and then back to them, the realization slowly lighting up his face.  
"Samuel?" He asks with a grin. Susan grins back.

Four days later Edmund finds himself home alone with Samuel. Lilliandil drove Susan to her physiotherapist appointment and afterwards they wanted to take Lucy shopping.   
Peter, meanwhile had is research fellowship granted. The college was financing two months for him in Italy and he decided to combine it with a honeymoon, so he was at a travel agency, getting everything arranged.  
Cor and Aravis drove out into the country doing some sight-seeing.  
"It's men's day." He tells his nephew as Sammy kicks about his feet and tries to make it as difficult as possible for Edmund to put new diapers on him. He finally gets the second one under his butt (the first clean one was soiled by an impromptu poop attack) and Edmund playfully tickles his belly  
"Any more surprises in here?" only making Sammy laugh happily, when the doorbell rings.  
"Oh?" Edmund makes his eyes big. "Who could that be?" Sam squeaks merrily.  
"Just a second!" Edmund yells in the general direction of the front door. He closes the diaper securely, hoists Samuel in his arms and makes his way down the hall.  
When he opens the door he finds himself smiling into Caspian's face.  
He looks nervous, standing there in a suit, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. His eyes brighten as Edmund smiles at him and become neutral as Edmund's face slackens.  
"Hi." He says with an unsure, tentative, little smile.  
"Hi." Edmund says, too, a bit breathless perhaps.  
Then Caspian's eyes land on Samuel, who is groping Edmund's shirt.  
"Is that- ?" He asks and Edmund's attention snaps back. He pinches his nephew's nose and smiles.  
"Yes, this is Sam."  
"He's adorable." Caspian comments and seems to want to reach out but thinks better of it. He straightens himself a little instead and focuses on Edmund.  
"These are for you." He holds the roses out. Edmund doesn't really want them, leaving them awkwardly in the air for a moment but finally decides to take them.  
"Thanks." He mumbles bashfully.  
Caspian, just as uncomfortable, scratches his head. "Can I- Can I come in, maybe?"  
Edmund glances to the side and breathes out, then he looks Caspian properly into the eyes for the first time.  
"Why are you here?"  
"To get kicked some more, I guess." He jokes but Edmund doesn't laugh.  
"That's not funny."  
"No." Caspian agrees soberly."It's not." He doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands, they are all over the place now that he doesn't have the flowers to hold onto anymore. He notices, too, and promptly forces them into fists, letting his arms hang loosely.  
"Peter's finally getting married and if I recall correctly I was invited so that's why I came." He declares.  
"Oh." Edmund says, deflating a bit.  
"That's a lie." Caspian corrects immediately. "I wanted to see you. That's the only reason why I'm here."  
Surprised, Edmund looks at him but he doesn't know what to say. Over Caspian's shoulder he sees Peter arriving in his car, slowly pulling into the driveway and giving Edmund an inquiring look.  
"I couldn't let things dissolve like this." Caspian continues, only noticing the car after it stopped a few feet from them. "I'm not ready to give up on you and- " Peter gets out of the car and Caspian hurries on. "I just want to talk? Can we please talk?" He begs Edmund, who is completely out of his depth.  
"Caspian." Peter says as he walks up, sticking his hand out. "This is a surprise. Nice to see you again."  
"It's good to see you, as well." Caspian greets and shakes the proffered hand.  
"Want me to take him?" Peter asks, indicating Sammy.  
"No, uh- No, you could go grab the documents and put these in a vase for me?" He says and turns back to Caspian apologetically.  
"Look, I'm sorry but I can't today. We gotta take Sam to his check-ups. We're already late and still have to dress him- " Fumbling a little with his lie, Edmund already retreats back into the house but Caspian is adamant.  
"Tomorrow then? Or the day after that?" He asks a bit frantic as Edmund slowly shakes his head. "I'm staying at the Biltmore, okay? Just... please." He asks again.  
"I'm busy tomorrow." Edmund says, a hand gripping the door frame. "But after that... maybe after that." He says vaguely. A hope-filled smile stretches across Caspian's face.  
"Okay." He says, stepping backwards. Edmund throws him a quick smile, as well. Before he can close the door all the way Caspian calls out to him one last time.  
"Oh and Edmund? You look good. Really good."  
When Edmund turns back into the hall he sees Peter leaning into the kitchen door frame. His arms interlocked, still holding the roses.  
"What was that about?" He asks.  
"I'm not sure." Edmund answers. 

"Uhh I'm famished!" Lucy declares as she plops into the kitchen chair. Luckily for her, Peter and Edmund are just finishing up with dinner preparations and are about to serve. Susan goes right over to Sammy, she's still wary and even more reluctant to pick him up while she's standing but she's been much happier and more carefree in the last few days. Then Lilliandil comes in, banging against the hangers and cupboards in the hall. Apparently, their sisters left their shopping bags with her. She's laden over and over with them.  
Peter chuckles at her. "Need any help?"  
"I got it." She says, puffing out breaths but Peter only sets down the last cup on the table and walks over to her anyway. He takes the bags from her left arm, giving her a little peck with it.  
"Oi, no helping!" Lucy complains. "You lost the bet and now you have to bear the punishment."  
"Bet?" Peter asks.  
"They bet I wouldn't be able to walk past a shoe shop without buying a pair." She explains.  
Peter looks down to her feet.  
"Well. They're very pretty."  
"Right? Totally worth it." She sighs, deposits the rest of the bags and sits down with them. Easily, they all fall into various topics of small talk.  
"Are you okay, Ed?" Lucy asks at some point. "You're so quiet."  
Sighing, he puts his fork down and ignoring Peter's concerned stare he announces "Caspian came by today."  
"Really?" Susan inquires. But she doesn't look surprised in the least, if at all she seems very, very pleased. Lucy is flabbergasted.  
"Is that... a good thing?" She asks.  
But Edmund only takes a bite and shrugs non-committal.  
"Well, what did he say? What did he want?" She presses on.  
"He said he's here for Peter's wedding."  
"Oh." Lucy says, that was probably the last thing she expected.  
"You did invite him after all, Pete." Susan mentions, throwing him a meaningful look. Peter ignores it.  
"Well, he came all the way over here." Lilliandil argues reasonably. "We might as well let him attend. Or what do you think?" She turns to Peter.  
"It think it's Edmund's decision." He comments between bites.  
Just like that all three girls turn their expectant eyes on him.

After dinner he calls the hotel.  
"Hello?" Aravis answers.  
"Caspian is here."  
"Here? At your house here? What does 'here' mean?"  
"No, here in England, in Finchley. He was at my home earlier, though."  
"Oh, Edmund." She says. "Are you okay?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just... just a bit overwhelmed, to be honest. I didn't think I'd ever see him again. Maybe in the papers but not... not... "  
"Like this. Yeah." Aravis finishes his thought. "Do you want us to come over? Or go out maybe?"  
"No. no, I'm sure you had a long day, you guys must be exhausted."  
"It's no problem." She insists.  
"Frankly, I wanted to ask another favour of you." He says.  
"Anything."  
"Could we cancel our plans for tomorrow and you guys go over and stay with him?"  
"Sure." She says it a tad apprehensive. "If that's what you want."  
"He wants us to talk." Edmund explains. "But I don't- I can't- Not tomorrow. Not, yet."  
"Of course. Should I call you tomorrow evening?"  
"I'll call you."

Edmund comes in carrying a big bag brimming with baking ingredients. He has to open and close the entrance with his foot. On the way to the kitchen he calls "Su? They were out of cocoa butter so I bought coconut oil instead, that'll still work, right?"  
"She's out." Lucy answers his call. She's lying on her belly on the couch, feet kicking the air and thumbing through a magazine.  
"What do you mean out?" Edmund lets the bag fall on the counter with a thud. "I asked her to come with me to the supermarket and she said she doesn't feel like going out at all today."  
"Must have changed her mind." Lucy says, not very interested in Edmund's indignation. A bit annoyed he begins to unpack the stuff.  
"Did she say how long she'll be out, at least?"  
"No."  
Edmund huffs, grumbling a bit. Is he supposed to start with the cake already? He doesn't care too much about baking and he's not exactly a pastry chef. Lucy is very unlikely to help him, either. Like him she's much more interested in the product than the process.  
"Oh by the way." Lucy says then. "Cor called. He asked that you call him back at the hotel as soon as you can."  
"When?" Edmund asks bewildered, already walking towards the telephone in the hall.  
"'Bout twenty minutes ago."

He picks up on the first ring.  
"Hey, it's Edmund, what's up?"  
"He blew us off." Cor says. "He totally blew us off."  
"Caspian?"  
"Yes, of course Caspian. We went over to his hotel, asked the clerk to phone his room and let us come up. Instead he was all 'Mr. Adamson will be down shortly.' We thought 'okay' and just waited. Five minutes later he comes out of the elevator, tells us it's nice to see us and all, we say 'we heard you were in town, do you wanna spend the day together?' And he said 'Sorry, can't, I'm already meeting up with someone else'. Ari tried to needle him a bit more but he wouldn't let anything slip and finally he just walked out on us."  
"Wow, that's... that's weird, right?"  
"That's totally weird! We thought about following him but ultimately decided not to."  
"Yeah, probably better." Edmund agrees. "Thanks though, guys."  
"Don't worry about it. I reckon he took the opportunity to meet some business associates or investors or something."  
"Mh." Edmund agrees vaguely. "You wanna come over then, after all? Could use help with the cake."  
"About that, Ari and I completely forgot to get any wedding gifts, so we'll probably hunt one of those down today. Good luck with the tart though. And good luck to those of us eating it."  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"I still have nightmares sometimes about the diarrhea cookies that were disguised as snickerdoodles, my friend."  
Edmund laughs. Hopefully, Susan will be home soon.

She is back right on time for dinner and very vague about were she had been.  
"I forgot the time." She says as if something like that simply happens when you're accompanied by a baby that knows exactly its meal times. Still, after the other's clear out Edmund stays with Susan to start baking.  
"Do you remember Ser Willem?" Susan says with a nonchalant undertone that puts Edmund on guard.  
"Ser Willem... Willem, do you mean that foolhardy, young knight of King Lune's court?"  
"Yes, precisely."  
"What about him?"  
"Were you two acquainted?"  
"Uhm, I think I talked to him once maybe?" Edmund answers unsure of where this is going. "He was also frequently out on hunts with us but I mean you can hardly say that we were acquainted. Why are you asking?"  
"You did not sleep with him then?"  
"I- What?!"  
"Just answer the question."  
"Susan, what on earth- No, I did not sleep with a man I once asked for the best hunting trails!" Edmund declares indignant.  
"Then who is Will?" Susan asks, locking their gazes. Edmund levels her with a hard stare.  
"You went to Caspian today." He accuses.  
"I only want to help."  
"And have you ever stopped to consider that your help isn't wanted? Or that you're only making things worse? Do you think it's possible that you once, only once in your damn life, won't meddle with other people's fucking business?" He yells, chucks the spoon into the sink and storms off.  
"You're throwing a good thing away, Ed!" Susan doesn't give up. "And that constant swearing of yours is foul!" She yells as Edmund is already upstairs. He slams his bedroom door shut.  
"Everything all right?" Peter asks, turning around on his chair and watches the puffing Edmund.  
"No!" Edmund says. "And don't ask!" Peter looks at him a bit perplexed but holds his hands up in surrender, turning back to his work without another word.

He makes Susan finish the cake on her own and hardly talks to anyone at all the next morning. Not even Lilliandil seems keen on trying to rope him into a conversation. She simply picks up the two girls and Sammy and leaves to spend her last single woman evening at her own place.  
"You men don't do anything crazy, okay?" She says and gives Peter a kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow in the church."  
"I'll be the nervous guy in the tux." He answers.  
Then it's just the two of them in the house. Edmund had asked him a while ago if he wanted to do anything special for his stag night but Peter said lounging around at home, knocking back a few beers and spending time with his little brother was just fine with him. Edmund himself had no objections to that.  
He is still simmering a bit with rage, anyway. Peter is going to have his little picture perfect marriage tomorrow and Edmund will have to smile through all of it. Susan with her big mouth had to make a big fucking mess for him and telling Caspian who knows what. And then of course Caspian himself! Here in Finchley, wanting to talk, wanting to make up. All of it pissed him off.  
He is on the way to the fridge when his eyes fall on a small tube of vaseline. Samuel had a spot on his buttocks. Susan must have forgotten it and she probably won't remember before trying to tuck Sammy into bed and by then all the shops will be closed. He should probably go and drop it off with them.  
"Pete?" He calls and his brother emerges. "Do you mind if we postpone this for a few hours?"  
"No, of course not." He says immediately, a bit worried. "Somewhere you need to be?"  
"I have to talk to Caspian."  
Peter's eyes fall to the tube clutched in Edmund's hand.  
"Okay." He says.

"I'm really glad you came." Caspian greets him, inviting Edmund into his hotel room.  
"Well, you were pretty persistent. So, let's talk, I guess."  
Caspian doesn't react to Edmund's cue and walks over to the fridge instead.  
"Would you like something to drink?"  
"No, thanks."  
"I got water, champagne... vodka?"  
"I don't need anything."  
"Something to eat then? Though, I'm afraid I can only offer you peanuts." He looks at the small bag pitifully.  
"Caspian." Edmund says, low and quiet. Reluctantly, Caspian turns around, though he doesn't meet Edmund's gaze and instead sits down on the edge of the bed.  
"I'm really nervous." He admits. "It feels like I only have this one shot."  
"Caspian, I thought you just wanted to ask me stuff or clear things up. If you came here to try again then I'm sorry that I came by because that will only be a waste of your time." He says tersely. Caspian is obviously hurt by the brunt of his words.  
"Fine, then answer me this." He says. "Did you ever actually love me?"  
"Yes." Edmund replies without hesitation.  
"Do you still love me?"  
Edmund breathes out hard.  
"Even just a little bit?" Caspian presses on. Not wanting to be in too close range Edmund passes the bed and makes for the wicker chair in the corner.  
"Listen, Caspian, the thing is- "  
"Please, Edmund, just answer the question."   
There it is. One drop too much.  
"All of you are constantly on my ass 'answer the question. answer the question' as if it's a simple matter of yes or no but it's not!" He explodes, then adds a bit more gently. "It's not that easy."  
Caspian waits silently.  
"There are a lot of days were I miss what we had and I do still love you. But not enough. It's not enough."  
"Susan told me that she never even knew about you and Will. That you never even went to see him again."  
"So?" Edmund asks defiantly.  
"Why? I thought he was the reason why you left me."  
"I never said that."  
"Which is the reason I'm asking you. If you still love me and have no intention to return to Will then why did we break up?"  
'Because I love my brother. I love my goddamn, piece of shit, asshole brother!' Edmund wants to scream at him.  
"Why did you have to come here?" He asks instead, defeat growing in his voice. Caspian moves closer towards him.  
"Because Susan called telling me that you thought you made a mistake and that she has never seen you so unhappy."  
"So, you're here because of her?"  
"I'm here for you. For me. Edmund, I don't want to be without you."  
"You'd take me back knowing that I love someone else?"  
"Technically, I have known that for a long time, haven't I?" Now he slides completely off the bed, kneels before Edmund and grasps both his hands in his own.  
"I'm willing to play the second fiddle, for now. But I can't stand the thought of you wasting your love on someone who doesn't wish to play for you at all."  
A few silent tears roll down Edmund's cheeks. God, he is exhausted. He feels drained to the core. Caspian strokes the tears away, Edmund sniffs lightly and does not protest when Caspian leans in to kiss him.

It is dark out by the time Edmund is on his way back. Caspian and him talked for a long while more. Edmund is still unsure, reluctant, indecisive, for a lot of reasons. He would definitely go back to Boston with Caspian if they are to try it again. He will have to leave his family again. This time it will probably be forever and not just an approximate duration of the time it took Edmund to finish his education. All of them figured he'd come back after college but now, if he is to take that step, there are bonds which will be irretrievably lost. In the end Caspian offered an arrangement. They would both attend the wedding and afterwards Caspian would fly home. Either Edmund will sit in the passenger seat next to him or not. Either way it will be his decision.

Not to lie but Edmund is primarily furious right now, namely with Peter. Edmund was tired after his talk with Caspian but the bus ride and the ensuing walk home, revived his spirits. And not in a good way.  
How is it possible that this is his life? That he seems to be running against walls regardless which direction he sets off to? Why does he keep ending up in the same spot? And the answer is of course Peter. It's his fault. Everything is because of him. It's his responsibility, he fucked Edmund up like this.

As he comes unto his childhood home he sees that all the lights are turned off. When he grabs for his keys he realizes he's forgotten to drop the vaseline off, as well.  
It looks like Peter is actually already in bed. There are no sounds to be heard when Edmund enters. Then he notices wan light from upstairs.  
"Don't tell me he's working." Edmund mumbles irritated, taking his shoes off. He goes upstairs to investigate. Turns out Peter is definitely not. He's sitting on the edge of his bed, a tumbler of whiskey in his hand. He's in a wife beater and pants, socks already off. There is no acknowledgement to Edmund's presence.  
"Seriously?" He asks annoyed. "You're getting shitfaced on the eve of your wedding?" He strides past him to the wardrobe.  
"What the fuck do you want from me, Edmund?" Peter demands, his own voice agitated. Edmund lets go of the knob and turns around. Finally facing him, facing this.  
"Why did you never kiss me again?" He asks, only his voice comes out all wrong, weak and broken. Peter escapes a pained little noise.  
"Why do you think?" He asks and challenges Edmund directly, resulting in making the anger boil up only all the more ferociously.  
"Fuck if I know!" He spews. "Fuck if I know why you fuck me one day and ignore me the next! Fuck if I know why you do any of the things you do!"   
Peter empties his drink in one go during Edmund's little outburst but there's a real rage in that action and it makes Edmund's hairs stand on end. He throws the empty glass behind him on the bed and gets up.  
'Storming off again. Typical.' Edmund thinks and turns around to the wardrobe. He doesn't even remember now what he wanted here in the first place.  
Suddenly he's yanked around brutally. His head connects painfully with the wood. Peter clutches his face and kisses him. Hard. Once he lets go of him again, a shocked gasp leaves Edmund's mouth. The looks in his brother's eyes, what he sees there, involuntarily reminds him of the criminal law class he attended his first year. The definition of murder is to kill someone with intent. To prove murder, you have to prove intent.

It's impossible then to say who reaches out first but their lips find each other just as their hands find their clothes. In agonizing moments their bare chests slide against each other and Peter's hands slips into Edmund's rear pocket to make their hips meet, as well. But his hand comes upon the vaseline and he pulls it out, halts their motions to look at it. Quite obviously, he is surprised that Edmund didn't sleep with Caspian.  
"Fuck you." Edmund spits out and his next kiss is a bite more than anything else.  
But Peter hasn't forgotten his own pent up frustration and he pushes back with just as much violence, banging Edmund's skull into the wardrobe. Edmund retaliates by locking his teeth on his jaw, wishing to draw blood and leave a mark, then he remembers Lilliandil and it makes him angry enough to actually bite down. Peter only escapes him because he shoves Edmund's pants and briefs down. In turn Edmund pops open Peter's fly and pulls his dick out. There's no need to waste time stimulating him any further so he snatches the lube from Peter's hand and lathers him up messily. It gets all over his clothes. He hopes it's a bitch to get out.   
Peter, meanwhile, has his forehead steadied on Edmund's shoulder and allows these ministrations with breathy huffs. As soon as Edmund is finished, he forces Peter's head up, initiates another kiss, makes sure his legs and feet are free and promptly jumps up on his brother's waist. Albeit being surprised by it Peter catches him and shifts their balance until Edmund's back is once again crushed into the abused furniture. It allows him to momentarily hold Edmund up with only one arm. Because Instead of grabbing his own dick Peter's hand fumbles for the lubricant Edmund had carelessly thrown in the direction of the desk next to them.  
"No, like this." Edmund commands and guide's Peter's face back around to him. But Peter looks at him warily because he knows Edmund isn't prepared and he isn't willing to hurt him like this.  
"Do it, you fucking asshole!" Edmund grits out and claws his fingernails into Peter's skull and shoulder. No longer just a warning. Peter submits, lines his cock up and forces himself in. Inch by painful inch. Edmund hisses but he uses his whole body to pull Peter's towards him. He arches his neck and it's Peter's turn to be greedy because he sucks hard on it, his lips feeling every cry and moan being forced out of his little brother's lungs.  
Before Edmund has even remotely adjusted he stubbornly pushes the action on. Rolling his hips and giving Peter every cue to get on with it. They fuck like this. Primal and angry and a little heartbroken.

All these hours in the gym really pay off, Edmund marvels, how easily and long Peter can hold him up. And he is deep. So, so deep. It overwhelms Edmund, he is hardly able to breathe. And Peter kisses him the whole time. Greedily and selfishly claiming his lips. Edmund has to tear his mouth away to get any oxygen into his brain at all but Peter doesn't let a second pass before he's chasing him again. Then his smooth movements begin to stutter and Edmund, anticipating, withdraws his mouth Peter's desire and embraces him, cheek to cheek, like one ought to hold his brother.   
He thrusts into him, comes, a broken moan close to Edmund's ear.   
Then he stills, no movement whatsoever, until slowly he cranes his neck back, prompting Edmund to do the same so they can look at each other. It almost makes Edmund smile then when, again, Peter goes in for a kiss. Almost.  
Edmund still in his arms, he carries them over to his bed, deposits him on his back before sitting up himself. Peter is still inside him. The strong hold of Edmund's legs make sure of that. Peter does try to move away a bit then but Edmund digs his heels in.  
"Finish me off first." He says. So Peter settles his hips close to Edmund's ass and reaches out a hand. Edmund can soon tell that Peter isn't used to do this. The thought pleases him.  
"Faster." He instructs. "Use your thumb.”  
Seeming inexperienced a moment ago, Peter quickly adopts an aura of assertiveness. He's eager and concentrates more on Edmund's face than his own motions. His hand moves according to what his eyes view. It's so intense the way he looks at him Edmund can't withstand it. He has to close his eyes and allows Peter to take him apart however he pleases. And he does, a couple more strokes and Edmund is pushed over the edge.

It takes Edmund a long while to calm his breathing again. But once Peter pulls his by then flaccid member out of him, snatches one of their shirts from the floor to give them both a quick wipe down and finally rolls over, his senses come back to him. Feeling vulnerable and a bit self-conscious he begins to pick himself up.  
"Hey." Peter's gentle voice calls out. "Where are you going?"  
"Need to clean myself up." Edmund answers without looking at him.  
"Edmund, come here." Peter says and Edmund wonders if he knows. If Peter knows that Edmund will never come back once he leaves this room.  
"Come. Come here." He says again and this time Edmund does look around to him. Lying on the mattress Peter holds one arm open, in his other hand he has pulled the covers up, ready to tuck Edmund in beside him. It looks so inviting, so safe, how can he say no? Very carefully, he therefore lets himself be engulfed in Peter's warmth and smell. He positions Edmund's head directly into the crook of his neck and above his heart. If he concentrates on it he can hear its faint beat.  
Edmund expects him to open up a conversation but Peter simply holds him, lulls him in with his regular breathing. He must be aware, like Edmund, that there aren't actually any words, he's just drawing out the inevitable.  
"I gotta leave eventually, Pete."  
"Do you?" He asks, momentarily strengthening his hold.  
"You're getting married."  
For a moment Peter doesn't react at all.  
"Edmund, I'm gonna say something very selfish right now that I hope you'll forgive me." He moves his head far enough away that they can meet each other's eyes, then he breathes deeply in and out.  
"I love yo- "  
Reflexively, Edmund slaps his hands over Peter's mouth, his eyes wide in shock, Peter equally startled. He snatches his hands back just as fast, as if he'd been burned and sits up. Facing away from Peter. His back heaving with unsteady breaths. Peter looks at him, unsure how to proceed now. But he doesn't need to do anything.  
"Screw you." Edmund says, strangely voiceless. "Screw you, you miserable fucking gigantic ass. You goddamn- "  
"Edmund, what- ?" Peter sits up, as well then, reaching for his shoulder. Edmund does turn around and his eyes are all wet.  
"I love you, too, goddammit!" He screams and cries big, childish tears.  
Peter emits a huff, smiling as if he couldn't believe it. He holds Edmund's hopelessly pitiful face and presses their foreheads together but Edmund will have none of it. He pushes him back.  
"How long?" He demands.  
"Always." Peter says simply, that dumb smile glowing on his face.  
"Then why? Why all these years- why did you- why?" He doesn't know the words to ask and the tears still won't stop rolling. Is he sad, angry, happy? He can't even tell.  
Peter's face is a bit more understanding now. He leans over to his nightstand and produces a handkerchief for Edmund, helping him to clean himself up. Just like he did when Edmund had a cold as a kid. Cautiously, he then guides him back down into his arms.

"Where to begin?" He muses, gently stroking Edmund's arm.  
"Why did you never kiss me again?" Edmund repeats his question from earlier that had started all this.  
"Because I kissed you once and we had sex."  
"We also had sex without ever kissing once."  
Peter scratches his head for a moment. "Let me begin differently." He says.  
"You see, the problem for me was that I yearned for my little brother and I couldn't- I couldn't accept that. Mum asked me to take care of you. That's what I was supposed to do, to protect you. So I reigned myself in as much as I could but with the years passing and you growing up to be a man the nights became longer and longer. My craving insufferable. And I came to the conclusion that the things I wanted to do I couldn't do with my little brother but with 'Edmund'. Maybe I could be with Edmund."  
"Did you know that I loved you then?"  
"No. Though, I hoped for it. Then on the night of the coronation party I was so disturbed by the thought of having to marry that I clung to you like a pathetic dog. I thought our time was running out. I drank too much and when we raced each other and I ran into you... I didn't think. You just stood there before me, warm and real and right there. And I didn't think, I just wanted. That's why I kissed you." He sighs and presses his cheek to Edmund's forehead. "Then you touched me and I couldn't believe it. I wanted us to be together. I wanted to make love to you but you looked so determined and pushy I figured it's not what you wanted. Not from me, anyway. I meant to offer you my love by I understood it's not what you needed so at least I wanted to make you feel good."  
"You did." Edmund asserts timidly. He can feel Peter's smile in his hair. "So that's why you left? The next morning? Because you thought I didn't want you?"  
"Actually, I thought you'd want food."  
"What?"  
"When I woke up and saw you lying next to me I wasn't ready to just let you leave. I thought if I got us something to eat first, I could make you stay for a bit and I could at least make my embarrassing confession. Not to mention that my own stomach was in dire need. But as I was on my way to the kitchen I came upon Lucy. She was very excited and told me she was just on her way to wake us. I didn't know what to say or how to stop her so I just made up a story about how you were so drunk that you stumbled in the wrong bedroom and wouldn't let yourself be moved, so she shouldn't be surprised to find you there." He explains.  
So this is it. The riddle's solution. Finally, everything falls into place.  
"You wanted to get us breakfast."  
"Yes."  
"You never meant to leave me."  
"No."

Edmund takes a deep, shaky breath. He wants to reach up and press Peter's beautiful lips to his again, just to be sure. Just to know that this is actually real. But he needs to hear the rest first.  
"And afterwards? After we came back to England? Why didn't you say anything?"  
"I wanted to. I did. But I- I couldn't- I- Ed, when we came back, I realized what I had done. What a terrible thing I had done to you."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"There isn't a difference between my brother and 'Edmund'. When we came back and I laid eyes on you, a ten-year old child, I couldn't forgive myself."  
"But I wasn't a child. Not when we slept together and never again afterwards."  
"Exactly." Peter says. "I took that from you."  
"Pete, no, that's just not true. I don't think it is."  
"I initiated it with that kiss, prompting you to touch me, too, and I didn't stop you. I should have known better but I didn't- I was so selfish."  
"Then I was selfish, too, because I wanted it just as much. Now, tell me why you didn't talk to me. Or at least tried to."  
"I did. That first evening, I sat on my bed waiting for you to come back from the bathroom, remember?"  
"Yes, but you didn't open your mouth once."  
"Because I couldn't. I couldn't make the first step. I needed you to do it, just this once and I would never have let go of you again. I felt too much guilt, I couldn't reach out to you again. But you turned away and went to bed."  
"Because I thought you would only tell me that it was all a mistake and we should forget about it!"  
"And I figured that's what you said by not saying anything."   
Edmund looks at him distraught.  
"But afterwards, why avert your eyes all the time?"  
"I was ashamed. And heartbroken. I didn't want you to have to face that everyday."  
"I thought you couldn't bear to look at me. That you just wanted to forget."  
"I thought the same about you."  
"But then what about Susan's wedding? You reached for me that night."  
Suddenly Peter's eyes look very sad. "You were gonna leave me." He says so, so quiet. "I was gonna lose you."  
Edmund is shocked speechless. He sits back up and scoots so far away until they do not touch at all anymore. "What on earth are we doing here? We should both just leave and never see each other again."  
"Heyheyhey, what are you talking about?" Peter says, his hand reaching for him and settling on Edmund's knee.  
"I don't understand you." Edmund says helplessly. "I don't understand you, at all."  
"Don't say that." Peter says gently, sitting up, as well." Not when I finally got you."  
Warily, Edmund meets his gaze again.  
"Why didn't you let me know? You didn't have to explicitly say it but all these years couldn't you have found a way to make me understand?"  
"What do you think all these letters were about?" He answers. "Even after you left I wasn't ready to give up on you, not even when you told me about Caspian."  
"But your letters stopped after that!"  
"At least I didn't send them anymore." He confesses. "When you told me you were with Caspian now I was ready to hit the gas and drive off until we'd get to a place where no one could ever find us and I planned to stare at you until you understood my feelings and then I would never again allow anyone between us but in the next second you told me to find someone else and I thought 'This is it. He really doesn't want me. It's over. Once and for all.'"  
"You're an idiot." Edmund says and he breathes in deeply because he will not start crying. Again. "So, Lilliandil?" He wants to know.  
"It's not like I actively went out looking for someone to marry. She just appeared one day. And it was easy with her. Being with her. Falling in love with her."  
"You do love her then?"  
"Of course." Peter admits. "I didn't expect it and I didn't plan for it and I have to admit that a small part of me stayed with her because I had hoped it would sting you. At least a little bit. Which was stupid, I know that."  
"It wasn't. I came here fully prepared to hate her."  
"Didn't work out, did it?"  
"If anything I hate how much I can't help but like her."  
"Yeah." Peter agrees. "She was great from the beginning. And she understood me in a way I didn't even myself. She just wants to be happy, you know? And I was ready to dedicate a part of me to that."  
"You still should." Edmund says.  
"I can't." Peter retorts straight away. "Not anymore."  
"You can have a good life with her. Everything you always wanted. Children, a family. You'd be happy."   
"No." Peter shakes his head.  
"Why not?" Edmund pleads.  
"Because she's not you." Peter surges forward and holds Edmund's body tight to him, kissing him fervently, despite Edmund's half-hearted attempt to deny him. He kisses him until they're both breathless but even then he won't let go of him.  
"What are we gonna do?" Edmund asks, cursing these pesky tears.  
"You'll marry me." Peter decides and dries them with his lips.  
"What?" Edmund asks scandalised, moving his face out of Peter's range.  
"I want you to marry me." He says again.  
"Peter, that- I- You- I don't even have the words to tell you how crazy you sound, right now."  
"Let's do it." He smiles and there's a mischievous glint to it that Edmund thinks wholly inappropriate for the occasion. "Let's get out of here."  
"Where would we even go?" Edmund asks.  
"Italy." Peter says. "It's all paid anyway, would be a shame not to use the opportunity. So, what do you say? Just you and me."  
Edmund's mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water.  
"I- We- We don't even have rings." He says and Peter huffs at him as if he can't believe such a little hindrance could stop them now. Then an idea pops into his head and he reaches for his nightstand. He comes up with a red gift ribbon and scissors. Idly, he cuts a short length off.  
"Your hand." He instructs and wordlessly Edmund offers his right one. At once Peter laces the red band around the base of his ring finger and tops it off with a little bow.  
"Will you marry me, Edmund Pevensie?" He proposes and Edmund, still a bit shocked, looks from the ribbon up to his brother. Then slowly a smile spreads across his face.  
"To have and to hold?" He asks.  
"To love and call your very own." Peter agrees.  
"I do." Edmund answers, a laugh bubbling up inside him that disappears against Peter's mouth. They end up with their foreheads pressed together, giggling quietly.  
"I don't remember you being such a crybaby." Peter laughs, stroking away once again at Edmund's tears.  
"Shut up." He retaliates. "It's all your fault, anyway." He sniffs, holding up his right hand and inspecting the wedding band. His eyes land on the discarded scissors. He picks them up.  
"Here." He says. "You too." Obligingly Peter holds out his own hand and lets Edmund fasten it identically.  
"You swear to be mine forever?" He asks.  
"Until death do us part." Peter promises.  
They hold hands, grinning unabashedly at each other. Then Peter's smiles shifts a bit more into predatory mode. He moves his face very close to Edmund's and his breath ghosts over those lips as he speaks.  
"Now there's only one thing left." He says and Edmund shivers. The press of Peter's lips is soft as he coaxes Edmund down onto his back. He uses one hand to make sure the bedsheets are out of the way and then places it down on Edmund's dick. Edmund moans and Peter grins.

Repeatedly, he strokes Edmund's cock, slowly, sensually, agonizingly intimate. Edmund's hand takes hold in Peter's hair, the other one grabbing his ass. His legs fall open and it allows Peter to take his hand away. They begin to rock into each other evenly. Their rhythm attuned. It's so much more loving than anything they ever did before. Edmund's eyes are closed, his cheek feeling the softness of the pillow. A wanton moan leaves his mouth and when his eyelids flutter open he meets Peter's hungry gaze.   
Almost, he starts to laugh. How desirous Peter is of him. But Edmund supposes he can't help it. Peter is as starved for him as Edmund had been thirsty. Is thirsty.  
He guides their lips together and downs Peter's sounds with relish. The lube is all the way over at the desk, he remembers. Too far away. It's impossible now to let him go. And anyway, he's sure there is still residue left, combined with Peter's precum, it will be enough.  
So, he moves his legs further up and offers his entrance. One of Peter's hands slides over his thigh, then his ass.  
“I can turn around if you want.” Edmund suggests. Nipping huskily at Peter's jaw.  
“No.” Peter answers and claims his mouth again. “I want you like this. Exactly like this.”  
Then Edmund lifts his hips a bit more and Peter lines up. The first breach is always the most delicious one and Edmund doesn't hold back with his reaction. Peter presses the bridge of his nose to the underside of Edmund's jaw and begins to love him. Because that is what they're doing. They're not fucking, they're not having sex. They're making love. This is them getting married.  
Peter keeps a slow pace, pulls out far, goes in deep. But never hurried. Edmund moves with him, holds onto him, clenches and releases.  
“I love you, Peter.” He says.  
Peter smiles and their souls meet in a kiss.  
“I love you, Edmund.”

Afterwards they lay exhausted next to each other. Peter breaks out into a maniacal little laugh.  
"What?" Edmund swats his arm.  
"We're married." Peter laughs and Edmund can't help but to join in. Once they come down again Peter scoots closer, pressing his nose into Edmund's hair.  
"You know what I look forward to the most?" He asks.  
"Showering?" Edmund replies, a bit sleepy.  
"Waking up next to you." He whispers.

They do it once more in the shower that night. Peter finally makes up to never having given Edmund a blowjob. The next day they're riding on a train driving south. The whole compartment for themselves, the blinds to the hallway shut, Edmund has never felt more whole at heart.  
"What's our first stop?" He asks, momentarily turning his eyes away from watching the passing landscape.  
"Venice." Peter replies, occupied with looking on a map.  
"Will you ride a gondola with me?" He asks cheekily but when Peter looks up his eyes are very serious.  
"I'll sing to you in one." Then he leans forward and they share their 89th kiss. Edmund thinks he'll stop counting soon.

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> τρικυμία / Trikymia  
> (n., fem.) a group of three waves, a third wave  
> Metaphor for a large wave, as the third was said to be.
> 
> Now after ending this I realize this story is really suited for a few timestamps, hopefully I'll be able to add them one day!  
> Thank you again for everyone who read this!


End file.
